Chapter 21: I'm Done

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Chapter 21:

Hearing him say her name kept repeating in my head and I honestly don't know what to do. I was extremely upset with it, I wanted to break down and cry, I wanted to slap him right across the face.

But then I remembered, it was my job to help him move on from Emma, the fact that he still thinks about her means I'm not doing my job correctly.

I have no choice but to accept the fact that I'm just a substitute,

Once he moves on from her, I'm not even sure if he'll stick with me. He might find someone else once he moves on, I'm just his alibi.

"Good morning," I greeted Draken as he just woke up, I was at the stove cooking breakfast. "I'm almost done cooking, I just have to--,"

"Actually, I'm about to head out," Draken said as he was getting dressed to leave, "Masaway-san might get mad if I'm not home yet,"

"Oh, okay," Was all I could say, he then quickly left the apartment without saying goodbye.

He's probably going to the cemetery to apologize to Emma again.

...

A few months have passed, and Draken has been avoiding me since.

We were supposed to go out that Wednesday, right? Well, he bailed on me and since then I've only spoken to him like once a week.

He said he was busy with Toman,

Were there any improvements since? No there have not been any improvements, in fact, it's getting worst. We barely talk, we haven't gone out together, and the only time we met was when I visit him at the brothel.

I heard from Mitsuya, Peh, and Pah that he still visits Emma every day. He has time to see her every day but doesn't even have a few seconds to text me or anything.

Was I tired? Yes

Do I hate this situation I'm in? Yes

But am I willing to break up with him? No

I've gone this far, right? I can't give up now.

Why was I tolerating any of this? I wasn't sure myself,

Do I still love him? Of course, I do. I hate the situation, I hate everything about this, but I don't regret it one bit. 

Why was I being so stubborn about this?

I grew up being hated because every single bad thing that has happened was my fault. My mother's suffering and death, her family's heartbreak, Emma's death, Draken's sadness. It's all because of me, so never did I once ask for anything because I don't deserve it.

I never asked or demanded anything from anyone because who was I to ask such things?

I always tried to please the people around me because I don't want people to hate me anymore, I want to make them happy instead of only bringing misery to the people close to me.

I always set aside my wants,

Like when I gave up loving Draken so Emma could be with him,

Because I know I don't deserve it.

I don't have the luxury of being selfish, 

I did once when I told Draken not to love anyone else, but I was rejected.

That day I realize I can't ask for anything anymore, I don't deserve anyone's consideration. I was alone, I have always been alone. 

But when he told me we should date, it was like the universe finally acknowledge my existence. I was finally given something I want, and it was what I've wanted all my life. Being with Draken.

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