Miss Not Perfectly Fine

Confessing

I am really tired. Is it still only 8pm? Yes. Do I feel like I'm gonna pass out? Yes. But I needed to talk to Taylor. She's not one to forget or let go of things like this. I might as well just get it over with before it becomes too late to hide anything.

I walk over to our room and hear the water running from the bathroom. Taylor must be taking a shower. I climb into bed and sit on my side. I plug my phone in and scroll through TikTok while I wait for Taylor to come out. Not gonna lie, I'm super nervous. I don't know what to say. I don't know how she'll react. I don't know how she wants to go about with this.

After about 25 minutes, Taylor came out in her pjs while drying her hair with a towel. "Oh hey Sky, I didn't know you were up here. Are you gonna take a shower tonight?" She asked me.

"No, I think I'll just take it tomorrow. I'm really tired right now. Can we talk now so I can get it over with and go to sleep and forget about it?" I asked while yawning.

"Yeah of course. Let me just go put the towel in the washing machine real quick." I nodded and she walked out. She came back soon and closed the door behind her. She made her way over to our bed and sat next to me. "So, when did you see it?" She dove right in.

"The day it was tweeted. But like not right after it was tweeted. It was like that night." I answered her but I kept my head down the entire time.

"How did the tweet make you feel?" Taylor is literally a therapist. I swear non therapists never ask these questions. Every time I talk to her about super serious things, therapist Taylor comes out. It's so annoying but I do secretly appreciate it.

"Um, not good? I don't know, I don't remember." I said. And this wasn't really a lie. I can't remember how I felt in the moment for some reason.

"I'm sorry you had to see it. I don't know why people say things like this. It's so fucking dumb." Therapist Taylor is now sister Taylor. "They don't have the right to reflect their insecurities on you. That's just unfair to you and such a wrong thing to do. Where did everyone's common sense go, my god." Taylor turns to look at me. "Be honest with me here. How are you really feeling?" I stayed silent. I didn't want to cry and rant again. Taylor always manages to break down the wall that I built but I always build it back up again. The wall is pretty high right now and I'm not about to let her break it again. I hate opening up about my feelings. "Sky, I know you hate being vulnerable and letting people in. I know it's hard. But I want to help you. And I can't do that if you don't tell me. I love you and I care about you. And I'm not saying this just because, I promise. Let me help you. Let me in, Sky." She wrapped her arms around me. One of her tactics. Telling me she wants to help me and hugging me because she knows it'll make me cry and spill everything. I hate to admit it but it's working again. I try to blink the tears away but fail to do so. "Come on, rant to me. I'm here to listen." I could feel her eyes on me. I reluctantly open my mouth but don't know where to start.

"I- I just," I stutter. "I just don't know anymore. I know you tell me to never believe anything they say but it's so hard to do that when thousands of people agree with it. And you know they're telling the truth because they're strangers and won't care about how you feel. You and my friends are supposed to say it's not true because you guys know me personally. They don't. They're free to say whatever truth they wanna say, whether it's brutal or not. I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate my personality. I hate that I can never be as great as you are. I hate that I am me. I hate that I disappoint and embarrass everyone. I just wanna crawl under a rock and stay there forever. Away from everyone." I finish my rant. By then I'm bawling. I am kinda proud of myself for not spilling the more concerning parts of my feelings and what I'm doing to myself. That will forever be my secret. Taylor pulled me closer to her and rubbed my arms up and down to try and get me to calm down and stop crying. I feel so safe when she's hugging me. It's like I have a blanket around me that'll shield me from all evils of this world.

I cry some more in Taylor's arms. I fucking hate it. I hate my life and I don't even want to be here anymore. But I didn't tell her that because I didn't wanna make her sad.

When I finally stopped crying, Taylor spoke up. "I'm so proud of you for telling me all that. I know it was really hard for you." She rubbed my back. "Skylar I need you to know that we're not telling you they're wrong because we have to but because we know it's wrong. I know it's hard to believe when there are so many people on the internet saying otherwise but we know you. We've seen you. You are so beautiful and I 100% mean it." She pauses for a second before she continues. "You're not a disappointment or an embarrassment to anyone. I'm so proud to call you my sister and I know our friends are proud to call you their friend. You bring light to so many people's lives with your bright personality and your amazing sense of humor. I know you don't believe a single word I'm saying right now but I hope that someday, soon, you'll realize that it's all true."

I stayed silent but leaned into Taylor more. She squeezed me tighter and rubbed my arms. I wanted to believe everything she said. I wish I could just tell myself that she was right and that I was just overthinking. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Right now, my brain is telling me that she has to tell me that because she's my sister. She has to tell me that because she knows that I'm not feeling good right now. Which probably isn't true but I can't help but think that.

"I'm sorry Taylor," I finally spoke up after a long but comfortable silence.

"Sorry? For what?" She asked. I felt her shifting and looking at me. I didn't look up at her though.

"I don't know, I'm just sorry. For a lot of things. I know your life would be much easier if you didn't have to deal with me and all this bullshit." I said without really thinking about it beforehand. Which was a mistake because I regretted it as soon as I said it.

"Skylar, look at me," Taylor said firmly and moved her hand under my chin. She then tilted my head up so I was looking at her straight in the eyes. "Never be sorry for anything like this. None of this makes my life hard and none of this is something I do because I have to. I want to help you and I want to be there for you. All this bullshit isn't your fault and it will never be your fault. I'm sorry you're feeling that way, Sky. I wish I could take away all the pain you're feeling and replace it with something a lot happier. I love you and please remember that I have never and never will feel like these things make my life harder." Oh shit. Here comes the tears again. I fucking hate being vulnerable. And I hate the night. I'm always so open at night, it sucks. I buried my head in Taylor's chest and sobbed.

For the rest of the night, that's what I did. Just sat there in our bed and cried. Neither of us said anything. My sobs filled the quiet room. Taylor stroked my hair and occasionally whispered comforting things in my ear. I think I ended up crying for at least a good hour. Taylor never once moved or complained about it. She just stayed there and let me cry my eyes out. Eventually, I fell asleep in her arms. It was warm and I felt safe. I wish I could feel like this forever.