Smile When You Dive In

Chapter 39

On the last night before the summer holidays, Regulus almost set out to find Sirius. The next day would be hectic, and he was terrified that he wouldn't see him. The Great Hall would be crowded over breakfast, and Sirius would spend his day saying goodbye to the people he was friends with, but not close enough that he expected to keep up with them. The platform was always bustling, and while he knew that there would reach a point where there was only Sirius' year group and his left, he knew that he would not approach him then, with so many people around. So he nearly left his bed in the middle of the night and padded the distance to Gryffindor Tower. Whether Sirius would be there or out causing some last minute mayhem, he didn't know, but he would wait until somebody got him, or he'd put his hand to the wall and walk the castle like a maze, as he had done in his search for Sirius back in first year. If Regulus didn't go, then he had no way of knowing that the last time he saw Sirius wasn't already the last. He couldn't even think of the last time he had seen his brother, it had been something so insignificant, across the Great Hall at breakfast, or passing between classes.

But if he had gone, what would he say? He would whimper and try to hold it in and take in his brother's indifference, capturing it to torture himself with after they parted. He'd hold in everything that he wanted to say, and manage only things that he had said before. Things he'd said when Sirius had left him the first time. "I need you." "I don't want you to go." "Please don't leave me." But Sirius had no more control over the passage of time than he did, and whether he wanted it or not, Sirius would be boarding the Hogwarts Express for the last time and Regulus would likely never see him again.

That night, Regulus had slept terribly as he should have expected. His dreams were filled with images of their childhood, happy ones. Times that Sirius had protected him, and times they had played together. The few holidays he remembered them taking as a family before his parents tired of that. In the morning, his panic had not faded. Instead of going to find him, Regulus then considered writing to him. He'd be able to articulate his deeper feelings better on paper. But what if Sirius didn't even read it? He might see it across the Great Hall, his owl delivering the letter and Sirius scowling when he discovered who it was from, ripping it up before his very eyes. Perhaps he'd read the words and laugh, pass it over to James so that he could laugh too. Or perhaps he'd tuck it away, out of sight, and Regulus would never know if he had read it or not. In the end, he decided against opening himself to that many hypotheticals.

For better or worse, Regulus didn't see his brother at breakfast. Nor did he see James, or Pettigrew or Lupin. He supposed they were probably off setting up some last minute prank as he thought they might have the previous night, a farewell gift to their housemates. Their spirits had been high since winning the Quidditch Cup, something Regulus knew that he should have cared about but no longer had the capacity to. How could he care about Quidditch with everything else that was happening?

Voldemort's meetings continued as they always had. Nobody mentioned what Bellatrix had said the previous month, and Regulus couldn't find it in himself to bring it up either. It spoke to his cowardice, but he had even stopped reading the newspapers delivered each day over breakfast for fear of what he might see. Another murder, or a raid, or something worse that his mind had not yet considered. A familiar name, or an arrest. The not knowing was affecting his concentration in classes, but the alternative felt worse still. When the heft of paper dropped before him, he simply slid it down the table to one of the girls, or to one of the other boys in his year.

"Aren't you going to look at it?" Willa asked him on that final day, sliding the paper back towards him with some force. Fear gripped him and he wordlessly turned the pages, scanning quickly for whatever it was that Willa thought important enough that he'd want to see. His fear turned to relief when he was met only by a double-page spread filled with pictures of the Hogwarts students. Most were the seventh years, but there were a few of the Quidditch teams. Regulus was in one, a picture of the team that Slughorn had taken after their first victory. He'd said it would be good luck, but that had not turned out to be true. The picture that really caught his eye though, was one of his brother and James. Lupin was barely in the shot, and the caption scribbled below said that Pettigrew had been the photographer of that one. They looked happy. James' glasses fell lopsided as Sirius messed his hair up. James was in his Quidditch robes, so Regulus supposed it must have been after one match or another. It brought about that familiar ache in the pit of his stomach, the jealousy mixed with longing, but he couldn't tear his eyes away. Eventually, he separated that page from the others and folded it carefully before tucking it into his pocket. He wouldn't let himself be seen tearing the picture out on its own, would save that for when he was alone in his dorm and packing his trunk for home. If Willa saw him do this, she didn't mention it, and Regulus was thankful for that. He passed the paper back to her, and she commented that there was nothing interesting in there, which he knew was more for his benefit than it was small talk.

On the platform, Regulus stood alone. The girls were saying their goodbyes, and Regulus allowed them that moment now that he knew the significance of it. He wished he could say that he didn't look out for Sirius and James, but that would be a lie. Shoulders crashed into his and he allowed himself to be distracted, a flurry of hands and apologies passing him by as people said their farewells to loved ones for the summer. For Regulus, who had nobody but the girls to say goodbye to, the noise and touch quickly got to be too much and instead of lingering on the platform to watch the seventh year Gryffindors like he had planned, he tucked himself away into a carriage the moment he was permitted to. The only glimpse of his brother that Regulus caught was through a smeared window, and he closed his eyes then, as though not being able to see him would make it all better.

And who could Regulus go to, after departing the train? Certainly not straight home, to Grimmauld Place. He wanted to rant, to complain about how foolish he had been for leaving things the way they were, how hurt he was that Sirius and James would leave things that way with him. But he couldn't say any of that to his parents, who would only scold him for being sentimental and 'soft'. Bellatrix was off the table for obvious reasons. The girls wouldn't be interested after listening to his complaints about Sirius for years, and that really only left one person as far as Regulus could see it.

"I wasn't expecting to see you today, Regulus." He said, fingers steepled atop the table as Regulus took the seat offered to him opposite.

"I'm sorry, my Lord." Regulus said, already questioning the decision he had made to apparate over. "It was sort of an important day today."

"Then I'm pleased I could share it with you." Voldemort told him. He reached for a decanter, pouring out two glasses of an expensive-looking liquid. Regulus wasn't old enough yet that he was technically allowed to drink, but he wouldn't remind the Dark Lord of his youth any more than was necessary. When they were alone, the Dark Lord treated him as though he truly valued his company, and he couldn't do anything to risk that. He winced at the first taste, glad that the man hadn't been looking. "Why don't you tell me what's on your mind?"

They both knew that Regulus needn't have told Voldemort what was on his mind, that he could find out anything he wanted to know with one piercing stare, but there was something cathartic about finally letting some of his worries out. He steered clear of James, but did speak about Sirius. Regulus let the dark liquid pour down his throat, hating the way it burned less and less each time. Sirius had left home, and he shared some of the circumstances, the way he always argued with their mother. How they had drifted apart when Regulus was sorted, and how much he missed him. When Voldemort told him that it was reasonable to feel betrayed, Regulus jumped to defend his brother, feeling that the word sounded too harsh out loud, even if it did accurately capture the way he had felt.

"He couldn't help it." Regulus told him.

"Oh, I'm sure that's not true. Your loyalty is commendable, however." He responded, and Regulus noticed that his glass was full, wondering when he had refilled it. "There's something you should remember, Regulus."

"What's that?" He asked, staring down into his own empty glass.

"Sirius will always be your brother, but he's not all the family that you have. Spend some time with Bellatrix, with Lucius and Narcissa. It will do you good." The suggestion was one that didn't sit well with Regulus, and he started to explain this.

"But Bellatrix is..." He trailed off, not quite able in that moment to recall what it was that had offended him so strongly about his cousin.

"Bellatrix is a powerful witch." Voldemort finished for him, and Regulus found himself unable to disagree. She had always been strong, wielding great power even before she knew how to put it to use. "There is much you will learn from her, Regulus, if you will only let yourself."

"I don't want to be like her." Regulus said, and this surprised him as much as it seemed to surprise the Dark Lord.

"Nor am I asking you to be." Came the reply, after a moment of consideration.

"You're not?"

"Of course not. Your gifts are yours as hers are hers. But allow her to unlock those for you." Perhaps it was just the drink, pushing down the doubts and questions that usually occupied Regulus' mind, but he found himself agreeing despite everything Bellatrix had done. How could he feel betrayed by Sirius if he too was going to abandon his family because he disagreed with their actions? Spending time with Bellatrix, learning from her, that didn't mean that he condoned her actions. Perhaps she could learn from Regulus, just as much as he would from her.