Smile When You Dive In

Chapter 29

July 29th 1977

The words rang through Regulus' mind like a constant, mocking mantra.

'Don't, Pads. He's not worth it.'

Regulus thought that the sentiment summed up James' feelings towards him perfectly. He hadn't thought it was worth talking to Regulus about their differing beliefs when presented with them, or even worth it to find him afterwards. The moment Regulus had strayed from the person that James had thought he was, he was no longer interested. Even when Sirius had suggested that he join them at the Potters', something James had been trying to make happen for over a month, he had shut down the idea. Not bending to James' will was clearly unforgivable in his eyes.

Regulus thought about writing to him. He didn't know what he would say, but felt that he ought to say something. In the guest bedroom at the Lestrange house, Germana hopped about restlessly and Regulus felt guilty for not having a reason to send her out more. He didn't want to talk to Carmen or Willa, and every letter he started to James ended up scrunched into a ball or set alight when Regulus was particularly angry. Sometimes the letters were angry, blaming James for the decimation of their relationship, for not listening to Regulus and not meeting him halfway. Other times, the letters were apologetic and he spoke so honestly about his fears and how much he longed for James that he would destroy the letters, hoping the sentiment would go up in smoke too. It was difficult in his isolation to know how he really felt, if his anger or sorrow was more defining, and how he would feel in September when he was faced with the boy once more.

For the most part, he stayed out of Bellatrix's way while he resided with her and Rodolphus. She made one or two comments about his 'sulking', and told him that it wasn't a very admirable quality in a young man. Women desired strength, she told him. Regulus didn't care very much what women desired, though he kept that to himself. At least in the spare bedroom, he could sulk in peace. Other times, he would stretch his legs and brave the breakfast table only to be sent back upstairs, informed that the couple would be having guests over for business and that he was not to interrupt.

On one such occasion, Rodolphus was actually out on business with his brother when Bellatrix told Regulus that she was expecting a guest. She was in a particularly good mood that morning, smearing bright red lipstick across her lips as she talked. It seemed like she was meeting a friend at first, because she told Regulus that it wasn't important enough to mention to Rodolphus. It was still important enough to dismiss Regulus though, pressing a sticky kiss to his forehead as she asked him to stay in 'his' room until dinnertime.

It soon became apparent the reason that Bellatrix was acting so strangely when her guest arrived. Through the floorboards, Regulus could hear a deep voice that was familiar. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but when he heard the creaking of stairs he found himself hovering by the bedroom door. It wasn't any of his business who Bellatrix was meeting with, but the fact that Rodolphus wasn't to know made it at least vaguely more compelling than once again remembering the vitriol in James' eyes as he had dragged Sirius away. He turned the doorknob slowly so that it didn't make a sound and then waited until he heard them pass by him before he pulled it open, just enough that he could peek out. Bellatrix was up ahead, shrill voice singing the praises of the Dark Lord, who followed behind her. As though he could sense Regulus watching, the man looked over his shoulder and made direct eye contact with him. For an instant, Regulus almost ducked back into the bedroom and slammed the door shut. Before he could, the Dark Lord smiled at him, and winked one bloodshot eye.

Regulus could tell then that he wouldn't tell Bellatrix that he had been snooping. It could be their secret.

August 5th 1977