Deviant

eighteen

~You should know my heart~

"You became suddenly obedient and lovely. What happened? " You grinned as you buried yourself into Jungkook's solid and warm bear hug.

You were both standing now, while hugging each other with a slight swaying side to side, in the middle of the living room, with no worries if anyone would see you.

"I just can't get enough of you. " You heard Jungkook whispering into your hair.

"How could you, when we had only a few moments together? There wasn't enough time for us to get bored with each other." You replied as you brushed your hand against the hair on the back of his head and kissed the side of his neck.

"So, do you like being this way with me after all?" You couldn't help ask, a playful grin lingering on your lips as you searched his face.

You felt his arms wrapping slowly around your neck as he hid his face in your hair. You felt him nod like a little kid.

You smiled.

"You know? I would be really happy to hear you actually saying it. Open yourself to me. You know that you can tell me anything. " You said as you slid your hands down his back and caress him gently.

"I know," Jungkook said before placing a soft kiss on the top of your head. Then his eyes stopped in yours.

"Do you really love me? " You bluntly let it out. Then you chuckled as a slight flush graced his cheeks.

You felt sorry for him but at the same time, you just had to be a little selfish.

"How do you love me, Jungkook? "

You tilted your head as you watched him as he started to become restless and uncomfortable. Still, he wasn't running away, his arms still tightly wrapped around your shoulders. This fact gave you the confidence to keep going.

"I am a little different from them?" You smiled cutely as you cupped his warm cheeks between your hands, forcing him to look at you."How do you feel after what happened between us?"

You wanted to know much more. So many things. If you were enough.
If he still felt the need to punish people. If he will leave again to satisfy his thirst for revenge. Would he ever get rid of those habits? Would he ever learn to let go of his past?
It was hard. It will be a tough fight. You were aware of that, but also, you were ready to do anything there was needed for you to win against the darkness that slowly but surely enveloped him whole.

"Y/N...", Jungkook breathed out as he closed his eyes slowly. " I really don't want to talk about this or my past."

"I know. I will not ask anything regarding those terrifying moments you went through. I just want to know how you see me, us, and what it's this between us. You do know that no matter what, as long as you will want me and need me beside you, I will stay always here. But, sometimes, I can't stop this feeling, this fear, to invade my heart and my mind. This fear of being left behind. Because I am scared that one day you will have enough of me." You chuckled painfully as you lowered your gaze and stared at the hollow of his neck.

Jungkook opened his eyes and touched your hair before running it through his fingers. He gently tucked a strand behind your ear as he made you look at him. You lost yourself in the softness of his eyes.
"Didn't I tell you already that I can't be without you? Haven't you felt me already? Regarding my feelings for you, do not ever doubt them. Maybe my mind is fucked up, but my heart isn't."
The softness of his voice filled your stomach with butterflies.

"I love you. " You whispered as you took his hand and intertwined your fingers together.

Jungkook smiled.

"I know."

"You do? You really do?" You searched his eyes as you brought your both hands up to cup his cheeks. Then you brushed the tip of his nose with your lips. You wanted to make sure that there will not be any misunderstandings regarding your feelings for him. That he will not have doubts.

You could see how his eyes saddened under your soft, lovely touch.

"Maybe I don't understand the whole concept of love. My past, the people who shaped my life, have a big influence on my present self. I want it or not, this is how it is. It's hard to forget everything just like that and start everything from zero."

"I don't know what I am. I don't know who I am. I don't know how long you will stay with me. I trust you but, in the end, people change. Feelings change. Time has the power to do that, to change everything.
But one thing I am sure of, and that is I gave my heart to you a long time ago when I begged you to sedate me and stay with me. I wanted it or not, you already trapped me with your kindness and love."

"No one has ever done anything for me. No one has ever shown me that I am important to them. I was important for only one thing they needed. I was good to only satisfy their desires. What I wanted or needed, didn't matter. I was just someone they were using to their liking. You are different. Trust me, I can see that. I can make a difference. Maybe I am bad when it comes to showing my feelings, I don't know. I hadn't done it before so it's kinda new for me. But trust me when I say that I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop wanting you this close to me."

Your heart started to race as his hands slid down your waist. "I can't stop yearning for your touch and your kisses. I can't stop missing you when you're not around.  If this is love, then I love you."

"But I am not enough." You smiled sadly. "You told me how sometimes you need to control people and hurt them. And that it feels good doing it. Will you continue with it? Will you still go out there and sleep with them?"

You felt Jungkook's body stiffen in your arms.

"I will not accept this, Jungkook. Not after what just happened between us."

Jungkook's sad eyes searched yours.

"I understand you. Not completely, but I do. But I have to think of myself as well. I just made love to you. I gave myself to you. I gave you all of me. You know better that you were my first and that if you will continue to have sex with others as well, it would break me. And I can't accept something like this. For me, love means respect and trust more than anything. If you will go to others, then that means that you don't care about me or my feelings. And I will leave you Jungkook. Even if my heart would die in the process, I will leave and never look back. You know that I would do so."

"I know," Jungkook whispered as he traced the side of your cheek with his fingertips. "But even so... I guess that I would search for you through the whole world until l find you."
Jungkook smiled sadly. "Because there would not be anything left for me to live for. If you disappear, then I will disappear. "

"Jungkook... " You started to protest as you pulled back a little. His mouth over yours stopped you from continuing though and you inhaled sharply at the feeling of his lips.
A thread of heat unwound in your stomach as his lips parted yours.
He thrust you against the table and he cupped your cheeks with possessive yet gentle hands.
Staring into your eyes, he slowly dipped his tongue past your lips.

You could feel your body responding to him. You were breathing heavier and a wave of heat flushed through your body as the kiss started to become intense, eyes closed now as you two were devouring each other's mouths.

Jungkook's eyes opened slowly as he slid his hands under your shirt.

This is how I want you Y/N. Obedient and crazy about me.
I will not let you go. Even if it kills me.

Mingyu glared at the woman in front of him.

"Now. You want it or not, you will give me a damn good explanation. "

"Why the fuck did you abandon Jungkook and left him in a fucking orphanage?"