Let Go (GXG, MD/LG) A Vanilla Introduction to Submission

9. Let's Talk About This

Kristen's POV

"What is your biggest fear when it comes to your vanilla relationships?" Nicole asks. The two are sitting on her kitchen island, eating chocolate ice cream out of the tubs. They had been talking for hours, some things kind of serious, some things not. Kristen felt open to Nicole, so emotionally open after the mind blowing orgasm. A feeling where Kristen got to lose herself in her own body.

"Having to lose something that I need." Kristen thinks, her voice is quiet, her mouth full of cold ice cream goodness. She chuckles a little, shocked at her own honestly. "There are so many things I want in a relationship; excitement, passion, I wanna be swept off my feet. I'm always told that isn't reality. That you have to follow the rules of a relationship meaning that you lose the spark and you end up with a routine. I found myself in a relationship once where more and more I started feeling like I was losing everything I wanted. I didn't feel wanted or needed, my partner didn't find me sexy anymore, my self esteem started to tank, and even though she was kinda perfect. She wasn't perfect."

Nicole is quiet beside her nodding her head and eating her ice cream. Nicole was so attentive, her eyes were always on her. She was an active listener, she made Kristen feel seen. It had been so long since someone she just met treated her with such respect.

Kristen always felt like respect was something she had to earn from everyone around her, it never started with respect. Maybe a little kindness, but never more than that. You had to earn friendship, earn respect, earn kindness, but with Nicole, she happily gave it to her.

"What was it you weren't receiving from her?" Nicole asks

Kristen can feel herself wanting to change the subject but she doesn't let the fear stop her, she never really talked about this before and maybe it was time it was. "She always... more times than not, pushed me away. I would kiss her or try to touch her and she would push me aside. Politely tell me to stop, move my hands away from her. I couldn't... make her want me. I stopped trusting her with my body and then my mind. I started to resent her and eventually... I couldn't even look at her without thinking about all the things I wanted that she would never give me. I started to not feel pretty anymore, I would wonder what I needed to do to be sexier, and then when I tried she still shut me down. I've always been a sexual person, since I was really young. Her denying me... I don't think she ever realized it but it was the most hurtful thing she ever did."

"I'm really sorry you had to experience that." Nicole says quietly

"At first it was nice, not being sexuailzed all the time, but then when I actually wanted to be sexual when I needed that connection... I couldn't receive it. I didn't know what to do. It broke my heart. I wondered if I was... broken, why did I need sexual validation? When in almost every other way she was perfect? Eventually it felt like I went through the five stages of grief. I just kind accepted the relationship for what it was because that was better than putting myself out there just to get rejected. You know?"

Nicole shakes her head. "She was never perfect Kristen, that was just the thing that made you see the rest of her flaws. No romantic partner, friend, or role model is perfect. You are not broken, you are not a deviant for wanting to have sex with your girlfriend. That's a very normal thing to want, Sweetheart."

"You know... I lost my virginity on my first date with a girl, I started having sex before we were even girlfriends. It was always a part of my relationships." Kristen gives a little chuckle and looks away from Nicole; Her lips and turning down in the frown. "Then suddenly it wasn't, and I... I couldn't handle it. I needed it." Kristen can feel her embarrassment shading her cheeks a shade of red, she hopes the lightning is dim enough in this kitchen that Nicole doesn't notice it.