Moving Forward

5. Hoseok

"TURN ON THREE!!!" I shouted, fuming at this new set of trainees. How did these guys pass the audition? We had been repeating this for the hundredth time today. I was so angry I wanted to throw things across the room and call the label's manager.

Five boys aged 15 to 18 stood shaking before me. We started rehearsal at 5 P.M. It was now close to midnight and we hadn't perfected one song. One song. What was so difficult? I shook my head in frustration and looked at them, they were about to cry.

"That's it for me. If you can't show me a perfect sequence tomorrow, just forget about training and go back home! Don't bother coming back!" I took my things and stormed out of the rehearsal room and into my own office. I collapsed on a swivel chair and buried my face in my hands.

Breathe... breathe in... hold... breathe out... I did this ten times and began to feel calmer. I sat back on the chair and looked up at the high ceiling. What am I doing? Why am I so hard on them? What's wrong with me?

I needed to face the inevitable. I just can't do this anymore. I have to stop pretending that everything's okay. The trainees are bearing the brunt of my anger and it's not fair. I may be traumatising them. I have to stop.

I walked back to the rehearsal room to apologize but the lights had been turned off. They had left. I wondered if they would be back in the morning. I walked into the dark expanse of the room and looked at the world outside. The whole east wall was floor-to-ceiling glass and beyond it was a sleeping world.

I took out my cellphone and pressed Yoongi's number. I'll call him as if we had just parted yesterday, not seven years ago. I needed to talk to the members, even just to hear the voice of one. I waited for the ringing to stop. There was no answer. Did he change his number without telling me? Have I lost another brother?

I sat down on the floor before the windows and hugged my knees close to my chest. Where do I go from here? It was easier when there were seven of us making the decisions, voting on what to do. We shared what we thought about everything we were up against. We were honest to a fault, Yoongi especially, and I wished I could hear his opinion now. To me he was the strongest among us. His silence was scary, and he could dress you down with just a few words, but I felt he was the wisest. When he was in the room I felt safe.

I tried the number again. Still no answer. I wanted to cry but nothing was coming out.

I stood up and paced back and forth across the floor. My breathing was getting quicker and heavier. Am I having a panic attack? A heart attack? My chest was so heavy.

I got out of the room and out of the building. It was a cool, crisp night, winter giving way to spring. I wanted to take a walk but was afraid to be seen. I looked and there seemed to be no one around, then I spotted a figure looking up at the building. The slouch was familiar, even the form. Could it be?

"Yoongi!" I shouted. He turned to my direction and I ran to see if it was really him.

"Hoba?" Yoongi asked, almost unbelieving.

"Yes, it's me." I closed the distance between us and gathered him in a hug. I couldn't help it, the sobs finally came. I felt him hold me so tight. Maybe he understood what was happening to me.

After a while we started walking. He asked me what happened and I told him that I wanted to get out, that I felt suffocated and couldn't breathe inside HYBE anymore. It was not their fault. It was me, I was messed up.

"We're supposed to be messed up," he said calmly. "How can anyone go through that and not be messed up?"

"I don't think I can go back. There's something broken and I don't know how to fix it. I don't want to hurt other people, but the way I am now I can't help it."

We found an empty pocket garden and sat on a stone bench. It was three in the morning. It amazed me that we were talking like old times, as though we never parted ways.

"Maybe it was wrong for us to disband," he said. "Maybe we should have faced it head on, like we've faced so many other things. I think we took the easy way out."

"But how could we keep going under those circumstances?" That seemed impossible.

"I don't know, but I really believe we need to face it. I'm glad I saw you today, Hobi." Yoongi looked at me and I could feel a sense of relief inside him.

"What do we do now?"

"Let's gather everyone together."