Back To December.. A Harry Styles FanFic

Chapter 19: A Message

(play song in bar. Totes sets the mood lol)

~TAMMY'S POV~

My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes on
You don't have to be alone
Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it's so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back
And I'm not gonna say, "I don't mean that"
You're the target that I'm aiming at
Got to get that message home

I hadn't finished writing the letter because i punked out and cried in Liam's arms.  His broad chest and comforting sent brought me closer to sanity.

Liam- its okay

Me- i thought i was doing the right thing Li, i promise i did.

Liam- I'm sure you did.

Me- should i tell him? i mean......  could loose her anytime now and i..... She needs to meet her dad.

Liam- i say you should but at the end of the day its your decision love. Listen, Dani is at the hotel with Louis and Eleanor and I'm getting tired. If you want me to stay i will.

Me- no yeah totally. Thanks for everything. See you in the morning?

Liam- of course. Goodnight.

He left after kissing my forehead. 

I got up from my seat to sit next to Darcy's bed and played with her hair.

Darcy- Momma?

Me- yes baby.I;m sorry didn't want to wake you up.

Darcy- Momma?

Me- yes baby?

Darcy- I....

Me- Darcy its okay go back to sleep.

I began to choke back my tears.

Darcy-Momma. Don't cry

i swallowed the large lump in my throat as i failed on her request.

Darcy-  i love you Mommy

Me- i love you to baby

Darcy- I tired 

I nodded and slowly stroked her honey colored hair.

After awhile she had fallen asleep with her tiny hands plastered on my face. 

I slowly got up and went to the desk and chair in the room. Turning on the small lamp, i grabbed the paper and pen and began to pour my feelings out on the paper.

Dear Haz.

I understand i have put you through loads of bullshit but if you could just please read this all the way to the end. Where the fuck do i start? I fucked up big time i can tell you that. Well it happened years ago. You had just started the band and i was so happy for you.  You were on your way to stardom and i knew you were going to make it.  Remember that night when you came back from the show because your band had made it into the live shows? Well i do, it was the best night of my life for more than one reason. We made sweet love Harry. Almost every night i lie in my bed remembering the way your body moved against mine. The way the sweat from your skin clung to my. My nails were glued into your back and i knew i was leaving marks on your skin. (sorry about that) Its like whenever i remember that night i can see everything like if I am actually there. like i can feel you inside of me. I can hear my heavy breaths in between. After you left my heart broke. I felt like i could be sick and i was for an entire week. I didn't want to eat or go to school or do anything pretty much. About a week later i felt nauseated. I began thinking and i then realized i hadn't gotten my period. I began to panic. After i told my mom she forced be to go to the doctor. If  you haven't guessed already yes i was pregnant. Mom shipped me off to jersey to go live with my dad and his family. I didn't mind leaving you because i knew you would want to keep the baby. I knew you would want to be there to take care of her and would want to give her all you could. I wasn't going to let you do that so that's why i didn't keep in touch.  I hated myself so much. I'm sorry Haz i really am. I failed both of you. i'm scared she is going to die and not know you, and i cant do that to either of you. My selfishness has put us both in this predicament and if i could do anything to have us as a family i would. Now its to late, my baby is dying and nobody knows how to stop it. She's only 3 Haz.

                    Darcy. I named her Darcy because of you. it was a odd warm December night when my water broke. It was a misty and humid when my family rushed me out to the hospital, which was very random for new jersey in the middle of winter. The only thing i kept thinking about was how much i wished you were by my side, holding my hands, telling me i would be okay. I wished so badly for you to pull me close and tell me i would be okay soon. That it would all be over.  That my entire 9 months of pain and suffering were now over. And when i say pain and suffering i mean that like actual pain and suffering. My first month of my pregnancy i became hooked on this magical blue pill that took all my stress away. I would take one and immediately it took me places. It also made me forget life for  while, until i sobered up. I stopped after three weeks though i didn't want to hurt my baby... I guess i did though. I fucked up Haz.I wouldn't know what to would do with myself if i loose her.  I'm sorry from keeping her from you for so long.

I hope one day you can forgive me.

-Tammy.