Peaky blinders angel- Completed

Take away the pain

Tw: suicide and self harm

Rose is 15. Finn is 14

Rose pov

Do you ever feel like it can't get better than this? Life's just too good for anything to change. I felt like that. Once. A long time ago. I can hardly remember it or why but I remember being happy. Feeling free with nothing to worry about. The world was spinning like a roller coaster and I never wanted it to end. Every day was an adventure. But that all changed 6 months ago. Nothing happened to cause it...it just appeared like a dark cloud. Trapped inside a cage with no key to escape. My world stopped spinning and the roller coaster crashed in a tragic accident. It was like I fell asleep in a dream and awoke in a nightmare. Every day was a challenge. Giving myself the energy to smile at people just so they would leave me be was too much for me to deal with. I wanted an escape, a distraction, anything to get rid of this horrible feeling. Laying in my bed, listening to my heart beat get faster and faster, louder and louder until I'm taken away from my trance by a pair of hands shaking my shoulder

"Come on. Tommy wants to speak with you" my youngest brother finn said

"What about?" I asked looking up at finn as I didn't move from my sleeping position

"How I supposed to know? Hurry up though. Doesn't seem in the best of moods today" yes. Because Tommy in a bad mood is gonna make me jump out of bed...not. If anything, it makes me want to Bury myself further into the pillows and blankets. But eventually, I got up for the day. I had a shower and just stood for a little while. I wasn't aware how long I was in my trance before I heard polly outside the door

"We aren't made of money. Hurry up in there" So I did but not with alot of effort as I dragged my feet out the bathroom and back into my room. I got dressed in a dress and brushed my hair down. It was past my bum but I couldn't be bothered to cut it. Nor could I be bothered to tie it up so I left it hanging and went to Tommy. He was sat waiting for me in the betting den.

"You wanted to see me?" I said trying to smile at him, hoping if I was polite then it would be over soon

"I understand you're a teenager Rose, and you go through moody phases, but we're all fucking sick of it. Get your act together and start acting a little more happy and not so miserable all the time. When you have kids of your own, you'll understand why I'm telling you this" he said. I nodded my head and left without another word. If only he knew. If only he knew...

Fucking sick of it. The words kept ringing in my head for all I heard was they were fucking sick of me. Fucking sick of me being their annoying sister who can't even act like a proper fucking lady. I don't even want children. How can I when I know they will be forced to face this world? Full of horror, death and heartbreak. I couldn't force this life upon anyone better yet an innocent baby.

I went back home and went straight into the bathroom and locked the door. I looked at myself in the mirror and broke down. The tears I havnt cried infront of anyone and yet whenever I saw myself, they made no attempt to hide. I leant against the bathroom sink with my head down as I sobbed uncontrollably. I can't do this anymore. I want the pain to go away.

I looked down at my arms and slowly, with my hands trembling, rolled up my sleeves. Cuts painted my skin like a horror filled picture. They scared me. But they didn't make me sad. I didn't feel regretful for doing it. Not now anyway. Some days I wake up and think

'why would I do that to myself?' Other days I add more detail to my picture as blood seeps through the canvas. Today was that day. My razor from my peaky cap. It was a weapon I wore with little pride unlike my brothers, for I knew that the victim who received the blow would always be me. I grabbed my cap and began to paint as tears joined the blood. I cut myself until I began to feel dizzy and so I wiped my arms down of any blood and rolled my sleeves back down, cleaned my razor and wiped my eyes. Then I finally left the horror filled bathroom.

As I was walking down the stairs, I ran into Arthur.

"Tommy had a word with ya?" He asked

"Yep" I said popping the p

"Don't worry bout it. We all went through the moody teenage stage. Tommy more than others but we grow out of it. Tommy still has times when I think he is 15" I cracked a fake smile and left him be as I went into the kitchen. Polly was there

"I'm going to see carrie. Probably sleep over" I said

"OK love. Call me If you need anything" I nodded and left the house as fast as I could. It felt suffocating in there but the minute I stepped outside, it was a whole new level of suffocation. My hand was gripping my chest as I struggled to breathe and tears threatened to pour from my eyes. I wasn't meeting Carrie. I needed to be alone but telling polly that would spike more questions. So I went to the canal. I sat in a tree near and looked at the boats. It was 10 oclock and dark but I felt trapped. Even in my own space and the outdoors, I still couldn't breathe. Then I saw it. In one of the boats, there was some rope. Just sitting there, no one watching it. No one around to stop fate. It was my chance to escape

Tommy pov

I sat in the garrison. It was half 10

"Where's rose?"John asked

"She went to carries house for a sleepover" polly explained. We carried on drinking, everyone but rose was there. Shame. I wanted to apologise for yelling at her this morning. We all stopped when we heard yelling from the main part of the pub. Us being in the back didn't know what was going on.

"Tommy. They found Rose down by the canal. It isn't good tom" one or the blinders said as he came into the back. I stood up immediately as did the rest of the family and we ran to the canal. There were many people forming a crowd and an ambulance and nurses. They were surrounding a body and when we pushed to the front, we just had time to see roses blue fave covered with a white sheet. I felt my world stop moving. I don't know what happened around me. I could hear aunt pol screaming, people crying, Arthur yelling. But I couldnt see anything other than my baby sister being taken into the  back of an ambulance...dead.

Finn pov

The morning after roses death, we had to go down and identify the body. We all knew it was her but we still had to see her for the law. It was stupid. I loved her and cried the whole night. Everyone did. But I knew seeing her body would make things worse especially for aunt pol. She was a wreck but I had to stay strong for her.

We stood in the room looking at her body. Arthur was smashing things, John wa sobbing, polly had walked out and Tommy stood with tears in his eyes but no expression. Ada still hadn't heard the news of her death since she was in London and I hadn't a clue who would tell her. I knew I would be telling carrie since I was her friend aswell. I walked over to my sister and held her hand close

"Why would you do this rose? You're so beautiful and we could've helped ya" I said as I sobbed over her body

Rose pov

I watched my family from above as they cried over my body. And I felt regret. I didn't feel any better than I did before. If anything I felt worse. My soul lived on so I killed my body, but still feel depressed and anxious. And now I know how much pain and grief I put upon my family. How could I do that to them? I should've spoken to them. Finn is my best friend along with carrie but I didn't speak to any of them. I felt as if they would judge me or it would make things worse. But all I did by not speaking was put my pain onto many more people. And for that....I'm sorry

A/N

This was hard for me to write. I know numerous people who have committed suicide and in my opinion, it is the worst way someone can go. If you need to speak with anyone then I am here to help. And if you don't feel comfortable doing that, please speak to anyone if you have these thoughts. Maybe write your feelings in a diary. Or try a new sport or diet.

Search on Google suicide help line and your countries number will appear for you to call for support.

1611 words