Tell Me I'm an Angel (Frerard)

Final Private Angel Log

Final Private Angel Log

I can't write in this journal anymore, there is no point, because as much as I try to think of something else to pen to paper, all I can call to mind is Gerard, and I will never move on if I continue to do this to myself, so this will be the last entry in this book.

I thought I was healing, and at first, I seemed to manage without him in my life. I kept myself busy, always throwing myself into the nearest project, so by the time I returned to my room, I would be so exhausted, I wouldn't have time to think. That worked for a time, but eventually things in Heaven began to return to a semblance of normalcy, and I couldn't find enough tasks to distract myself with.

There was some excitement when Oliver fled with his group of loyal archangels in the dead of night, but that quickly died down as well. Search parties were sent out, but they managed to elude us, and since they hadn't taken anything important, we let them go. I knew they would probably cause trouble later, but that was a problem for another time.

It doesn't help that my wing is permanently ruined; the healers tried everything, even going so far as to re-break the bones twice in an attempt to get them to knit back together in the correct position, but nothing worked, so I can't even escape to the air any longer.

I feel useless now, especially since I can no longer handle my job of hunting down demons, and even though there are other things I can do without my wings, I miss the gift of flight, and my heart is caged without it.

Days turned into weeks, and before I knew it, six months had passed since Gerard died. I got worse instead of better, and I spent the majority of my time trying to find a way to bring Gerard back. All of my friends are worried about me, especially Billie; he has constantly tried to reason with me that there is nothing we can do, telling me that Gerard is truly gone, but I don't want to believe that.

I am trying to function without him, I really am, but nothing is working, and I find myself at Gerard's grave more often than not, sobbing bitterly and begging for him to come back to me. I realize that I am slowly spiraling out of control, but I can't stop myself.

Not everything is terrible though, at least my friends are happy. Ryan and Brendon seem just as in love as they were before, Mikey is adjusting well to becoming an angel, mostly thanks to Ray, who has barely left his side, and even Billie has found his own place in Heaven, taking charge of the Holy Library now that Brendon is busy with other duties. I haven't been spending nearly as much time with them as I should, but it is hard to fake happiness around them, so I avoid them more often than not.

Bob is doing well too, and I visit him quite often. I like getting out of Heaven, and his gruff nature calms me; I am tired of receiving pitying looks from the other angels, so Bob's company is a welcome change. He has organized the rebel demons into a compromised unit, and their main job is to liberate other demons that don't want to be in Hell, though they also help out Heaven whenever we have a task we can't handle on our own.

Everything is going perfectly, and I should be doing better, but I'm not. I am a mess...and I don't know how I will survive like this much longer. I just miss Gerard so much...

I finally read his journal, and I think it hurt more than it helped. It led me throughout our entire relationship, almost step by step, and I was touched that he had written about me so much. I could hear his voice as I went through it, and even though it made me happy to see how much my love had changed him - saved him even - in the end, I had basically killed him, and I would never forgive myself for that.

A knock sounded on my door, interrupting me from my writing. I was surprised that someone was here to see me, all my friends were busy with one thing or another today, and I hadn't been expecting company.