125 and 214 Shades of Grimes

Pain, Pain, Pain

“Yes,” I whispered, looking away, as I was not able to look into their eyes which were filled with fear and pain, mirroring the emotions in my eyes.
“B – but why?” John stammered.
“I shouldn’t have let it gone this far, but I had no choice,” I continued to whisper, like I was talking to myself, “I wanted to help you two to come out from the darkness and I had no choice. I had to follow the path that’d lead to this. Everything that had happened had led to this ending. I could see it when we first did it.” I looked up to study their faces for a moment before dropping my gaze and squeezing my eyes shut – it was too much pain to bear.
“We’re happy when we’re with you. The three of us. I know you are too, so why leave?” John made an attempt to grab my hand, but I hid it behind my back. He let his outstretched hand fell back limply.
“This won’t work out,” I mumbled, staring at anywhere but the two boys in front of me, “It’s wrong and it’ll give us nothing.”
“You don’t have to pay attention to the others,” Edward choked – I knew they were getting emotional, and I kept repeating to myself that I could not cave in now, after all that I had done to cut off any connections – it took me a great deal of determination and gave me a lot of pain doing all those decisions. And if I looked up at them now, I knew I would start to break down and it was not going to help me set everything straight. I might just end up in their arms again.
“No—” I began as I got cut off.
“Look, we’re happy and no one even knows about us and we can just continue like this, I mean as long as we’re happy, why do we have to do what people say? They don’t understand and we aren’t hurting anyone. And we’re happy so we can continue like this!” Edward said in a rush, his voice breaking, and my heart was also breaking.
“Yes, we were happy, and I was too, but this isn’t going to get to anything – we’re not going to get married, we’re not going to end up a normal relationship and it’s wrong!” I raised my voice slightly as I was on the edge of breaking down. This was harder than I thought.
I heard them gasp. I felt guilty about doing this, but I had to. I closed my eyes again and tears began to ooze out of my eyes like waterfalls.
“We gave our hearts to you, and we’ve never felt like this before,” John said in a strained and crackly voice, “We love you, (Yn). Do you not love us, even for a tiny bit?”
Oh God. I did not think I could do this anymore. I wanted the ground to swallow me, but this was not going to happen. I took a deep breath and stared into their eyes. This was it.
“Yes,” I said, sorrow filling every single nerve in my body, “But not anymore. I want to, but I can’t. I can’t do this anymore. You don’t need me now. I have to go before everything gets even attached.”
Pain flashed across their features. Their eyes were shining with tears, and a teardrop fell from Edward’s eye. I had the alarming urge to wipe it away with my thumb, but I used all my will to stop my aching hand.
“No,” John whispered, and he also began to cry, “Please don’t do this…”
“You’ll each find the perfect girl one day, I promise,” I grimaced – the thought of them being with other girls hurt me.
“But you’re the perfect girl for us!” Edward said, his voice higher than usual.
“I’m sorry,” that was all I could manage, and I grabbed my belongings.
“No!” they tried to stop me from leaving, but I yanked away from their grasps, crying uncontrollably.
“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry…” I kept repeating as I backed away from them. I had to leave now, or I would break down for real. The last image I saw before I left the room was the identical tear and pain-stained faces of the two beautiful boys that I once loved… And still loved.

“(Yn)!” Katy attacked me with a hug as I opened the door to the staff room on Monday. She eyed me suspiciously as she was studying me at arm’s length, “What’s happened? You look like a zombie, (Yn)! Do you miss us so much already that made you like this?”
I gave her a weak smile, “Yeah, maybe,”
The past two days had been disastrous. I could barely sleep and eat, and all I did was staring into space, and cleaning the house with a blank mind. The pain in my heart still would not leave no matter what I did. I did not even bother to talk to my best friends about this, because I knew it would just lead to another break down.

The twins did not show up. They did not show up at school today.
I was rocking back and forth with my arms wrapped around my knees on my sofa as I thought about everything that had happened today.
Everyone was really nice and sweet as I said my farewells, including the students – some boys made a few flirty jokes without doubt, asking when I was not their teacher, could they date me, but it was really nothing – they were just joking all along and we all knew it, so I was able to laugh it off.
But John and Edward… I could not even stop crying when I thought of them properly. I knew it was better if they did not show up today, so there would not be more tears and heartbreaks, and that no one would know about our relationship, but before this I thought I would be able to take a glimpse of them for one last time. But no. I was left with the sadness-filled faces of them from Friday.

A month had passed. And I still had not got over them.
I had found a job at an office – it was better to get myself occupied rather than staying at home sulking all day, and when working, I seemed to get distracted from the heart-wrenching thoughts for a bit.
But when I was back at home, I did nothing besides crying and staring into space. I was a mess – thank goodness for the existence of makeup, or I would be shot straight away when I left the house; I was basically a living dead… My best friends said so too – yes, they knew, and even though it was slightly better to have someone shares your burden, the burden was still massive and I still could not breathe under it.
I had lost so much weight and I felt so weak. Every time I ate I thought of all the restaurants that the three of us had visited, and every time I closed my eyes, their faces – especially their faces when I saw them for the last time – haunted me.
As I was picking at my dinner – salad, my stomach suddenly churned weirdly and I had to puke. I quickly ran for the toilet, and poured everything – including the pain, the sadness, everything – down the toilet.
When I had cleaned up myself, I went to shove the salad down the rubbish bin. I guessed I starved myself too much and I was getting sick. I would have to call in sick and see the doctor tomorrow; I felt like dying.
Actually, I wished I was really dying. Then I would not have to deal with this anymore… But no, this was not going to happen.
I sighed, and went to bed, ready to embrace another night of sorrow.