us. //dnf

Chapter 1

Hey George,

I'm still missing you.
and i'm still loving you, I don't know how but it is like this. I'm still in love with you, even tho the last time i talked to you was 3 years ago. I tried, i really tried to forget you, to meet new people.. but nothing worked.

I know i never told you, but if i could do it right now, i would. I would tell you how important you are to me and how much i love you.

I don't know why you broke the contact, but it still hurts.. of course i act like everything is fine when I'm with sapnap, but deep down i just wanna be alone and cry.

cry over you, cry and be mad at myself for letting this happen. I don't even know if you miss me, think about me.. or if you ever felt the way i feel.

I wish i could hug you.

"Clay!" my sister drista comes in my room, "can't you knock?" I say a bit annoyed. "you are still writing letters to George?" she asks me, a bit disappointed.

"No, I'm writing them to myself. I can't send them to him, i don't even know if he still lives, where he used to.." i tell her.

"Sorry. what was it? why did you call me?" i ask her, "i just wanted to tell you that the new Spider-Man movie is coming out soon." she says with excitement.

"no way! really?" i say with a smile on my face, "yes!" she screams "we gonna go and see the movie together!" i tell her with a smile.

"of course brother." she says with a big smile and leaves. my smile drops.. who cares that the new Spider-Man movie is coming out? it's always the same happy-end.

The happy-end I'll never get.

Maybe I'm overreacting, I mean it was 3 years ago.. why i am i still thinking about him, why i am i still in love with the same person that i hate.

Of course i hate him, he left me, he fucking left me alone. He broke the contact without saying why, without explaining himself!

It is dramatic what I'm doing, I know that. But what can i do, i tried my best to get him out of my head, but it didn't work.

he stayed in my head.

It's not that i'm never happy, i laugh and do things.. but not as i used to. It's hard for me to get out of bed, brush my teeth, clean something, shower.. all things that are normal.

It's like something is pulling me, the whole time. It won't let me move in, it keeps pushing me back to where i was.

It lets me dream about George, every night. Most of the dreams are just him and i sitting and looking at each other, without saying anything.

there are also dreams like me and him kissing, hugging, living together as we get old together or going on a date.

But, of course there are dreams like, me finding him, but dead.. I find him and then someone stabs him or he falls, all kind of stuff.

or where he has a lover, where he gets married and i get old alone, where i sit in my room and watch George with her or him.

I just wish i could be free, i wish i could move on and find someone to love, to love more than George.

I don't think that's possible, to love the next one more than George, but i wish.. that's my wish.

alright, it's my second wish. My first wish is to get to George and to love him, to let me love him, to let him love me.