Carnal Desire "The Awakening"

Chapter Eight

Authors Note: Hello everyone! I'm sorry for the delay in chapters, but I found this chapter especially difficult to write considering the nature in which it is written. I wanted to present an aspect of realism while not being insensitive to the topic. With that being said, I would like to warn you that this chapter contains descriptions of a scene that may be triggering for some readers who are sensitive to this issue. Therefore, a warning and continuation will be provided for your convenience.

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SYDNEY

Friday, September 25th

As I stand in my en-suite bathroom looking at myself in the mirror, replaying the events that transpired me to this point, battling my inner thoughts. I know that deep down I was trying to escape the void that is Jordan. On some level I know my friend Keira had a point, she would never deliberately misguide me. All throughout college she has always had my best interests at heart.

I had to at least attempt to get over Jordan, even though the thought of it seemed altogether foreign to me. A part of me couldn't believe I said yes to Jackson asking me out. In my anger and frustration towards Jordan I had worked up the courage to walk over to him and say yes to a date with him.

I feel like the more I replay it in my head, the more I realize that this might be a mistake. But then again, that small seed of doubt, the thought that brings me back around to actually following through with my date with Jackson, is that Jordan doesn't have the decency to call me. Which makes me feel like I mean nothing to her, and I hated that this was starting to become a reality to me.

I checked the time on my phone and noted that I still had a little over a half hour to finish getting ready. I also noticed that I had another call from an unknown number. I mentally groaned at the sight; I really didn't want to deal with it right now. Whoever was calling me from this unknown number has called me more than Jordan, I wish it were her instead. Just one call from her would put a stop to me going through with this. I know I would change my mind in an instant. But sadly, she's all of a sudden too busy for me.

I could feel the disappointment and anger start to build up again. I hated myself for sounding so weak and whiny. I hated that was I becoming dependent and seeking validation from Jordan for practically everything. I was becoming a person I vowed to never be. Dependent and relying on someone else to make me feel like a whole person.

I've let my feelings for Jordan define the very essence of me. I let it control me in almost every way possible. From the shampoo and conditioner I use, to the way I contour, even down to the way I dress. And that's just the physical appearance. I haven't even scratched the surface with how she makes me think or feel. I am completely aware that Jordan didnt personally tell me to change. She would never tell me to change for her. I did this without even realizing I was doing it.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how different I've truly become since I met Jordan. Not that it's anyone's fault but my own, I know that I let it happen. I finally let myself open up to someone, after a lifetime of building up walls so I would never be hurt again. It was something I thought I had in college but that turned out to be an even bigger mistake. One that I've been running from ever since.

No! I wasn't going to allow myself to become that broken again. I had made a promise to myself that I would be stronger and more resilient. I mentally willed those thoughts away. I had a date I had to get ready for.

A half hour later, I stepped onto my front porch and locked my front door. Then went to my car. I had told Jackson that I would meet him at the restaurant, it had become a force of habit not to let strangers know where I live. And just because I knew Jackson from work, didnt mean I trusted him. Like I said, I had built up walls and just because I let them down for Jordan, didn't mean that I let them down for everyone else.