Deviant

forty five

~Us two~

Your pov

Another week passed just like that.
No one knew about us. I took care to throw my phone away before leaving Seoul. I had to make sure my parents would not find me.

Just like that, I give up on everything. My life, my future, and what I represented until now.
For him.
For me.

Nothing was more important than him.
Nothing could make me happier but be with him. I felt alive. It was like until meeting him, I was walking through life without being aware of myself and who I really was.
And yes, it was easy. So easy.
My life now wasn't mine only anymore, but his as well. More his than mine.
Why? Because I was so in love.
Because I wanted, I needed, to protect him from everyone.
How to do that? I didn't find the answer yet. Being with him, watching him, even if we were close, even if I could touch him, was still terrifying. Because after all, I had a responsibility. Because his health, his life, were in my hands. Because I couldn't predict what will happen in the future. Because I couldn't predict where all of this will lead us. It was a risk I had to assume.

Before throwing my phone away, I memorized Mingyu's phone number, and one day I called him from a telephone booth. I had to make sure he was alright. And he was. To my relief, he was the one who answered and told me that he was recovering. Even after what Jungkook did to him, he was still worried about him. He told me that he trusted me and if I needed any help, I can call him anytime and he will come right away.

The police were searching for us. Jungkook was considered dangerous and the police departments across South Korea were on high alert.
So I had to keep him hidden inside the apartment I rented.
His mental illness didn't matter, in their opinion, Jungkook was still a murderer.
After all, he killed Jin. They have the knife with which Jungkook stabbed him multiple times. No matter if he had a reason to do it, no proof was found against Jin and his obsession with Jungkook. As well, no one knew how much Jungkook suffered because of his abuses. I didn't know much about it myself, except whether Jungkook told me. But just a little. He didn't like to talk much about it. But I believed in him. After all, he didn't kill me. He didn't kill Mingyu. And I was sure, Jungkook never wanted to kill him.

And of course, no one could forget the cold blood he had when he killed his own family in such a monstrous way when he was just a child.
Because of that, no one would actually want to help him. Everyone would lock him somewhere and then turn their backs on him and go on with their lives, forgetting completely about his existence.

How could I leave him alone like that?
How could I go on with my life and pretend that he doesn't exists there somewhere, with no one to take care of him?

Sometimes, at night we would take a walk or go to the beach. Just like we were doing now.
Of course, I couldn't keep him locked up in a room all his life. My heart didn't let me do so. It was enough how he lived all his life.
I wished to see him free, to make him smile.... to make him forget.

But no matter what I would have done, no matter how much I would have struggled, he was still caught in his hell. I could feel him, his struggles, his fears.
After all, when night came, his nightmares would make their appearance every time.

Jungkook never asked me to inject the drug into him. I couldn't figure out why though. Not even when he had his panic attacks. And that started to happen almost every day.
Instead, he would hold me tight in his arms until the pain would fade away. He would hold me with shaking hands like I was his anchor. Like he was trying to cling onto something real. Something which could help him come back to reality.

Sometimes I felt them. My crazy playboy and my sweet bad boy. I could feel them inside of him. After all, they were a part of him. Thanks to them I came to know him. His fears, his feelings, his true self.
And because of them, I knew... his feelings for me.

Maybe he was confused.
Maybe he was frightened.
Maybe the pain in his heart and the darkness in his mind were much stronger than his feelings for me.
But I knew better. I knew. From the way he was watching me sometimes.
From the way he was holding my hand tenderly in his, or how sometimes I caught his gaze on my lips.

What is it? I asked him one day after I caught his gaze lingering like always, on my lips. I wanted to know what he was thinking about.

But he didn't answer. He just averted his gaze somewhere else, avoiding mine for the rest of the day. But I couldn't help but notice his eyes saddening and the pain he had in them.

Now it was night. We were walking on the beach and I couldn't keep my eyes away from his back as he was walking slowly in front of me.
My heart was racing for no reason. But it was happening every time he was near me, so I guess I was used to it by now, my heart beating like crazy because of him.
I lifted my arms with the intent to reach him, grab him, hold him and bury my face in his wide strong back, and tell him how much he means to me. How much I love him.

But when I was within an inch of touching him... I stopped. I stopped myself from doing so. I just promised him that I will never hurt him. So... how could I be this selfish? How could I put him in such a troublesome position? It would be too much for him to handle. It was crazy. I was crazy. I couldn't get rid of this fear haunting me. Fear that if I'd make a wrong move, he wouldn't understand my feelings.
I was afraid he would turn his back on me and vanish. This time forever.
And I couldn't be without him beside me.

During these few weeks, I began to get used to his presence in my life more than ever. To wake up next to him, under his dark curious eyes, watching every move I made.
He was cute. Damn it, he actually could be so cute that I could actually die because of it.
And I could not stop a tear from rolling down my cheek thinking about how everything could be if his past would have been entirely different.

I wanted to hug him. To love him. But I didn't know how. I had no idea how to approach him.
I wanted him. All of him. His body, his mind, heart, and soul. To have him here with me today and forever. To protect him.
And it was hard to keep all my feelings hidden.
I couldn't stop yearning for his hugs and kisses.

I exhaled heavily as I closed my eyes, trying to relax my senses. And once again pretend that I was alright. To not worry him.

His pov

I was so conscious of your body's warmth behind me as we walked on the beach.
I lifted my head and stared at the dark sky above us as I was walking slowly,  waiting for you to catch up.
A drop hit my cheek, then another one and soon another. Looking back your way, catching your gaze lingering on me, I smiled. I didn't think too much before turning around and reaching out to you for your hand. When my fingers came in contact with your flesh, I shivered. Again this weird sensation.

"Should we go back? It seems that it will start to rain any moment." I said as I linked my fingers through yours. I could do this. Actually, I kinda started to like the feeling of your hand in mine.

"Can we stay like this a little longer? " You asked me and my heart fluttered seeing you smiling warmly at me.

"Sure." I tilted my head at the feeling of your fingers tightening through mine. My smile broadened as I continued to look at you. It was weird but I enjoyed staring at you. Everything you were doing seemed so interesting and captivating. And I couldn't take my eyes off you. Just like it was happening at this moment. I was nervous but excited at the same time. This strange feeling inside me was so foreign and I couldn't understand myself anymore.

I exhaled heavily before grabbing your other hand as well. My mind was a mess as it went in a million different directions at once trying to understand what I felt and what I wanted to do. It was frustrating, I was angry at myself. But in the end, I pulled you into my arms and kissed your cheek.

I could feel how your body reacted to my touch and how you buried your fingers in my shoulders. I pulled your hair back gently, tilting your head so my lips could capture yours.

And my heart started to race faster and faster.