Smile When You Dive In

Chapter 14

If Regulus had considered breaking the rules to tell Carmen or Willa about what he was doing with James, he always managed to talk himself out of it. If they knew, they would make little jokes about it at every given opportunity, and Regulus didn't even want to think about passing James in the corridors with Carmen in the event that she found out. Still, when she did find out, Regulus regretted not telling them sooner. He didn't think it was technically breaking the rules since Carmen had worked it out for herself based on his little slip and then proceeded to tell Willa. It was completely beyond his control, both of them finding out. And since they did know, there was no harm in Regulus telling them about the places he'd meet James, or the little things he would do to make Regulus smile. Even with the strain of keeping it a secret, it was the first time Regulus had ever really been interested in anybody like that and he was still finding it hard to believe that James returned the interest.

It was also a relief to have that topic of conversation with them, since he was frantically trying to avoid another. As the days began to grow longer, Lucius Malfoy milked every available moment to do business, meaning he was often in Hogsmeade late in the evenings. Being so close to Hogwarts so frequently meant that he'd begun writing to Regulus twice as often. He assumed the same was true of Snape, but since the last time they had left the grounds to meet Lucius, he had been avoiding Snape so hadn't asked and couldn't be sure. His letters had grown increasingly long and insistent. Snape was going to meet the Dark Lord before the summer, and Regulus ought to do the same. Malfoy didn't seem to think it important that Snape was over a year older than Regulus, the purity of his blood seemed to take precedence where his cousin's husband was concerned.

The problem was that Regulus didn't quite know if he wanted to meet the Dark Lord. He knew what his brother and James would say about it, had heard the Gryffindors whispering in the school halls. But when they spoke like that, they were lumping all of the Slytherins in together, and Regulus didn't think that was particularly fair. If he and the Dark Lord were both to be judged by the actions of a few bad Slytherins, then he thought it would only be fair to judge all of the Gryffindors by the actions of their precious Dumbledore. Malfoy said that a faction of the Ministry had formed around him, and that they were a danger to Wizarding society. It sounded like something of a conspiracy theory to Regulus, although if it were true, Dumbledore would certainly have reason to keep it a secret as the headmaster of a school. If Regulus judged every Gryffindor on that hypothetical, he was sure they would protest.

Though he was conflicted, Regulus didn't feel as though he could talk to anybody about it. If Regulus involved the girls, they would encourage him to go, and would want him to score them an invite, too. If he talked to James about it, James would only scold him for 'getting involved' in 'all of that', ignoring the fact that a growing number of his family members were involved in that and mounting the pressure on him to do the same. And if he even thought about going to Sirius about it, his brother would repeat the insults he had thrown at Regulus in the anger that living at Grimmauld Place fed. He would call Regulus feckless, say that he did whatever he could to please Narcissa and Bellatrix and that he ought to stop judging everything based on who was 'nice to him'. Since he already knew what they would all say about it respectively, Regulus opted not to tell any of them about it. Instead, he told Malfoy that he would commit to a meeting after Snape had been. That way, he could interrogate Snape and find out what he knew about the Dark Lord before agreeing to go himself.

As it turned out though, he didn't have to interrogate Snape. It was a Friday night that Lucius waited outside the castle's wards for Snape and early on Saturday, Regulus found himself accosted by the boy. He had planned on going up to the owlery before breakfast to write a little something to James. It would be too obvious to send him anything with Germana, but there was such a thrill in watching James reading the words he had written across the Great Hall, surrounded by his friends. For a week or so, they had been exchanging letters most mornings using one of the school owls, a fussy old thing with tatty brown feathers. It seemed as though James would have to do without his letter that morning, thanks to Snape.