Moving Forward

24. Mary

Namjoon made his way on the familiar path to Mary's grave. It was mid morning, not his usual time to visit, but he was tired of the darkness and was longing for the light. He brought flowers in an assortment of colors, purple and pink, sky blue and yellow. When he got to the bronze angel he placed them at her feet, right above the marker.

"Hello, Mary."

He wasn't afraid to talk to her. Oftentimes he poured out his heart to her in the darkness, as he tried to make sense of what happened the first few times he came to visit. And each time the bronze angel would only give him a sad gaze beneath her lowered eyes, as though telling him she knew how he felt and wished she could help. Today he had something very important to tell her, and he wanted to ask her permission.

"Mary, I think I'm beginning to forgive myself."

He had always felt that the stampede was their fault, that maybe they had pushed ARMY down the wrong path, taught them to think more of BTS than themselves. He couldn't shake that realization and it had settled inside him like a heavy truth. He didn't want their ARMY to be like that, and he thought it best that they just stay away so that no more harm would be done. But it had hurt more than they expected, for both sides. It made him realize too that running away was not a solution.

He felt a big difference these past few months that he had been together with the members. They helped him breathe and gave him clarity. He began remembering why they were so loved by ARMY, because they were true to themselves and to each other. They genuinely cared. From the time they started meeting last year, although the things they talked about brought out much anger and pain, he eventually found himself learning to laugh again, to feel something beyond the guilt and regret that had built a home inside him. He felt himself coming back to life, and he wanted to walk around in the sunshine again.

"We're coming back. We're meeting ARMY again. It's been a long time and I don't know if they'll want us but we're willing to try."

They had prepared everything. JKL had rented the stadium and had talked to HYBE about rights to their songs. The support they received from their former company was surprising. Even though this event was free and would generate no income, HYBE had given them full backing by allowing BigHit Music to arrange the livestream for fans worldwide and provide all technical support for the live performance, at no cost. All they needed to do now was show up.

"Is it okay, Mary? Maybe I don't deserve it, but I want this chance to find myself again. There are so many things I want to tell them, if they'll give me a chance."

A summer breeze swept across the grounds and touched his face. He smiled and asked himself if that was a yes.

"I'd like you to be there, Mary, to be a part of our comeback."

"She'd like that, too." A voice spoke from behind him.

Namjoon turned around. A young woman with brown hair and hazel eyes stood before him. She looked like Mary, but older.

"I'm Sara, Mary's sister." She was wearing jeans, a loose white top and a baseball cap, and she carried a small bouquet of blue flowers in her hand.

Namjoon remembered that Mary was with her sister during the concert.

"Seriously, RM, you coming here would be mind-blowing for Mary," she told him honestly. "She loved you a lot." Mary's room had been filled with BTS' and Namjoon's posters, and she had all their albums, DVDs, and plushies.

He didn't know what to say but he smiled as he remembered Mary in their concert. He felt it again, that regret that wished for things to have been different, for Mary to have survived.

"Hey, I was with her that night. If there's anyone who needs to feel guilty, that would be me. I should have protected her, but we were separated and by the time I got to her it was too late. I've learned to accept the fact that some things happen that are beyond our control. My sister had a weak heart, RM. We'd gone to all the doctors and they couldn't do anything. That's why our parents always tried to give her what she wanted, because we didn't know how long we would have her." She looked away, not wanting him to see her crying. "BTS gave her reasons to look beyond all that. Because of you guys, she lived as a normal teenage girl. She connected with her friends as a fellow ARMY, excited for every comeback, every post or video. She took your message to heart and accepted her limitations. Because of you, Mary believed she was enough and she loved herself despite her limits."

"RM, she was so happy that night I was afraid her heart would burst. I don't know if you guys felt it, but there was this magical feeling surrounding us all in that concert. There was so much love. It was the first time she was able to go, and the last. And I know her, I know she felt it was worth it. You don't have to feel bad about Mary. I think she's happy where she is now too. I always come here but I know she's not here. She may be out there traveling around the world. Maybe she's even waiting for your next concert."

They stood a short distance from each other in that cemetery, sharing a common grief. But she was allowing him to heal. In Mary's place, she was telling him it was okay to move on.

Namjoon was trying hard to hold back tears too. In that bright morning, surrounded by flowers, tall trees and green grass, with a gentle breeze blowing away the pain of the years, he felt his chains breaking to pieces and falling to the ground. Yes, he was going to move forward, with Mary in his heart.

He asked Sara if he could tell ARMY about Mary.

"She'd be absolutely delighted, RM." Sara smiled as she wiped her tears. "She's your ARMY."