Moving Forward

2. Namjoon

I walked into my hotel room at 4 a.m. The show finished at 11 p.m but drinking and mingling followed. I met a lot of new people, exchanged stories half of which I didn't understand. I smiled constantly, so much that my cheek muscles started to hurt. There were more shows being planned. All good. More shows, more busy-ness, less time to think. This is what I've been doing for the past seven years, just putting one foot in front of the other. Can't see ahead more than a few feet, but it doesn't matter. As long as I'm still moving, still breathing, everything is good. So my therapist tells me.

I took off my jacket and poured myself a drink, the last for tonight - or the first for today. I stood by the glass windows and parted the curtains. At this height I could see the entire city, lit up even at this time. It's true that this city doesn't sleep.

I suddenly felt the tiredness creeping in. After four days of shows, the last being a few hours ago, the adrenaline rush was finally coming down. I needed to crash to bed in a few minutes so that I would look okay for the cameras when I checked out later in the day. I looked around the city and knew there was somewhere I needed to go before daybreak, when there was a greater chance of being spotted. It had to be now.

I picked up the phone. A sleepy voice answered. "Hyung, can you take me to the cemetery... yes, I'm sure." I hung up after convincing my manager that it was alright. I'm okay. I do this every year.

I changed clothes to a gray hoodie and sweatpants, looking like an early jogger. I put a face mask on - it's still acceptable for people to go around in face masks these days - then I headed to the elevator and down to the parking lot where I boarded the darkly-tinted SUV. We drove out of the building and onto the main road.

Whenever I took this road these words just keep coming into my head, "I am the leader of BTS." Depending on the year, these words bring out different feelings in me. Before 2013 I felt a great deal of frustration about it. It seemed like we were beating our bodies to death in practice but we had not yet debuted. After debut came the embarrassment, when nobody knew us and we literally had to stop people on the streets to ask them to watch our shows. This was followed by guilt, when people accused us of selling out by turning into idols instead of being a legitimate hip-hop group. The anguish followed, when the members seemed to be getting tired of all the hard work with nothing to show for it and wanted to break up. But we made it, and how. I can say that we made it to the very top, where no one has gone before, no one in the world. Only us. Only BTS. We couldn't believe it or grasp what it meant because deep down we were still the same boys that came together in Seoul in 2010-11. A major part of our success was because of ARMY who loved us, and who proved it constantly.

If I could pinpoint the highest moments for me as a leader it would be our speech at the UN, mine in 2018 and ours in 2021. I spoke to all of them then the message we had been trying to bring to the world, "Love Yourself, Speak Yourself". It seemed like a pretty message for our ARMY, but was really much more than that. It was about believing in the good in you, the value you bring to everyone you meet, and your potential to change any situation for the better. I felt like, more than just bringing music to the world, we were saving lives.

As a leader I sometimes cowered in front of those words. They were too big for me, but I had to live them out. We all did. And we tried our best to do that. Not many knew that we were battle-scarred up to a degree, that the training and the environment that surrounded the making of an idol could be harsh and could break many, as it did to some who were dearest to us. But we survived and we succeeded beyond everybody's hopes and dreams. It had been a hard road up, but we were finally beginning to feel the wind on our faces.

Then, as sudden as our rise to the top, we came crashing down. Like a meteor, we collided with the ground and burned. And those who were near were destroyed by our fall.

The driver pulled up to the gate of the cemetery and spoke to security. They knew ahead of time that we were coming and we were allowed in. We drove along a beautiful road lined with grand, majestic trees. It would have been breathtaking in the morning, but in this darkness all I could see were shadows. We parked and I walked alone the rest of the way. Among the tombstones were those of prominent people. In the darkness I could make out the figure of a bronze angel with wings outstretched. I made sure that it was placed there.

I stood before the tombstone as RM, leader of BTS, and looked down at the engraved purple heart between the words.

Mary Elizabeth L Stuart
December 24, 2006 - February 12, 2022