125 and 214 Shades of Grimes

Everything a Mess

They studied me for a moment, before focusing their eyes on my bump, and they both froze.
Silence stretched between us; I had no idea how long had passed before Edward broke the silence.
“Shall we… Sit down in the park and talk?” he asked, voice strained.
I wanted to reject the invitation. I wanted to go home instead of being around them again. This would not help me to hold onto my newfound hope; it would just destroy it again. But their pleading faces…
“Okay,” I said in a small voice, and we found a bench to sit down. They sat on either side of me – the feeling was so familiar, so warm, yet so painful.
“So… You’re pregnant?” John asked, shock coloring his tone.
“Yes,” I whispered, not being able to look at them. I just played with my fingers on my lap.
“Is it...” Edward prompted, and I knew I should not listen to my friends. I should just stick to my plan.
“It’s my boyfriend’s,” I said, wishing that they would believe me, “He name is Paul.”
“You – you got a boyfriend straight after we… We…” I could hear the pain in Edward’s voice, and I quickly squeezed my eyes shut before the tears could form.
“Yes,” I said, my voice breaking. It felt like my heart has shattered into even more pieces.
“I see,” John croaked, and when I opened my eyes, I could see from the corner of my eye that they had their fists balled on their lap. I quickly shut them again.
“And you’re happy,”
“Yes,” I said, the dam holding my tears threatening to break.
“You really don’t feel anything for us?” Edward asked, barely able to keep his body still – I could feel him trembling.
“I once did,” pain was closing in on me, and I thought I was going to pass out. Stay strong (Yn), you can do this, for the twins, the twins that were the fathers of the twins in your body.
Silence dawned on us once again.
“We’d better go now,” John suddenly said in a whisper and I snapped my eyes open, “I guess you have plans with… Paul?”
I slowly looked up at him, and nodded. His eyes were shimmering with moisture. It was heart-breaking to see. I was so proud of myself that I did not cry... Yet.
“I’m glad that you’re happy,” they helped me to my feet.
“You two look well too,” I choked, even though I knew it was not true – that was all I could manage. I thought I could not speak anymore… My throat was insanely dry.
“Yes,” they grimaced – I knew they were still hurting from what I had done to them, and hearing the “yes” was like twisting the knife that was already stuck on my heart. It was crazy how much they had done and endured because of me.
“Goodbye,” I blinked at them, trying to hold back my tears for a few more moments. After this, I would not see them again, probably… “Take care.”
“Goodbye, and you too,” they stared into my eyes, and for a moment I thought they had penetrated my thoughts and figured out what I was playing, but really, I never knew. Even if they had, they did not say anything, which I was glad…
I slowly and unwillingly tore my eyes away from them and turned around. I glanced down at my bump for a moment, before taking a deep breath and walked away, with tears streaming down my cheeks, the image of John and Edward, the men I loved dearly, stuck in my head.

It had been a week since the encounter at the mall and the park with my blond angels… Well, my ex-blond angels. They were no longer mine and I no longer had anything to do with them. I had made up my mind and I did not think it was likely for us to meet again – even if we did, by then, I was sure they would have completely gone out of my life as well as I in theirs, and that there would not be any sad feelings.
But I was simply physically detached from them; it did not mean I had also got over the mental obstacle. Their images still haunted me all the time and pain would seep into my heart every time I thought of them. I was now in an even worse situation than before, before I met them last week. I could not even go to work. I had missed work for a week now, since that day to the mall.
My appetite was still there thanks to my babies, but whenever I ate something I would just throw up. I could barely keep anything down my stomach. I did not mean to starve my babies, but I could not help it. It just happened. I was mentally ill, perhaps… I needed time to heal, a lot of time.
“You can do it (Yn),” I gasped, kneeling beside the toilet, “Keep it down!”
I squeezed my eyes shut, but I could feel the nausea coming again. I was so exhausted; I could not fight it down. I could barely sleep these days; it was even worse, just like everything about me. Physically and mentally, everything had gone downhill.
Another wave of throwing up took place, and I grasped the edge of the toilet like my life depended on it – basically, it did, as I was so weak and I could barely sit up straight now; puking took a great deal of energy.
After my stomach was empty again, I half-crawled out of the stinky toilet and reached for my phone – I thought I was going to lose it now; I could not hold on anymore… I was so weak and dizzy and everything bad. It hurt everywhere. I had to call someone for help… At least help my babies…
I flopped down onto the hard and cold floor and unlocked my phone with shaky hands, and called the first person that I could find, who was Sandy. I lifted the phone against my ears, and uttered a “help” when I got put through. I heard someone yelling on the other line before slipping into a pool of darkness…

Breathe, swim, and find the air! I was trapped underwater! My head was heavy and my stomach was heavy as well… My babies! I had to get to the surface and save them! I wanted to move my legs but I could not and… What was that noise?
Siren? Why was there siren underwater, in pure darkness? That was weird… But it sounded urgent and I was even more desperate to move. But I could not! The pressure on me was too much and I was nailed down under. But my babies, the babies of… Of…
Argh! Suddenly I was pulled out of the dark water and I saw light. I was able to open my eyes slightly and felt someone moving me… Not someone… Heaps of people… Everyone was shouting and moving… What was happening? It was shaky like I was on a moving surface... And suddenly it was very bright and I felt the cool breeze on my skin, waking me.
From my blurry vision I could make out the outlines of people around me… People in white clothes… Some sort of uniform – wait, wait, what was that? Something covered my nose and mouth – oh, oxygen, hmm…
“Stay strong, (Yn)!” I heard the familiar voice which I seemed to have heard shouting down the phone on the other side of the line… Sandy? Sandy was here? What was going on? Oh yes, the babies! The babies of—
“(Yn), please!”
“Don’t!”
Were those… The voices of my babies’ fathers? Oh no, they must not be. I was probably still groggy after all the swimming in the dark water… Oh water… It was closing in on me again… But this time it was bright… Hmm…