Scars

Mommy Issues

Once the coffee was drained from my mug, I had to head on to school. I hopped off the counter and rinsed my mug in the sink. Nick had gone into the other room to grab Ren so she could say goodbye. He came back out with her on his hip, held by one arm. The other arm was held out for a hug.

I hadn't ever really hugged Nick or even shook his hand since he had gotten back. Something about this measly hug felt wrong. I hesitated and Nick noticed, but he still held out his arm to me. I then remembered that he was family and that I shouldn't be weird about it. After all, it was a hug. No big deal.

I reluctantly wrapped my smaller arms around his larger waist and hugged him awkwardly. His arm wrapped around my shoulders and squeezed me slightly. He had gotten much taller and larger since the last time I had hugged him. I noticed the new muscles in his arms and felt how solid his chest was beneath his thin cotton shirt. But at the same time, it was too familiar and I had to quickly pull away in fear of a panic attack.

My eyes didn't meet his face as I turned and left the apartment.

Sam waited impatiently in the car, but his face softened as I opened the passenger door and hopped inside. He looked as if he was about to say something and I had a pretty good idea he knew what it was. So I answered his unspoken question for him. "He's okay." Sam sighed as a wave of guilt passed over his face.

"Brin I—I'm really sorry about the other night." He wouldn't look at me.

"It's okay. Nick can take a hit or two; he'll be alright."

"No I know, but I've just been a real... jerk the past week. I've just had a lot going on a—and I don't know what came over me." Nick looked at the stereo clock, which only proved I was late for school.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I was suddenly concerned, but I was glad his mood was reflective of something else instead of just protruding from nowhere. It at least meant he had the ability to get over it all.

"Well, it's just that ever since my mom left me with the kids, the bills have become more and more difficult to pay. They had to shut off our water Monday and I still haven't gone yet to get it turned back on." Sam's face seemed to slowly get sadder and sadder. I could visibly see the glint of tears forming in his eyes. He leaned his head back against the head rest and sighed loudly. "Brin, I don't know how I'll be able to do it. I even resorted to calling my mother for money, but she naturally didn't answer or call back." One tear spilled over then, but he quickly brushed it away. I desperately wanted to climb over to the driver's seat and hold him and tell him everything was okay but I wasn't sure how. "I'm really sorry. You'll be late for school." He took a deep breath as my heart shattered and the car went into gear.

Before long we were speeding towards school. It all made sense now, Sam's emotions lately. I felt awful for him and fiercely fought the urge to cry for him. I hadn't heard much about his parents but from what I've gathered, he has no or inactive father, his mother left him less than a year ago and he has no clue where she is, and that she has failed to keep her children off of the trees. For the past couple months he's been living off of the little money he makes, what other family members can provide him, and anything his mother left behind.

That's when everything made sense. Something clicked from deep within me and I suddenly understood his acceptance of Ren, his protectiveness, his jealousy. It all made utter and complete sense again. But there was one thing I couldn't clearly make out. "Did Nick say something to you to make you angry as well?"

Sam bit his lip and thought about how to answer. "In all honesty, it seemed to me as if Nick was... trying to take you back or something." I had never thought about that before and I surprisingly was startled by it. "I guess I've just gotten a little jealous. I mean, I just can't lose anyone else."

My heart pounded inside of me and I couldn't help but smile a little. "But he didn't say anything to you did he?" I asked after I realized how he had dodged the question. Sam opened his mouth to speak, but he quickly closed it again and glued his eyes to the racing pavement ahead of him. He was dodging the question again, making me fretful with curiosity. "Sam please tell me."

Sam sighed loudly. "I didn't want to bring it up but... no it was stupid."

I groaned. "Just tell me please" I begged.

"Well... he said... he said he... didn't in the least regret, uh... things he has done to you."

I was silent. What? So all the apologies and promises to make amends were all fake? Did he really love Ren too? Or was that a lie as well? My curiosity turned to confusion, confusion to anger, anger to rage.

In that moment, more than anything else, I wished I could have been there to take a swing at Nick's face. Maybe he deserved to experience what it felt like to have the scars he had left me with.