Just the Ticket

Chapter 26

Chapter 26 #jttwbs

That summer passed by like a whirlwind in both my head and chest.

Hindi ko ulit nakita si Camara pagkatapos ng gabing iyon ng eighteenth birthday niya. I didn't hear anything about her and I see that was on purpose. Na kahit abutin ko siya ulit, mas malayo na siya ngayon.

Mag-isa akong nag-enroll ng ikalawang taon ko sa kurso ko. Pinalipas ko na lang ang mga araw na parang binalasang baraha habang naghihintay ng pasukan.

Pinasadahan ko ng tingin ang kalawakan ng memorial na akala mo ay magandang tanawin ito. Indeed, it is, looking at the wide land covered with green tiny grass. Peaceful scenery just like what's underneath the ground. Numerous soul that are resting in peace.

Yeah, I guess, just minus the fact that this area is a reminder of the permanent end. Death.

Truth is, the idea of death still frightens me. Sa kabila ng lahat ng mga mabibigat na pasan ko, natatakot pa rin akong isauli ang hiram na buhay na ito.

But then sometimes, the idea is tempting, seducing every fiber of my damaged being.

I don't know where exactly do I stand. There are times that I abhor breathing in this world but I don't exactly wish to end my life. Yet, at least. Malabo rin talaga minsan.

"Hello..." mahinang bati ko, nakatingin sa pangalan na nasa lapida.

Sinuyod ko sandali ng tingin ang paligid. I was not confident to talk to a grave with witnesses who might see me for a fool. Pero dahil normal na araw lang naman, halos ako lang ang tao na nandito.

I lowered my gaze again and cleared my throat. "Hello po, would you allow me to call you 'Tita'? Kahit na somehow... I may have hurt and failed your eldest son."

Hindi ako naniniwala sa multo o sa pagpaparamdam ng mga ito. It's to see is to believe for me. Hindi man nakaranas, marami na akong narinig na kuwento sa school. Kaya sa posibilidad lang ako naniniwala.

Pinaniwalaan ko na lang na nagparamdam si Tita Emma nang biglang umihip ang hangin. I just couldn't figure out what did that mean. Did she scare me away or what?

"I'm sorry po for this unsolicited visit... at baka rin unwanted. Pero wala lang po kasi akong maisip na makausap na gaya ng anak n'yo, nakikinig lang."

Inabot ko ang bulaklak na dala at pinaglaruan ang magagandang petals nito habang nakatulala rin doon.

"Well, hmm, I'm not robbing you the right to reply, Tita. Let the wind blow if you want. H'wag po kayong mag-alala kasi wala naman po akong allergy sa hangin," I said submissively, trying to please the late woman.

But if I had hurt his son, would she even fret about me and my non-existent allergies? Napanguso ako sabay ng buntong hininga.

"Ex-girlfriend po ako ng anak n'yo, Tita Emma. I broke up with Fern and it's already been two months since that day. Naalala ko po 'yun, ni hindi siya nakasagot. Like a knight tossed in the battleground without armors. Pero tulad ng lagi niyang sinasabi sa'kin, nakikinig siya. Kaya 'yon nga rin ang huling beses na nakita at nakausap ko siya, Tita. He heard me."

Mapait akong napangiti sa malinaw na naalala. Pakiramdam ko kasi naging masama ako kay Fern.

"You brought such a wonderful human being into this world, Tita Emma. Naiirita man ako kay Fern noong una, wala nang puwang 'yon ngayon. Kasi po may pagkapilyo at makulit talaga siya minsan lalo dati nung high school. Minsan, seryoso. Minsan, ewan ko. Pero siya po 'yung tao na kapag nawala sa buhay mo, ang tamang salita ay... Sayang.

He's kinder to me than I am to myself. So you ask me if I miss him right now, Tita? I terribly do. You ask me if I regret it? I miserably do. I didn't just lose a boyfriend. I lost a best friend. Best friends... for that matter. I... I lost your son, Tita Emma.