the other side of paradise | bsd x gn!reader

nine.

Three days have passed from the moment Kunikida was paired with Dazai. You feel bad for him. Dazai is not making it easy for him, and if you were in Kunikida's place, you probably would have snapped already. It's kind of impressive, really. Despite Dazai constantly leaping into rivers, drinking in pubs instead of working or taking every single moment of his spare time to chat you up and distract you from your own work, Kunikida somehow hasn't completely lost it yet. He mentions to you that he's in charge of Dazai's entrance exam, and you understand completely what events are about to unravel.

Dazai's suicide attempts aren't as often as they used to be, you note. He still talks about it and jumps into nearby rivers, but it doesn't feel like it's as common as he does it in canon. Whether that is the effect of Oda surviving the fight with Gide or something else, you're not sure. Either way, you really need to find him a therapist.

Speaking of Dazai's attempts, you are met with the aftermath of one of them as soon as you step into the office. You don't even have time to say hello, before Dazai throws his arms around you. "My dearest, I can't believe it! You followed me to the afterlife!"

What. What is he...?

Oh.

There's a half-eaten mushroom on his desk, next to Dazai's favourite book. It's open to the page about poisonous mushrooms. Dazai's strange behaviour and the poor office staff trembling behind their desks - everything makes sense now.

The handsome man continues with a cheerful grin and his eyes unfocused. "I was happy when I achieved such a pleasurable suicide by myself, but to think you'd join me! Nothing makes me happier than this! To die together, a double suicide with you, that is the most romantic thing I can imagine! Wouldn't you agree?"

At that moment the clock strikes eight, and Kunikida's voice is heard throughout the office.

"Good morning," he greets, like he does every single morning.

Ah, Kunikida. Poor Kunikida Doppo. You have no idea what you've just walked yourself into.

Dazai's eyes sparkle and he moves towards the idealist, still holding your hand and dragging you along. "Ah, Kunikida! Good morning! Take a look at this! This is incredible!"

The grin on Dazai's face is even brighter, while Kunikida looks like he'd be rather anywhere else.

"At last, we've made it! Ah, and what a sweet world it is! This is Yomotsu Hirasaka, the gateway to the afterlife! Look, it's just as I imagined! The blue smoke covering the surface, the moonlight peeking in through the window, the pink elephant dancing in the westerly skies...!"

The man on mushrooms begins to dance deliriously and twirls you around. Your head spins. Well, at least he's a good dancer, but if he keeps this up, you're not the only one who's going to pass out. You tune his ramblings out, but the request of a teary-eyed staff member makes you focus again.

"K-Kunikida, (Y/n), please do something!"

Dazai frolics around the office, dragging you with him. "Come, Kunikida! Join us in the underworld! See, here the alcohol flows freely, and you can help yourself to as much food as you like! You can sniff beautiful people until you're blue in the face! Don't sniff (Y/n) though, they're only mine."

Your face heats up and you look towards Kunikida for help, but he does nothing. He sets down his bag like he always does, ignores Dazai's ramblings and continues to follow his regular routine.

You close your eyes in exhaustion. It's only eight in the morning and you don't even have a way out. Not with Dazai holding on tight to you like that.

Finally, when Dazai starts talking about voices, Kunikida has enough. He lands a roundhouse kick to the back of his head, and you are free. Your gaze falls onto the unconscious Dazai on the floor. Hm. You should at least drag him to the infirmary. You're not that mean to just leave him on the floor. He'd be in the way of the poor office staff!