Dark Arrow

Chapter Forty Five

The bright sterile room almost hurt my eyes as I sank into the large leather seat. Bookshelves lined the walls, plants that were meant to soothe only irritated me. I hated everything about this room, and the pain that came to the surface every time I was in it. I curled my feet up underneath me, placing the large cushion on my lap. If I was going to suffer through this, I was going to do it comfortable.

My therapist, Linda sat opposite me. Her brown hair pulled into a tight ponytail, notebook in hand as she waited for me to stop fidgeting. I was sure that when people began to stereotype therapists, they based it on her.

Once she's sure I'm comfortable, she starts. "So last week you mentioned your Mom, I thought we'd start there today."

Right in at the fucking deep end today. Yippee.

I shrugged my shoulders, pulling at a loose thread on the cushion. "Not much to say. She loved my brother and hated me."

"What makes you say that?" She asked.

"Oh that would be because she told me. Daily. Until she was arrested and left us." Even I could hear the anger and resentment in my voice. A wound that had never quite closed.

Linda scribbled something down, not looking at me as she spoke. "That must've caused some sibling rivalry?"

"No." I snapped.

Linda raised her eyebrow in response. I let out a sigh, not enjoying dredging up the past but apparently she wasn't letting this go. My relationship with Clint was the only good memory I had from my time before SHIELD and the Avengers. The only good childhood memory I had.

"Clint protected me as much as he could." My mouth twitched, a hint of a smile appearing as I thought about my brother.

She nods, knowing I wouldn't go into anymore detail unless she pushed.
"If he has shown you nothing but love, why do you feel so undeserving of it?"

This was why sometimes I wanted to put an arrow through her, she could see through the walls I put up a bit too easily. It was as unnerving as it was comforting. I didn't have to pretend with her, it was that outlet that kept me coming back every week.

I tipped my head back, willing the tears that were building to go away. Every time I thought about my Mom it was the same. Tears of anger, regret, sadness, it all rolled into one.

"Because if my own Mother couldn't love me, there must be something wrong with me." I admitted.

Linda put her pen down, clasping her hands in her lap. "And you don't think she was the problem rather than you?" She asked, gently but firmly.

I shrugged. "Maybe."

I wasn't stupid, I knew deep down that my Mom had her troubles, that she was damaged, but you tell a child often enough that she was the worst mistake of her life? Yeah it seeps into your bones, corrupts any rational thoughts you could have. It was a fight I'd been fighting all my life, trying to prove her wrong, trying to make something of myself.

"And your relationship with Captain Rogers, do you not feel that he loves you?"

I knew Steve loved me, at least the parts of me he knew. "He loves a version of me. The one I let him see." The lighter version of me.

"Who is the real unfiltered Rain Barton?"

"She's broken." I admitted, failing to hold back the fat tears as they rolled down my cheeks. "Her mother made sure of that."

Even from beyond the grave that woman was still torturing me. Still proving she had a hold over me. My hand drifted under my shirt, the scar that lingered there feeling red hot against my touch.

"You say you're broken. Why?" Linda probes, seeing me drifting back into the past.

I lifted my shirt, showing her the scar that my fingers were brushing over. I expected a reaction of some sort, yet she gave me nothing, just waited for me to continue.

I pulled my shirt back down. "Did you know a single stab wound is enough to ruin your chances at being a mother?"

"Was that something you always wanted?"

"When it happened? I was still convinced boys had germs." I smiled at that, remembering how Clint wouldn't let me talk to any boys on the odd days we had just me and him. The ones where he'd take me to the park and let me be a normal child, just for a little while. It was one of my happier memories and I clung onto it like it was my lifeline.

"And now?" Linda asked.

"Now? A family of my own? It's something I want and yet something I'll never have."

"How does Captain Rogers feel about this?"

"He doesn't know." I admitted, riddled with guilt. "I don't want to see the disappointment in his eyes."

For the first time since I started, she offers me a warm smile. "I think you'd be surprised."

I shook my head, it was selfish to keep this from him I knew that, but I wasn't ready to give him up yet.

"I can't ask him to give up that dream."

Steve of all people deserved to have a family, one day he'd realise that and then I would let him go. I couldn't ask him to stay with me, I wouldn't have both of us suffer through that pain.

Linda sighed, closing her notebook with a bit of force. "That is not your decision Rain, that is his. You owe it to him for him to have the whole truth. A future built on lies is only set to crumble. If you want him to accept and love you, then you need to let him see all of you. Even the parts you claim are broken."

I thought about what she was telling me. The thought of telling Steve the truth filled me with anxiety, but I knew she was right. It wasn't something I could keep from him for much longer. He deserved more than that. He deserved the complete truth. I needed to stop hanging on to a future I want and deal with the one I had.

***

I called Steve, asked him to book us a hotel, somewhere we could be alone. I had to tell him everything and this needed to be between us and no one else. The walls at Sam's were paper thin, not the kind of place you want to spill your biggest secret.

I played the conversation out over and over again in my head as I manoeuvred through the sea of people. The hustle and bustle was nothing compared to in the middle of New York City, but it was distracting all the same. Easy to get lost in if you needed to.

I turned the corner, seeing the hotel that Steve had booked for us. Of course he went for an upmarket one, always trying to make me feel special. I walked through the revolving doors, the overwhelming scent of roses hitting me in the face as I headed through the lobby. Steve was waiting, leaning against the wall with his baseball cap pulled down. I shook my head with a smile, he really needed to work on his disguises.

"Hey sweetheart." He smiled, placing his lips softly against mine.

I melted against him, letting the weight of what was coming slip temporarily from my shoulders. I wished I could stay right there, in that moment where everything was perfect.

Unfortunately Steve pulled away from the kiss, thrusting us back into reality.

Time to face the music.