Dark Arrow

Chapter Thirteen

"What do you want Steve?" I walked away from the door, heading towards my bed.

He stood leaning against the door frame, not entirely sure if he should come in or not. "We need to talk."

I rolled my eyes, nothing good ever follows 'we need to talk'.

Even just being around him after our argument was hard. I'd started to bring my wall down for him, thought that maybe he was someone I could let in after all. Then he looked down his nose at me, telling me off like I was a child. I wanted nothing more to do with him. I was done.

"No. We don't." I sat down on my bed, bringing my knees up to my chest. I was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of constantly having to act like I was okay.

Steve pushed off the door frame. "Well I'm going to talk and you are going to listen." His voice was deeper than usual. 'Cap mode' was definitely activated as he walked towards me.

"Oh he's using the Captain voice, I must be in trouble." Sarcasm dripped from my every word as I rolled my eyes. I just wanted him to leave, if I pushed hard enough then hopefully he'd do just that.

"Can you lose the attitude and just listen for once?" He sounded almost fed up as he sat down beside me. "What you said out there about your life not meaning as much. I know how that feels."

His words shocked me, I never expected him to understand how that felt. To feel like no matter what you do, you're just not good enough. There will always be someone better, someone faster, stronger, smarter.
While I had those around me I could count on, it didn't make the loneliness any easier.

"I wasn't always this way," he shook his head shaking away a memory. "The skinny kid from Brooklyn." He seemed almost ashamed of who he was before the serum, yet another thing I didn't expect from him.

"I know," I gave him a small smile. "I went to the museum."

I wasn't sure if he'd heard me or just chosen not to comment on it. His head hanging as he stared at the floor in front of him. "I know what it's like to fight to be seen."

I didn't say anything, for once I had no words for him. I didn't know what to say, being snarky wasn't the right move and that's all I really know when it comes to Steve.

"I know you hate everything I stand for." He shook his head, trying to find the right words without upsetting me. It was true I hated that he saw the world so black and white. Good and evil, that wasn't why I hated him.

I couldn't understand how he couldn't see the truth. why even after all this time he still knew nothing about me. Sure I hadn't made it easy for him, but if he had taken the time to ask just one person about me he'd know the truth.

While I didn't doubt that he had to fight once upon a time, the statement still irritated me. "You still don't get it." I snapped, slightly harsher than I'd intended to.

He placed his hand on my thigh, those baby blue eyes softening the hardened exterior that I showed to everyone. "Then explain it to me, please."

I took a breath, I wouldn't tell him the whole story; but perhaps giving him a snippet into my life wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. "Growing up, we were always on the run. I was smaller, faster and I was an innocent little girl. The one that no one would suspect. My Mom took advantage of that."

He squeezed my thigh gently, in an almost soothing way. "I'm so sorry Rain."

"Don't be," I snapped again. I wasn't trying to be a bitch, just any mention of the woman that raised me had me on edge. "Don't be," I tried to keep my voice softer this time. "It wasn't your fault Steve. I just hate the fact that everyone falls at your feet. I fight every day, to be both seen and heard. You get that respect just by breathing."

He seemed to think about what I'd said, the silence deafening as I waited for him to say something. Anything.

"You don't with me."

I wanted that to make everything okay, to make the hurt I'd been through go away. To feel like I could stop fighting that battle, but the world doesn't work like that.
"That doesn't make it any easier."

"We can't carry on like this." He shook his head again. I got the feeling I was only hearing part of what he wanted to say, but after the way I've acted I was hardly in a position to say anything.

I don't know what came over me, maybe it was that I was fed up of fighting. Or maybe it was the way I was enjoying the comfort he was offering. Either way I handed him something from the box under my bed. "Read this."

He took the file from me, placing it down beside him. "Your SHIELD file? Why?"

There was nothing in there I couldn't tell him myself. I was an open book once I learned to trust someone. Yet him reading it just seemed the easier option for both of us right now. "Perhaps then you'll understand why I am the way I am."

He gripped my chin between his thumb and finger, gently making me look at him. "I don't need to know your past. I want to know who you are now. If you'll let me."

I didn't know why, but his words, the way he was keeping me calm, his touch. Everything was pulling me in, I wanted to press my lips against his, let him see the real me. Yet something was holding me back, something I needed to work on.

"I'll think about it." It was the best I could offer him, at least for now.

He nodded his head, a comfortable silence settling over us.

***

After Steve left I took some time, needing to sort through things in my head. The way I was beginning to feel about Steve was scary. When I just hated him, it was easier. I wasn't sure how I felt about him anymore and that scared me, more than I'd care to admit.

A knock on my door brought me back out of my own head.

"Hey doll, it's Buck. Can I come in?"

"Yeah, it's open Buck." I sat up on the bed, pulling the sheet further up. It wasn't the first time he'd seen me in my pyjamas. He'd shared my bed more times than I could remember, it helped both of us with the night terrors. It had been a while since we'd done it. He had Nat now, and I was so happy for both of them. Even if I did miss the time we had together.

"Steve said he spoke to you." He kicked his boots off, sitting on the bed beside me.
Without even thinking I curled up into his side, resting my head on his chest.

"Yeah he did."

"And there was no shouting?" He teased with a smile on his face.

I playfully hit his chest, both of us laughing. The friendship with Bucky was always so effortless, so easy. It was something I cherished with every part of me.

"He kinda told me to shut up and listen to him." I couldn't help the small laugh that escaped as I remembered the way Steve had  spoken to me.

"I've been telling you that for months." We both fell into yet another fit of laughter. Just being around him was lifting all my anxieties.

"He used the 'Cap' voice." 

"Oh yeah, even I listen to that one."

I settled back on his chest, my mind racing. He stroked his metal arm up and down my spine. The coolness of it helped to calm me down.

"I've spent so long seeing him one way. Now I'm not so sure." I admitted, my voice quiet. I knew he'd hear me with his hearing.

"Spend some time with him, get to know him." Bucky offered, pulling me closer to him. I could feel my eyes drifting shut. It had been so long since I'd slept properly. With him I just felt safe, the same way I noticed that I felt around Steve.

"I think I will." I smiled against him, letting myself relax enough to finally start falling asleep. "Will you stay for a while? I'm tired."

"Of course doll, get some rest. I'll be here when you wake up."