Smile When You Dive In

Chapter 31

In the weeks after his conversation with James, the rest of the student population became aware of the latest kindling in Gryffindor tower. If Regulus thought that he'd be safe from the gossip among Slytherins, he was sorely mistaken. By virtue of James' blood status, his new muggleborn girlfriend was of great interest to many of the pureblood students. Nobody was more interested nor affronted than Snape, and Regulus only hoped that he didn't look so bitter when he watched the two of them. If the mark on his wrist had sent Snape soaring, seeing his old flame cosying up to his sworn enemy was more than enough to shoot down his spirits.

For the most part, Regulus tried to ignore them. It should have been easy, given how rarely their paths had crossed in previous years, and yet Regulus seemed hyper-aware of James' presence wherever he went. In the Great Hall, he watched as she would rest her head on his shoulder. James would smile down at her as they talked, oblivious to the fact that they had an audience. When he spotted them in the corridors, James was often carrying her books or else holding her hand. While she had always pretended not to like James it seemed that like Regulus, she had discovered the benefits of discarding that pretence. She even seemed to get along better with Sirius, integrating herself into the group until Regulus seldom saw the self-proclaimed 'marauders' without her.

It would be so much easier, he thought, if he could hate her. Regulus watched the girl and tried to find things that irritated him, but ultimately found nothing. No matter how much Carmen and Willa insulted her, or brought up her muggle blood, he only wondered if she knew yet the treasure she had happened upon; to have James look at her like that. Something inside Regulus twisted as he watched them together, and yet he found himself transfixed. Before, he would steal glances at James, worried that Sirius would catch him staring. Now, he watched them openly. It didn't matter if Sirius caught him, he had nothing to lose anymore. Seeing James fawn over her, brush her hair behind her ears and press kisses to her head, it occurred to Regulus what he missed most about being with James. Of course, he missed James' touch and his kisses, the easy conversation and the sound of his laugh. But above all, he missed the way that James looked at him like he was something interesting and exciting. Watching James look at somebody else that way only made the absence of his attention more pronounced.

Resurfacing from the dizzying depths of a love affair was a strange sensation. James' affections had been gained so gradually that Regulus hadn't noticed quite how much of his time sneaking about together had taken up. Without that, Regulus found that his life returned slowly to the way it had been before. He spent more time with the girls, and with the elves in the Hogwarts kitchen. His homework seemed to finish itself, and he spent more time on the Quidditch pitch than he had since joining the team. After all of that, he lay with closed eyes on his bed and played back memories of James. He'd told Sirius that he didn't know if he loved James, and he had never told the boy as much but if the constant strain on his heart was any indication, Regulus thought he finally had his answer to that question. It was just a shame that it came so late.

On the night of the Halloween feast, he saw them kiss for the first time. Usually, Lily was more reserved and would bat away any advances beyond hand-holding or whispering in her ear. But with the butterbeer flowing and desserts in abundance, spirits were high. She reached up and turned his head to face her, mid-conversation. James grinned as he always did and dipped his head to meet her lips when she leaned up. Regulus felt his own breathing hitch, but as usual couldn't look away. After having eaten so much, and with the impromptu display of affection, he wasn't entirely sure he wouldn't be sick. He mumbled something to Carmen as he excused himself, planning on spending the rest of the evening miserable in the kitchen with Hattie and the other elves. What he hadn't counted on was Carmen following him down there.

"You really shouldn't let that tart upset you, Regulus." She told him, barging after him into the kitchen. Carmen being in the kitchen felt about as foreign to Regulus as it had when he took her down into the cellar of Honeydukes with James, though he wouldn't start thinking about that again.