Promised myself I'd go for a run,
But I keep coming up with excuses,
And here is one...
(XD how was my poem)
It's funny how people are so manipulative.
No, I didn't want to move. I wanted to stay with Luke, Ashton, Michael, and Calum.
Yet, look at this...
"What the hell is in here?" Michael groaned, stumbling into the house with a big box in his arms.
I shrugged, taking my bed spread out of a box and fixing it onto the couch...Who knew my room at the old house came with a freaking bed!
"Why wouldn't you just bring your mattress?" Luke asked, walking circles in and out of the kitchen.
I have no clue as to what he is doing.
"I dunno," I shrugged. Realistically, my answer should've been; Ashton's psychotic girlfriend wouldn't let me.
Luke shrugged, walking out of the apartment. I assumed he was grabbing some more boxes. Calum was fixing the TV that Michael had dropped on our way out of their house.
"Are you guys excited to have Jasmine and Casey move into your house?" I asked, finally satisfied with my couch.
"Rather have you there, but I guess you wanted to be alone-which we totally understand!" Michael explained, adding in the end a bit too fast.
No, I don't want to be alone. I can't be alone, it's not easy for me to be alone because of all the temptations and the little voices in the back of my head telling me to do things that I wish I wouldn't.
Casey somehow knew all this, she had a plan and she hated me and I'm not sure why.
I was happy that guys stayed to help, not that Ashton came over or anything. He didn't even help us load up the car or hug me or anything. Casey was at "work"; I don't actually believe that she has a job though.
We finished working and Calum and Michael went home so they could sleep and eat, well Luke offered to bring me to pick up some food from the grocery store so I didn't have to go out all the time just to eat.
"Stop grabbing healthy stuff," Luke groaned, throwing a container of lettuce back onto the shelf.
"Hey! I like salad," I whined, reaching over to grab it again. Luke rolled his eyes, but still let me. I wanted to be healthy so I could maybe look less fat to people. Well, to Casey.
Luke dragged me out of the isle filled with healthy choices and brought me into junk food central, where, truthfully, I wanted everything.
He grabbed chips, fruit snacks, soda, popcorn, candy, etc and just piled it into the cart.
"What the hell! Would you like me to gain a hundred pounds?" I gasped.
"I was going for fifty, but if you want a hundred I say go for it."
I rolled my eyes and made him get out of the isle. We grabbed a few more things before checking out.
"You don't have to help me carry these into the house," I laughed.
"Maybe I want to." Luke winked, grabbing the bags out of my hand so now I was empty handed. "I can't believe you're all the way across town," He groaned while I fidgeted to unlock the door. "It's like we just got you back and you're moving, but if it makes you happy I guess I should be happy too."
This. Does. Not. Make. Me Happy!
"Sorry," I mumbled, walking into the house and beginning to take out the groceries that belonged in the fridge or freezer. The rest could stay in the bag for all I care.
We quickly unpacked the bags and I then walked Luke to the front door. He pulled me in for a really long hug that managed to linger on after he let go and I was surprised I didn't break down when he turned and walked away.
Yeah, I'm eighteen and should be capable of being alone, but I'm not and I won't be. I've felt alone. I could be in a crowded room full of people and still feel alone, but now I'm completely and realistically alone.
I bit down hard on my lip, telling myself I wouldn't cry. I walked into the bathroom that I'd put together first thing this morning.
It took me only seconds to strip out of my clothes and step into the shower. I stepped out of the shower feeling a bit better until my eyes fell on the razor that was set in a bin with other extra shampoos and stuff.
My stomach turned, but I couldn't help it. I needed the blade now more than ever. Shakily, I let myself reach forward and snatch the small plastic razor. A tear slipped my eye as I broke the plastic support which held the blade in place.
It took five stinging lines across my stomach before I felt somewhat okay. It's sad, that hurting myself can make me feel so good, so alive. Its indescribable and I never thought I'd let myself get into a place where I relied on a blade to keep me in place, but here I am.
There was a lot of crying as I got dressed and felt the stinging with every move. Every time the material of my shirt swept against the fresh cuts I groaned a bit.
I didn't have any where else for them, honestly. Summer is coming right around the corner and I can't wear long sleeves all the time. Plus, my wrists were healing okay, the scars were fading.
I laid down on the couch and stared at the ceiling for a bit, then I moved, them I moved again and again until finally it was too bright outside for me to even bother to get some sleep.
I kinda want to write another 5sos fan fiction, but I'm not sure I know what I want it to be about...
Hit me up with some ideas if you want!
