2gether AU: Stay, be Still

Chapter 23: A 50-50

Tine's POV

My heart clenched and unclenched in agony as I thought of Sarawat.

The medical report was well-hidden under the closet. I didn't want Sarawat to find it out, nor was I prepared to read the diagnosis over and over again.

Taking a break from work was really a wise choice, I wouldn't know how I was supposed to live through the stress while working at the same time.

Part of me refused to accept the diagnosis, but Fong had reassured me that it was not by mistake.

And it was a 50-50 bet.

He had verified the medical report twice before getting it back to me and knowing Fong for so many years, I knew he wouldn't make such a silly mistake.

I couldn't believe that this was it, I had stolen enough happy times for myself greedily.

I've pushed back the operation for 2 weeks, and I knew I didn't have much time left.

They were the best and worst 2 weeks of my life.

I got to spend a lot of time with Sarawat, and his innocent eyes would always pain me. He didn't know I was going to die.

When Sarawat left home and went to work, the fear of dying simmered at the pit of my stomach.

It was f'cking scary, needing to make this decision, but the choices available for me were either to live, or to die.

And I was willing to take the leap of faith for my Wat.

I wanted to live with Wat, I wanted to live for Wat.

I thought of the conversation we had before, in which we agreed that I'm a selfish man who wanted death before Wat.

I thought of the nightmare, which Sarawat left me all alone in the darkness.

They were all signs pointing to the inevitable death.

And I was the only way to break the curse, I held the key to break the curse.

I spent the past fortnight convincing myself that the decision was the right decision, that the surgery would prolong the time I could spend with my Wat.

Sarawat made me believe that living and breathing are going to be blessings in the future, and with him, everything seemed to fit in the right places.

He made my desire to live and fight against the bitter battle stronger.

Yet, at the same time, he made me fear that what if I've made the wrong decision.

What if my time was shortened?

I shook my head in refusal, I have to do this, by hook or by crook.

And time is running out for me.

The first few lines were written and crossed off repeatedly, none of that felt right.

At last, I chose to pull my medical report out. With the diagnosis staring back at me, I found the right words to express my heartbrokenness.

I packed and looked through my duffel bag, making sure that I had everything I needed.

To: My love

I'm sorry Wat, that I chose to reveal the truth to you in such a cruel way. I wasn't in any way prepared to see you breaking down, crying in my arms. Just imagining how you would be reading this letter while sitting in our room, hands clammy and tears running in your eyes made me realise how deep my love was for you, Wat.

It all felt like settling my heart among a pile of cactus. Initially, it was purely pain with the thorns piercing through my heart. Then, it was numb and it eventually faded out, because I was just lying there lifeless.

I chose to leave you, because I thought this, might be the best way to end things between us. I wanted you to remember that Tine, that Tine whom you willingly showered your love graciously. That happy Tine perhaps, or even that grumpy Tine when we quarrelled. I wanted me to remember that Wat, that Wat whom I realised how beautiful love could be. It wasn't about our differences or similarities, it was about us.

Just in case, please, don't look for me. Look up, and just carry on your life, chase your dreams, be that star. As for me? I'll be that angel who protects you, who guides you and who shields you no matter what lies ahead. Okay?

I promise, when we meet again, everything will be okay.

Love, your love

Blotches of ink smeared as tears dripped onto the paper I was writing on.

I wasn't willing to let go of this beautiful love that had taught me so many things.

I wasn't willing to let go of Wat, this amazing man who had taught me so many things.

I wished our love could be one that lasts forever.

For the last time, I glanced at our room, and out of a sudden, our room felt too big and too cold.

This is it.

///

I went back to the place when I first met Sarawat, the place when I first listened to Scrubb's live concert.

That day was just pure happiness, and I felt sunshine pouring from the bottom of my heart as I thought of the shy boy who flirted with me shamelessly.

What if I didn't bump into him that day?

The university felt familiar yet strange, I saw the old memories flashing through as I scanned the perimeter.

I thought of Sarawat, I thought of Fong, I thought of Type, and I thought of Wat.

"Fong, do you think I will make it?" I asked bitterly.

"Tine, it's a 50-50, but if you don't move your ass to the hospital and get that surgery done now, you're 100% doomed."

Philosopher Fong indeed.

"Let's pray for the best, shall we?"

"Are you sure that you don't need Sarawat to see you in?" Fong asked for the one last time.

"I've left him a message, he would be looking for you once he's home later I guess. Also, I don't think I would want to see him being all fragile as I go in later. I would rather spare him a few more hours."

"Well, if that's your final decision. Let's go, shall we?"

I nodded and followed Fong into his car, he was going to drive me to the hospital and see me in.

Hopefully, by the time when Sarawat reached home and read the letter, Fong would know what to tell Sarawat.

I love you Wat, till forever and beyond, but I'm sorry for this.