Moving Forward

4. Yoongi

I emerged from my studio to get some air. I had been working for sixteen hours straight and had nothing more to give for the day. It was time to stretch my legs, go for a walk, eat and have an iced Americano.

It was dark outside and I had no idea what time it was. I did not have a watch and I left my phone somewhere. It didn't matter really, it wasn't likely that I would get a message I wanted to receive anyway. I hadn't heard from the members in quite some time.

I headed to the place we ate at when we were trainees. The ajumma that used to manage it wasn't there anymore but the food tasted the same as I remembered. It was open 24 hours. We were always starving when we came here back then, and the food brought a lot of comfort, like a second home. Sometimes I wondered if the staff recognised me, but they never asked and I was happy to eat in peace.

I had soondae stew with soju. I finished two bottles by myself and was a little tipsy when I headed back out on the street. There were very few people about. Maybe it was really late already, or very early. I would know when I got home.

I crossed the street to my favorite bench near the railing overlooking the Han River. This was a quiet spot at this time. I sat and stared at the sky and found, to my surprise, that there were no stars. It made my heart ache.

I must have been very drunk because I heard myself singing Mikrokosmos to an invisible audience, talking to the empty sky.

ARMY, didn't you understand what this song meant? I got you... you got me. Where the hell are you? Why are you not shining out here?

I need your light, my light comes from you. Did you not understand?

When did you learn to live without us?

When did we learn to live without you?

Is it over?

Is there no you anymore, no me?

Even the 7 billion stars have disappeared. I can't feel the connection anymore.

I laughed at myself. It's so long ago but I can't get over it. I can be very cold, and I don't know if ARMY knew that they were genuinely capable of warming my heart. I can only speak like this to the air and the darkness. I don't have the courage to let anybody know how much I loved that special bond we had with ARMY, and how much I was hurting. Not now, when everything has fallen apart. I've never been in love before, why do I feel like someone broke my heart?

I felt like writing a song, but I wondered if I would remember it when I woke up tomorrow.

When did we turn our backs away from each other? When did we stop believing in us? Were we fake all along? Were we not real?

Did you just want to be with us when we were having fun? When we couldn't smile anymore, or sing and dance for you anymore, was it so easy to throw us away?

I couldn't believe what I was saying. My drunken rant. Is this really how I feel? All I knew was I wanted to see them again, to hear their voice and see their shining faces. They were like stars lighting up the darkness for us, showing us the way. Now all we have is this empty sky.

I wasn't making any sense, but it's okay. I'm allowed to feel. I'll make sense of it all in the morning. I'll get back to my rational self and forget this lament ever happened.

I stood up and held the bench to steady myself. Now which way is home? I shouldn't have come out alone. I wish I could call someone to pick me up. But, like the empty sky, there's nobody to call. I've lost the connection with those from the past, even those in the present.

I just started walking, I figured I would get home sooner or later. Seoul is ideal for this, the sidewalks are spacious and lined with greenery. But in this spring night, I wished someone was walking beside me.

Some time later I found myself in front of a large imposing building with the letters HYBE at the top. I looked up at my former home and felt no comfort at all. I didn't belong here either. After military service our contract with HYBE was up for renewal. None of us were up to it, we couldn't just pick up where we left off. We didn't renew. BTS officially left the scene.

I understood how much the group meant to me even before this. I never took our moments for granted because I knew it would not be forever. Every success we had gave me a great deal of pressure, but that was the life we lived. I grew because of that pressure, and it helped me be a better rapper, a better producer. I am now so far from where I started, but my achievements can't fill the emptiness I feel everyday. I miss everything. I miss everyone.

I looked up at the empty sky and whispered repeatedly, bogo sipda... bogo sipda... bogo sipda....