The Diary's of Him and I

Twenty Four- Dread.

I didn't get much sleep last night, if the bags under my eyes couldn't show you that I don't know what could. I hated this feeling, the feeling of nothing. It's like I didn't know what to do or how to live. Like I've lost my way in life. 

I lay in bed staring at the ceiling like I would eventually remember how to live if I sat there long enough, but nothing came. 

Draco came back upstairs from eating breakfast and looked upset. I didn't know if it was because of the way I'm acting or if a part of him was sad to lose a friend; maybe it was both. "Do you want me to turn the shower on for you?" Draco pushed my hair out of my face. "I don't even know if I can stand... Do I have to go? No one will notice if I'm not there and no one wants to see me because Cedric and I were practically identical. Were...past tense, that sounds weird." I continued to stare at the blank ceiling. "Yes, you do have to go. If not for yourself then for Cedric. And just because you looked similar doesn't mean that no one wants to see you, if anything it makes them want to see you more because he lives on inside of you." Draco waited for my response, nothing. He got up and went into the bathroom, turning the shower on. 

Minutes later returning with just a tee-shirt and boxers on. He lifted me from the bed and sat me on the counter of the bathroom, "You don't have to do anything but I'm not going to let you lose yourself to the grievance." He slid my shirt off, then my shorts. Draco lifted me back up and carried me into the shower, his clothes still on. The warm water poured over my skin, creating a calming feel. Draco slowly put my legs down on the cold shower floor, it hurt to even stand. How the hell am I going to make it through the day?

 I washed my face with as little effort as possible, washing my body after that. I leaned my head back into the water stream, wetting my oily hair. Draco turned me around to wash it for me. He would have done it all but I knew I need to try to do something, especially since he was trying so hard to help me. The smell of Draco's tea tree shampoo filled the shower, clearing my lungs. I felt better when I got out of bed and I'm clean but my body still ached to do anything. Guilt was the unfamiliar feeling that ran through my body. What a bizarre feeling to have. One that you cant truly understand and why you feel it is even more of a question. Draco rinsed the conditioner out of my hair and shut the water off. He handed me a warm towel before grabbing one for himself. 

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror touching my eyes. They were puffy and the eye bags worse than I thought. "Your body isn't used to this. It's flooded with so many emotions that it doesn't know what to do with it, that's why you woke up so much last night and your eyes were unfamiliar to the tears that's why they're puffy. Don't overthink it. Your mind is trying to break you down, that's the only thing it feels you have control of, so I know that you're looking in that mirror and seeing a totally different person than I am. You're beautiful Kaitlyn, don't let your mind tell you otherwise." Draco's words were true. I felt like I looked horrible. 

I walked out of the bathroom into the closet, every step felt like nails being driven into my feet and through my legs. I grabbed a back dress and my lowest pair of black heels. I changed and Draco zipped the back of my dress for me. I slid on my shoes and went back to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and pulled my hair into a low bun, something easy but I would still look put together even if I was falling apart on the inside. 

I wanted to go to the funeral and I wanted to say goodbye to my brother even if he couldn't hear me, but it was the faces that were to gaze upon me that I didn't want to see. I knew their gazes were going to be filled with wonder. Wonder when I will completely fall apart as if yesterday wasn't humiliating enough. 

Draco was still getting ready but I decided to walk downstairs and maybe get some fresh air, though when I got outside I saw Narcissa sitting by the rose bushes with her back to me. "I figured you would want to get some fresh air before you and Draco left but I was hoping I could talk to you for a minute." Her back was still to me.