Moments that define us

Chapter Sixteen

Jameson

Have you ever regretted something the moment it happened? Have you also wished for more at the same time? Well that's where I was at. I wanted every single thing Emmalynn Rose would give me. I couldn't get enough of that girl. I also knew even though she said she wanted more, that she would regret it after. She was the type of girl who fully lived by the grace of God. Yet here I was, a man who felt him and God turned their backs on each other. I couldn't get passed a past that haunted me.

Truth was I needed to let go. Another truth though.. I was scared. And here Emily was in the middle of my disaster. I was just the fool who put her there. So this appeared to be my fault. Or at least I would claim it as my own fault.

I looked over at Emily as she paced back and forth on the creek bank. She had tears in her beautiful green eyes, and I felt like an absolute prick for making her feel any less than her worth.

"Em, baby look at me." I tried to keep my voice strong. I didn't want her to know that her breaking, was in turn breaking me.

She stopped for a minute and looked over at me. A range of emotions crossed her beautiful face. Regret, fear, longing. I didn't know how to make this better, but I wanted to.

She finally walked over and sat down beside me. She wasn't lookin' at me though. She kept starin' at the creek, watching the water move along the rocks. I reached over and grabbed her hand, bringing her wrist to my mouth to kiss.

"You know I thought things would be better. You told me about your past, and maybe this past week has been better, but I'm more terrified now than I was." I hated how vulnerable she sounded. She emanated so much light and goodness, and here I was burning it all to the ground. Maybe she would be better off with some other guy from her church.

Here I had just told her dad I wouldn't hurt her, but I was hurtin' her and didn't even know how I did.

"What terrifies you Em" I whispered. Honestly I was afraid of the answer.

She took a deep breath and looked over at me. This angel had unshed tears in her eyes and my chest ached at sight of her. "I'm scared that I don't regret what we just done and that I wanted more. I am so scared of how I react around you. I'm scared because I want more, but I also want to wait, I mean I don't want to make Jesus upset with me. I am terrified of how I feel about you. I am terrified that I could give myself to you and you could end it all any time you wanted and go back to her." She whispered the last part, and I felt like I couldn't take a breath. Was suffocating on emotions a real thing?

I pulled Emily over to me and kissed her forehead. We stayed like that for a couple minutes, before I spoke. "How about this. Let's just kiss, but not take it too far. I don't want to make you regret anything. I want to cherish you Emily, because there is only good and light in you." I rubbed my fingers against her cheek, then used my thumb to turn her face towards me. "I don't ever plan on going back to her baby. Yeah I do still have love for her. She holds so much of my past Em. But when I see my future. You're all I see. So let's just have some fun. Let's go to the lake with Mac and Amy one day this week when we get off work. Let's just go slow. I want to honor you, but I may need your help at times. It's so hard to keep my distance, when I just want to pull you into me, and show you the only way I know how, how much I love you."

We sat there in silence for a while. The sun was slowly startin' to sink, and we needed to get back. We both had work in the mornin'. We decided to head back to the barn, the ride was silent, and I hated that she didn't fully trust me. Did I even trust myself? What would I do if I saw Mandy again? Honestly, I had no idea what I would do. I wanted her to be happy. Maybe if I saw her thriving and movin' on with her life it would help. Maybe I needed closure. I wasn't sure.

When we got to the barn, I put the saddle up, and she brushed Millie. I could see why she loved her. She was a beautiful horse.
We silently walked to my truck, and decided to go to the lake this week to get our minds off the heavy. I leaned down and kissed her soft lips, and I loved the way she melted into me. A minute into the kiss, she pulled back and kissed my cheek. We said "Good night", then I left.

The drive to my hotel, I vowed then and there that I would do everything in my power to make this work. I wanted her to know how loved she was. So I planned to ignore my past and leave it where it lay. The thing about our pasts though, they always come back to bite us in the behind. And when mine would come back around to bite me, I didn't even see the punch it brought with it.