Deviant

True love?

First of all, you could not get over the fact that he didn't burst out after what you have done. You were ready to see him calling you names and throwing things your way. But no, instead he was in front of you crying and telling you everything his heart was varying.

You stood there as you watched his tears fall one by one. Your heart ached at this side of him. Seeing him crying in front of your eyes, so weak and so vulnerable, you felt like holding him and assuring him that everything will be alright. You needed a lot of strength to not do just that because this time he needed you to just listen to him and not promise something you cannot deliver.

"Look at me. Do you know how I feel each time I'm looking into a mirror? How much I'm holding myself back to not do anything stupid? I hate everything about myself. I hate what I've become, what I have always been because of that man. I have this endless repugnance every time I'm pulled back into the past. This interminable hate, disgust, and frustration every time I'm finding myself reliving those horrible moments. With you, it doesn't happen as frequently as it used to. Now your presence in my life, your love, your sweet words keep my mind full and those feelings, those bad memories are pushed somewhere at the back of my head. But it's like this as long as you stay by my side or I don't know for how long. Maybe tomorrow I'll be tormented and suffocated by them and once again forced to do anything it takes to free myself from that horrible pressure in my chest I feel each time it happens."

"Do you know how sometimes I wish to just end up with my life and everything just so I wouldn't remember that man's touch and... and what he did to me. But I can't do even that... Because of you. Because you stubbornly hold onto me. Because I, as well, am holding desperately onto you."

"I'm so ashamed. You and everyone else can tell me that it wasn't my fault. No matter how many times you'll repeat that, it will be for nothing. I will never be able to pull out of my head the way that man touched me and how much he humiliated me. I will always feel ashamed and disgusted. This will never vanish. Not with words, not even with facts or your cute demonstrations of love."

Then a bitter smile made its way onto his lips and it pierced your heart.
"I can't even stay mad at you. How could I? I made so many mistakes. I did so many wrongs and disappointed you so many times that I don't even have the guts to say anything back to you. I don't have the right to be mean to you or turn my back on you for one unfortunate mistake. Or better say no matter how many mistakes you'd make."

Jungkook sighed then bit his bottom lip as he stared at you deep in thoughts, and you felt suddenly nervous.

"I thought about this from the moment I saw that woman. Maybe it's not the best decision but... I need to be alone right now and try to figure out what I feel. With you around... It's like I can't think straight and I don't give a damn about anything else. I can't concentrate on anything else apart from you and it supposed to find myself first before giving you my all. I think this is how it works, right?"

"So, you want me out of your life until you find yourself." You swallowed hard not knowing how to take the new information. You wanted, you hoped that he would be able to do that with you by his side, helping him as much as you can. However, a part of you understood his need to be alone and see what he really wants and needs.

"I will leave the house if that's better for you..."

"No. I can't be calm knowing you God knows where. I will be in my room and you will not come to see me nor talk to me for that matter. I only need a couple of days. I hope you will understand. I... Am too caught by you and I... I have to think about what I truly want. Seeing that woman... Kinda turned my world upside down."

"I understand, don't worry. I'll give you all the time you need." You forced a smile and it did come out how you wanted but it didn't fool Jungkook.
His eyes saddened as he watched you, his fingers brushing your cheek lightly before capturing your chin between his fingers.

"That doesn't mean that I stopped having feelings for you or that my feelings for you are troublesome for me. Don't think too much about it. I just need a moment for myself."

And what if you will conclude that I am not enough for you? That what you feel for me isn't true love. And that it's better without me around.

Your chest ached. You could only nod as you cast your eyes down. It was quiet in the room as he watched you staring at the floor. Then the sound of your phone pulled you out of the spell his presence started to slowly suck you in.

You shoved your hand into your pocket and pulled out your phone only to blank out when you see the message from Mark popping up.

Hi, love. Did you miss me? Cuz I sure did ;)

Your fingers trembled against the phone aware of Jungkook's presence next to you.

Then another message came.

I miss burying myself inside you.

You felt Jungkook become stiff beside you and you knew that he also read those messages. The truth was that you were tired of searching for explanations and trying to understand what the heck was happening. Why Mark was doing this. Why did he have to make an obsession with you. Why did he have to send those messages right at that moment.

"It seems that that guy doesn't give up easily. He is really into you." Jungkook whispered under his breath.

"I never..." You still tried to explain that between you and Mark nothing happened but Jungkook didn't let you, his lips already pressing onto yours, hot and yielding. It was a short kiss before he pulled back. "Don't. I... Am too tired of this. No matter what would you say, my heart will still be full of doubts. Please leave."

You only nodded and did what he asked you to. Then once you left the room, you leaned against the closed door. Your eyes were half-closed, your chest tightened and suddenly it was hard to breathe. You couldn't stop asking yourself if his mother was right. What she told you... It was like she read your thoughts and felt your fears.

"Did you ever think if he loves you for real?"

"What do you mean?"

"Think about it. You are the only one who truly accepted him and loved him beyond everything. Until now he never had a real home, someone who would wait for him, want him, and love him unconditionally. He never met someone who truly cares about him and his well-being. What if... he thinks that he loves you but in fact, he sees you like his family. A place where he can return to any time. Like a mother. A sister. A friend. Don't forget that he can't make the difference between romantic love and love for family. I'm just telling you this because I don't want you to suffer. You have no idea how grateful I am to you. And how dear you are to me. I want what is best for you.
Jungkook is my son but... I care about you as much."

Jungkook pov

I couldn't believe that I actually let you leave like that.

I lifted my head and stared at the ceiling before closing my eyes with a deep sigh, the image of that woman coming into my mind.

I had no idea what was I feeling. Hatred? Solitude? Frustration? Maybe all of that at once? I don't know. But one thing I was sure of. And that was-
I didn't want to see her or have anything to do with her.
Because I knew that I will lose myself even more.

I was so fired up because of that woman's sudden appearance in my life, that I forgot what was the most important thing to me.

And that was... you. And your safety.