Carnal Desire "The Awakening"

Chapter Fourteen

Thursday,     March 11th

JORDAN

I rolled over and swiped the alarm off, annoyed that I have to get up and face another day. Things would be so much simpler if I didn't have to go to school. Every time I think of entering that dreadful place, my stomach tightens, and I feel like my heart is going to be ripped out of my chest. Nothings the same anymore. Colors have lost their vibrancy, food has lost its taste, the sound of laughter sickens me and sends me into a pit of despair.

All because looking at her makes my heart churn. She put my heart in a vise grip and twists it with every word she speaks, every smile I know that will never be for me. She used to be the light of my life. She was once my salvation. Now all that is left is the torment she has left in its wake. She has now become my damnation.

The plague upon my house, the plague upon my heart. My envy of Mercutio escalating with fervor. At least he had the sweet release of death, never having to experience the agony of true love lost. Having to face her almost every day. To make matters worse, is seeing her acting so cavalier whenever she stands in front of the classroom. Acknowledging everyone in the room but me.

The only thing really keeping me together is my workout sessions with Dylan. Kennedy's trying to supportive, doing the dutiful best friend thing. Trying to cheer me up, inviting me to parties or saying whatever she can to try to convince me to hang out with her. I have yet to bring myself to do either of it, even though I feel myself slipping into old habits.

I can feel the old Jordan trying to break free, and if I'm being honest, I am beginning to welcome it. At least then I'll be able to numb the pain. At this point anything will beat having to come to grips with my new reality. Another battle I have to force myself to fight as I remember all of the hard work and the effort it took to change who I used to be.

No more time to ponder, I need to get ready for the dreadful day ahead. I do my new morning routine, deciding that not only will I work out my body but also concentrate on inner meditation as well. I find doing this helps keep the negative energy at bay, at least for a few precious hours I might be able to feel at peace. 

Once I finish, I take a quick shower and then get ready for the day. It's fair to say my wardrobe has changed a little once my depression set in. I decided to wear my all white zipper skinny jeans, with a black diamond studded belt. I put on my black long sleeved shirt with the words 'Savage' written on the chest in red graffiti letters. Then I slipped on my black and red Air Jordan Retro 1 mid tops. Feeling satisfied that I looked somewhat presentable, I quickly ran some gel through my hair. Making sure to grab everything I needed before I exit my room.

Not even bothering with breakfast, I leave the house and drive to school. Thankful for small favors now that don't have to pick up Kennedy anymore so I can be alone with my thoughts for as long as I can. I pulled into the school parking lot and parked in my usual spot. Taking a moment to collect myself. Witnessing the usual humdrum of the beginning of school day, the expansive grounds practically littered with hormonal teenagers. Some making their way inside while others were outside reluctant to start the day.

I noticed Cole and Kennedy standing in their usual spot, most likely waiting for me. Today I didn't feel like dealing with them. I knew it would be a tirade of questions, gossip and opinions ranging from some Jocks party that was most likely to occur in the days or weeks to come, or the possible potential colleges we might be considering. Don't get me wrong, I love and respect my friends, their opinions matter to me and I know their probably worried about me, but I just don't have the energy to be around them. Plus, I don't want to be the one to bring them down to the miserable pit I've been living in.