Deviant

forty four

A/n: I want to thank those sweet angels who followed my old account, and even though they read this book a long time ago, they are still here giving their support and encouragement. I am here because of all of you. Thank you so much for everything, I don't know how will I ever be able to repay you.
I love you very much :")

~Sacrifices~

His pov

We were in an apartment, somewhere in Incheon.
It had been five days since we had come here.

You were peacefully sleeping and I couldn't stop looking your way.
You were so tired after working day and night...for me. For us.

"Leave everything to me. You can't expose yourself so let me take care of things. I am fluent in French. So I can teach students. As well I can easily find a job. Like I can take care of an old lady or something. I am good at that kind of stuff after all."

I pulled a chair close to the bed and straddled it, watching you deep in thoughts as I chewed on my bottom lip.
How could you sleep this way every time? So peacefully and without any worries.
I just killed someone. As well as my own family. Did you forget that?
Now, look at you, with your guard down like that in front of someone unstable...like me.

How did you know that I wouldn't be able to hurt you?
Why are you this way with me?

My vision blurred as I searched your cute face.
You are so strong. I wish I could be like you. But I can't. My mind doesn't let me progress. I will always drag you down. I will always be this way... with time maybe even get worse.
I can't get rid of those images.
I can't get rid of the hell I have gone through in that house.
I can't get out of my mind their hands on me.
I can't stop hearing their voices.
I can't surpass this hate I feel.
I can't move on.

Do you know that?

I am sure you do.

I wish I would have met you a long time ago.
I wish my life would have been another.
Maybe this way... Maybe you and I...

I closed my eyes and smiled.

What was the point of thinking about 'what if'. This was the only reality I was given. There wasn't another one.

But this was a reality... that I couldn't accept.

No matter what I would do. No matter what would you do, it would be for nothing. I wouldn't change.

Do you know that? I think that you do. But you are still hoping.
And I feel sad because soon enough, I will disappoint you.
Because this is who I am right now.

I had no idea how long I stayed that way. It seemed that every time I was with you, I somehow was losing track of time. I became soft. You make me become someone I didn't know I could be. And it wasn't something I wished for.

The moon made its appearance in the sky a long time ago, the room being lit only by the street lights through the window.
Your eyes were open now as they looked at me in the same way they did every time. And you smiled. Again. And that was it.
This was all you were doing every time I was looking at you. And it was confusing. But it did things to me.

I couldn't read your mind.
I was aware of your feelings for me, but I couldn't understand your love.
Because you told me that you loved me. But not once you tried to approach me as they did.

So I couldn't understand.

Everyone wanted something from me.
Everyone wanted to make me theirs.

But you... you were just looking at me with those warm eyes of yours full of adoration. And you were so happy every time my hand touched your head or your cheek, every time I held your hand. How could you be happy because of such meaningless things?

I was grateful somehow.
No matter how much I wanted to repay your kindness, if you would have asked me to touch you more, I wouldn't be able to do it.
I took your hand and interlocked our fingers. Your smile widened. Your eyes were shining with happiness. See? Only because of such a little thing.

You were so simple.
But again...I was grateful. I could make you smile a little.

"You can't sleep?" you asked as you caressed my cheek with your other hand, your expression suddenly serious, your gaze scanning every inch of my face.

I can't do this anymore. I wanted to say to you so bad these words. But I couldn't. You were smiling so beautifully just a moment ago. I couldn't ruin everything.
I had just to hide my pain a little more, as well as my nightmares. For you.

I watched you in silence all this time. Every time they were conscious, I was there somewhere in the darkness of my own mind. I somehow heard their thoughts and felt what they were feeling. But this happened only since you came into my life. In their life. Their feelings were so powerful that it woke me up. Both of them were scared. Deep inside, both of them wanted you to stop. Did you know that?
Why? Did you know why did they feel that way? Because your presence hurts.

Because every time you are near, it hurts.

Because once again I was aware that I wasn't normal. Every time I was looking at you.
Every time you were looking at me.

Because your presence was forcing me to become better.
Because your actions, your care, your love, were forcing me to give something back to you. Something you deserved.
And you deserved everything.
Yet my condition didn't let me.

Apart from my sick mind. Apart from the pain, I felt with every single breath. Apart from my miserable life, now it was you.

Do you know why your presence hurts?
Do you know why I hated you so much, so much that I forced myself to wake up?
Do you know why I wanted to kill you?

Because of the way you make me feel.
Because it's frustrating.

Because I can't touch you.

Our fingers were still linked together the moment you started to gently pull me toward you, onto the bed.
"Come. Let's sleep," You said with a charming smile and an angelic voice.
"If you will have nightmares again, I will wake you up, I promise. I will be here watching over you." You secured me, this way luring me into your arms.

You buried your fingers in my hair tugging on it gently as you searched my face, worriedly. Then your fingers came down to caress my cheek, your eyes filled with heavy, dark desire as they stopped in my eyes.

I bit my lip painfully at the way you were looking at me. I felt how my heart started to beat faster and I even forgot how to breathe normally.
My eyes traveled down onto your lips and I gulped to get rid of the knot which just formed there inside my throat.
You let a heavy breath out, and when I searched your eyes again, they were tightly closed. I could hear you breathing heavily and I could feel your body trembling against mine. And I knew why. You wanted me to touch you.

"Good night," you whispered as you buried your face in my chest.

I am sorry.
Didn't I warn you that I am broken?
I am so sorry.
If I would have been normal... I would have given you my all.

I would have loved you insanely.