Smile When You Dive In

Chapter 41

The carriages still jolted over hills where the Earth had moved over centuries. First year students still rowed in boats to the castle, moonlight illuminating their anticipation. Regulus still felt the warmth of his peers' arms against his as they squashed closer together on the benches to make room for their newest housemates. The gears in the mechanics that governed Hogwarts continued to turn exactly as they had for all that time, teeth catching onto the next, one after the other. But for everything that remained unchanged, Regulus saw only the things that had. He saw the particular space his brother and his friends previously occupied across the Great Hall, now filled by other Gryffindors that he didn't know the names of. He saw the try-outs for a chaser, James' replacement. Most of all, he felt the absence of his family's grasp on the castle. He would call it loneliness, but knew that it was only what most of the other students had always experienced.

On his first day at Hogwarts, he had crossed onto the platform in identical clothes to his brother. They had stood close together until Sirius had spotted his friends, at which point he was alone for the first time. On the train, Narcissa had comforted him and welcomed him safely into the fold of the other Slytherins until Sirius took mercy on him. Their presence at school had made Regulus feel protected. Not in the case of a scuffle, because he didn't find himself getting into those, but by virtue of their shadow. He was the youngest of three Black descendants in the castle, and later the younger of two. Now he was alone. If that wasn't bad enough, Regulus' quest to remain invisible was thwarted by his own biology. Over the summer, he had grown significantly and it seemed to be the only thing anybody wanted to say to him. Carmen, the boys in his dorm, even Professor Slughorn had held out a hand to Regulus as though measuring up to him. If there was ever a time he had been more desperate to evade attention, he couldn't think of it.

Despite all of his worrying, nobody had come for him after his late-night excursion with Bellatrix. No aurors, no visit from Dumbledore, no letter from the Ministry to question his use of underage magic. Now of age, he wondered what the consequences for that would be, especially once they linked the murder to him. Would they let him change clothes before they took him to Azkaban, or would they fly him straight there in his school uniform? The worries never left Regulus, no matter how much time passed. Nor did the nightmares that the night had induced. Regulus saw the man not as he was that night, but the way he imagined that he must have looked after he and Bellatrix left. His fingers bloated, and skin pallid. Mouth agape and eyes glazed. Each night, Regulus woke and carried himself to the bathroom to submerge his face in water, hoping that the shock of the cold would pull him further from his dream and stop the others from hearing his quickened breaths.

While the absence across the Great Hall left him feeling hollow, it did allow Regulus to give his undivided attention to more pressing matters. His imminent arrest, but also the girls. Ever since he had realised Lucius' intentions in meeting with him so often, they had been pestering him to involve them in 'that stuff'. In the beginning, he had put them off because he wasn't quite sure he should be involving them in something that he didn't know much about. Once he had been convinced by the Dark Lord's soft voice and kind hand, he had foolishly wanted to keep that part of his life for his own, worried their intrusion would spoil the quiet delight bubbling up inside of him. Now, he once again felt the way he had in the beginning.

"You've been going to these meetings for a year now, Reggie. Stop being so selfish!" Carmen whined as Regulus prepared himself for the second such meeting since the beginning of their seventh year.

"Carm, I don't know what you're imagining, but it's really not that much of a party." He rolled his eyes, tying the black tie he'd picked out for the evening, a gift from Narcissa for his seventeenth birthday.

"She does have a point though, Reg. You said you'd let us know once you were sure." Willa piped up.

"And you seem quite sure!" Carmen's voice was high, the way it always was when she felt that she was being treated unfairly. Regulus gave her a look that reminded her of where they sat in the common room, surrounded by other students.