Deviant

twenty night

~Feelings~

"Your mother and your sister don't have to find out." His father whispered in Jungkook's ear before rolling his sweaty body off him.

"I know how much you hate your mother. Why not get rid of her? I am so tired of her fucking complaints. She knows that I want you more and she started to get jealous. If she wouldn't be around, either that stupid little girl, then it would be only the two of us. With no one to interrupt."

Jungkook was laying on the bed, naked and full of bruises. His eyes empty, as he was looking nowhere.

"Here" His father put a knife beside him, onto the bed. "Think about it."

Jungkook's pov

What should I do?

I felt your arms around me, holding me, protecting me. Somehow you managed to bring me to your bedroom and placed me on your bed. I helped you a little. But I couldn't do much. My body felt too weak.

I am so sorry. I am such a pain. You just got yourself a pain in your head.

I am so sorry.

I feel so ashamed.
After all, I am just a stranger in your house.
A stranger who just turned your world upside down.

Why am I still living?
What am I doing?
What is my purpose?
Who am I?

I don't know anything anymore.
The only thing I feel is anger. And I don't understand why. From where this is coming.

I can't stay with you.
They will find out, and you can end up in prison for hiding a fugitive. And I have to do something even though it feels so safe here with you.

And apart from that, I am afraid I will hurt you.
Something in me feels repugnance towards you and it wants me to hurt you.
I feel my blood boiling in my veins because of your nearness. I want to get closer, but at the same time, I feel like pushing you away.
I hate myself.
I hate this world I am living in.

I hate those who brought me into this world.

I hate people and I want to hurt them as much as they hurt me.

Why do I have so much anger?
Is it true? Did they really brought me into their house just to exploit me?

Did I kill them? Even that little girl?

Am I really such a monster?

Maybe I am.

Maybe my mind indeed blocked everything I have gotten through.
Maybe that's why I can't even remember their faces.
Maybe that's why I don't remember any happy moments together. Maybe there weren't any.

Hours passed as you were still holding me. You cried and I couldn't understand why.
No one cried for me before. At least no one that I did remember.

You were sleeping now and I couldn't stop looking at your face which was so close to mine.
What is wrong with you?
Who are you?
Why do you even care, when you shouldn't? Normal people don't care... Right?

But what is normal?
What I feel now, is normal?

Running my gaze down from your closed eyes to your lips, my chest started to burn. I wanted to touch you. But why would I want that?

To touch you, how? I didn't know how. And my heart started to race as I leaned closer and closer not understanding what I wanted to do.

Closing my eyes tightly I tried to come up to my sense. But you smelled so good. You were so tempting, so beautiful and I felt weird.

Then you opened your eyes, confused, you looked at me, then down at my lips which were so close to yours. And your eyes darkened.

Who did you think I was? Him? But I wasn't. I am me. But do I want you to believe that it is me right now?

I don't know anymore.

I wrapped my arms gently around your waist and pulled you closer and held you in my arms. I couldn't breathe properly when your fingers started to caress my cheek softly.
My heart trembled as I wrapped my fingers around the back of your neck before touching your lips with mine.
I saw the fear in your eyes. But did you see the fear in my heart?
How can someone be so torn apart?

You wrapped your arms around my body. You closed your eyes and kissed me back, slow, softly. Like you were afraid to touch me more.

What was I doing? Why was I doing this? Was it because I felt that lonely? Or was it that my heart was vulnerable?

Why did I touch you? I told myself so many times that it was not right. It's disgusting. But with you somehow it was different.

There was a feeling of Tsunami inside my heart, brain, and body. There was some electric wire running through my entire body.

You were trembling in my arms as you dragged yourself closer. Like you wanted to be a part of me. Like you wanted to sneak into my soul. But it's nothing there to find. And even if there was,  it was nothing beautiful.

I wasn't cold anymore. Your body had a weird effect on me.
You started to shower my face with little kisses and I couldn't stop looking at you. But I couldn't say anything either. I was scared as fuck because of what was happening inside of me.

I am not him. I yelled inside my head. Do you know who I really am?

Do you know?