Moving Forward

10. In Jimin's Room: Finding Answers

"Why did we back off?" Suga asked out loud.

They had been meeting in Jimin's Room for several weeks now and were trying to search for answers to the hard questions.

"How can we do another concert after that?" Namjoon answered, unbelieving that the question even had to be asked.

"Other artists have had the same experience and were able to move on. They're still around." Suga mentioned the names of other performers who experienced deadly stampedes in their concerts. "We're we not brave enough to get over it?"

Namjoon was staring angrily at Suga, "No, we weren't. Okay, I wasn't! What will I say to ARMY at our opening? Do we just sing and dance like nothing happened?"

"A lot of the joy ARMY feels at our concerts come from our own, Yoongi." Jin explained. "We lost that. There's no way to fake it. In the past when we were having a hard time, we could set our feelings aside until after. This is different."

"I know it's different," Suga answered back. "But Mary was one ARMY. What about the hundreds of thousands left? We abandoned them because of one. Have you seen their posts and vlogs after HYBE announced that we didn't renew our contract? It's heartbreaking. Mary died but the ones still living - and I don't think I'm exaggerating - we put them through a slow death. Weverse was shut down, we abandoned all our social media accounts as BTS. They didn't see or hear from us again. We kept telling them that we loved them, but we left them at the first crisis. Why did we do that?"

"Answer your own question, why did you leave them?" Namjoon challenged him.

"Because we made a decision to stop. Because I believed it was the end." Suga was really trying to search his heart for the truth. This was the purpose of these meetings, to just face the truth of what each one was going through.

"Yoongi, losing one ARMY... it felt like losing everything." Jin said honestly.

"I know that," Suga answered. "It hurt me too, to think that an event we produced could take someone's life. But we're responsible for many other lives, and they were hurting too."

"I wanted to connect with them then but was afraid of what would happen if I posted something," Hobi told them. "We've gotten so big that every move we make ripples across people, businesses, even economies. Any product we use is sold out in the next hour. Everything we post goes viral. I wanted to post so many thoughts but I was afraid it might make things worse."

"It's hard to be human when you've been turned into a commodity," Jin sighed.

"Do you think they're still out there, waiting for BTS?" Taehyung asked. Since he was still in the limelight, he encountered some ARMY once in a while, but they had become distant. He himself had also changed so much since, and he felt that he was no longer the BTS V that ARMY  loved.

"I still have ARMY fans," Jungkook informed them. There were JK stans that had stayed with him when he went solo. "They haven't changed. I think it's us that changed, not them."

"We have to apologize." Hobi said.

"How?" Namjoon stared at the wall behind Suga. All questions seemed to be answered by more questions.

"How did we change, Jungkook?" The oldest asked the youngest.

Jungkook thought for a moment before answering Jin. "We've always monitored ARMY and I didn't drop the habit. After Weverse closed I kept looking at the fansites. There were fans who were very angry, who felt we betrayed them. But there were others too who understood and wanted to give us time to heal. Those who only saw us as perfect got frustrated when they realized we were not."

"If there are ARMY out there who still believe in us, that would be something," Namjoon said.

"Maybe they're there. They may still be waiting." Suga exhaled deeply. If that were the case, was there something for them to wait for? What could the seven of them give now?

"There or not, I agree with Hobi that we need to apologize. What happened did not just happen to us, but to them too - to everyone connected with BTS," Jin told the group. "I think we'll all feel better if we do that, especially ARMY."

"I wish we could gather ARMY together and just talk to them, like we're talking now." Taehyung was lying flat on the floor, looking at the ceiling. He wished he could go back to the time when things were simpler, when he could just have fun with ARMY during a concert. These days with the guys had been good for him. He felt there was hope, even for Jimin.

"It's not as simple now," Hobi said sadly. So many years had passed.

Jungkook looked at him and the others. "Hyungs, you're overthinking things. It's very simple."

They were all gathered on the floor beside Jimin's bed, casually clothed and not made up at all. Jungkook pushed each one closer to each other, pulled his camera out and took a picture with them.

"You want to know if ARMY is still out there? Let's see." Jungkook stood up and moved away from them. He posted their picture in his IG story before they could stop him.