Smile When You Dive In

Chapter 11

His mind was still reeling as he made his way into the Great Hall for breakfast. The ghost of James Potter's lips lingered on his, feeling so real that Regulus had real trouble not lifting his hand to his mouth to be sure there was nothing there that would give away their secret, that everybody would see a mile off. His eyes darted to the Gryffindor table, searched for his brother. Sirius was there, saying something to Pettigrew and Lupin between mouthfuls of pumpkin juice that was all but poured down his face in his urgency to carry on whatever 'interesting' tale he had to tell. Usually, Regulus would've found the sight annoying, would have wondered how his housemates could put up with such uncouth manners. But as long as he wasn't wondering at James' absence, wasn't noticing the strange look on his own face as he made his way towards his friends at the Slytherin table, Regulus was only relieved. He looked away before Sirius could catch his eyes and see the guilt behind them.

Whatever conversation Carmen and Willa were having died the moment Regulus sat down. He didn't care, was used to it by then. He also wasn't entirely sure he'd be able to pretend to care about anything they were discussing at that moment, not unless they were going to talk about why James Potter's hair was in such a perpetual mess when he spent so long looking in a mirror. Did he do it just to be distracting? Regulus tried to put the thought aside, noting the way Carmen was looking at him. He was under no impression that she was skilled in legilimency, but after their conversation in the greenhouse, he didn't want to take any risks that she might guess the reason for the frog currently sitting in his throat. Instead, he pretended to busy himself spreading strawberry jam on toast that he was sure he was too tense to actually eat.

"Are you alright, Reggie?" Willa asked after a while, eyes moving between him and his uneaten breakfast.

"I told you he'd really be sick. When has he ever skipped Transfigurations?" Carmen frowned and reached over to put the back of her hand to Regulus' forehead, which he dodged. If they were going to assume he was 'still' sick after his day in the dorm, that suited him just fine. He didn't need her figuring out the truth, when there was a perfectly convenient excuse right there.

"It's that Potter's fault, if you ask me." Shafiq said from next to Willa, and Regulus lost all power of speech. The girls looked confused but thankfully not suspicious, tilting heads and humming as they waited for him to elaborate. "You were feeling alright until he gave you that knock on your broom, weren't you?" Shafiq asked, and Regulus nodded, trying to form some sort of words and force them up his throat so that he didn't just sit there looking as though he could pass out at any second.

"Yeah, I guess," was all that he managed.

"Did you go to the hospital wing after?"

"Yeah, I'm sure he did. He wasn't with us, were you, Reg?" Carmen asked. She was the real problem, the one he needed to fool, over the others. If any of them were going to put two and two together and come up with anything close to the truth, it would be her. Frankly, Regulus thought it was partially Carmen's fault he was in the mess that he was at all. Hadn't it been her that told him he could go around kissing boys as long as nobody knew about it? What horrid advice that had turned out to be.

"I might go there now, see if Madam Pomfrey'll give me something."

"If you're anything like me, all you'll get is a bloody lecture," Shafiq started some rant about how unhelpful Madam Pomfrey could be before matches, and Regulus decided not to stick around and hear the end of it, catching only "Enver, the potions won't work if you take them when you don't need them," in a terrible impression of her voice. His voice faded as Regulus reached the door to the Great Hall, stomach still woefully empty. It was worth it if he didn't have to listen to them discussing his previous absences or James Potter anymore. He'd just go down to the kitchens and eat with the elves. They would certainly never pry like his human friends did.

Thankfully, the rest of the day passed uneventfully, and when Regulus sat with the girls in classes, they made no further mention of the conversation from breakfast. Whether or not that was because they were too caught up in discussing the love life of Professor Slughorn seemed irrelevant, as long as they weren't discussing his non-existent love life. After class, he distanced himself from the two of them as quickly as he could, intending very much to go straight back to his dorm and the safety of his four poster bed where he could hide out again until he deemed himself capable of carrying on any conversation that wouldn't come back to Potter. So caught up in this endeavour was he, that he didn't notice the fingers wrapping around his wrist or pulling him into the empty Potions classroom until the darkness enveloped him.

"What are you doing?" He hissed, looking up at his attacker. James Potter, as he might well have expected. He stood there, leaning over Regulus with a frantic look on his face and no sense to let go of him until Regulus snatched his hand back.

"Have you told anybody?" James asked.

"No." Regulus rolled his eyes. He'd thought that he made it perfectly clear out on the Quidditch pitch that he had no intention of telling anybody, thought it had been implied when he'd said he wouldn't tell Sirius. After all, if they'd told anybody else what had happened in a place like Hogwarts, there was no way it wouldn't get back to his brother. He eyed James hesitantly. "Have you?"

"No."

"Alright..." With that sorted, he didn't see what else they had to discuss, but James didn't seem to be in much of a hurry to leave.

"Right." He said, clearing his throat.

"Then..." James started, but said nothing more. Then, what? Then there was no reason for them to continue the conversation? Then Regulus could leave? On the contrary, James' features seemed to soften. He visibly relaxed but Regulus couldn't, not when James licked his lips and demanded his full attention, not when his fingertips drifted back up to where they'd rested against his wrist. All instincts critical to life, to breathe, to protect himself from oncoming attackers, went right out of the window when James leaned down to kiss him again. His eyes closed, and he allowed his lips to be parted as James continued what they had started, a treacherous but exhilarating exploration. He wondered briefly if it always had to be like that to be a secret, tucked away in dark rooms filled with a silence he found stifling and yet couldn't bear to end. Regulus thought about moving a hand up to James' hair, grasping it between his fingertips and hoping he'd understand the power it seemed to hold over him when he'd looked at James in the days immediately prior. He hadn't the chance though, barely brushed fingertips delicately against his hot cheek before James was pulling back, perhaps more stunned than Regulus was at his actions. "I probably shouldn't have, uh..." he muttered, trailing off and swallowing down whatever feeling made his voice deep and strained.

"No, probably not."

"I'll... see you around." James mumbled before excusing himself. Regulus shouldn't have been surprised by that. Out on the pitch, he'd said that it shouldn't happen again. Regulus had spent the whole morning telling himself that it was for the best, that he didn't want to kiss James Potter again anyway. But if that was really the case, it didn't explain the fluttering in his stomach as he fell heavily against the classroom door.