Alberta

Chapter Thirty: The funeral

The funeral was on a bright and mild day, about a week after Helena's departure from us earth side. I had spent two days in the hotel. I won't lie to you, mostly sobbing. I was disappointed with myself as the only person in that bedroom who had mental clarity. I shouldn't have gone there at all. I knew the moment Ben had asked that it wasn't the right thing to do. I knew Allie, and silence was something she hated, and so if she offered it herself, it was never a good thing.

Allie wasn't herself and I should have known not to go to her. My presence that day, it wasn't a good thing, not when she was so lost in her grief. Ben had called me after and it was all I could do to talk to him and not feel suffocated by the betrayal. I had slept with his wife, and although they weren't in an intimate marriage, and had all but left each other emotionally, it was another stab. Allie hadn't reached out since and I didn't expect her too. I knew it may perhaps be a while before she saw the light of day again, and came back to herself. I would wait, because I knew one day she would come... and she would be expecting me to now hate her, but I never could and never would.

"Willa" Mary calls coming into the hotel room "it's time" she says solemnly.

We look once more into the floor length mirror. Our black dresses both had a red rose pinned delicately. The red was for Helena, it was her favourite.

Mary smiled softly "let's go" she says quietly and we walk out arm in arm and make our way to the car. Mary drives. When we make it to the church, we filter in among a couple hundred if not more friends and family. We sit ourselves near the back, and observe the others who pass by us. The children and their father Joseph come in last carrying bouquets of flowers to place on their mothers casket at the front.

The service is beautiful, her favourite hymns and words spoken from her children and family. Allie read a poem, and I shed a tear at the way she clutched her chest half way though as if it pained her so deeply, the grief, that she may collapse with it. Ben stood and assisted her to sit back down. I held Mary's hand the entire time. To think they had such a life and love once, and here she was on the back row, not more than two of us in the room knowing about it. "I love you" I whisper to her when she seems to lose herself in memories that make her sob.

She looks to me and squeezes my hand "I love you too" she offers with a gentle smile.

***
Graveside we stand opposite the family. The groups size is more intimate. Helena's casket is lowered and we say a few words. Merrit sings her favourite song, she is an incredible singer, the voice of an angel and the face of one too. Merritt has her fathers curly hair, but it is fair like Augusta, and she looks just like an angel, those portrayed in so many books and paintings I have seen.

I find my eyes linger on Allie, Bens arm wrapped around her and Harper stood in front of them both. I note how she won't look at me, and she hasn't the entire time. I feel like I'm invisible to her when all I want is to be the one who holds her and comforts her.

As we make our way over to the wake, her siblings each speak with me, we share memories of their mother and they thank me for the support over the last week. Allie walks up ahead with her father. Ben is behind me talking with Mary who he's not seen most of his adult life, he is amazed at her likeness to mom.

Mom and dad are outside of the wake when we arrive. I hadn't noticed them at the funeral but they must have spotted us because my mom is eager to find us and when she does she makes a bee line. She offers her condolences to the family as she goes past them, hugging Ben as he rushes ahead with Allie, and then she flings herself open armed at me.

"My baby" she calls, and I am in seconds swallowed up by my mothers embrace.

"Mom" I acknowledge warmly.