Miss Not Perfectly Fine

Swift City, Eraszona

The warm ray of sunshine hits my skin as a group of us walk into the State Farm Stadium. It's the opening night of the Eras Tour which means we've been spending some time in Arizona. Swift City, Eraszona, they call it. It's very clever. I like it.

Taylor and her team has been rehearsing for months now. I've sat in rehearsals so I already know what's going to happen. But every time, it entertains me and wows me. It never gets old.

This morning started off with us waking up at 5AM to get ready. I only take 20 minutes to get ready so I'm not sure why Taylor woke me up so early. She took much longer than me as usual.

Once she finished getting ready, we grab our purses and head out the door to meet up with everyone else. We're all going to breakfast together. Yes, at 6:30 in the morning. I told them that nowhere's open this early but apparently, there's a place. Mom, dad, and Austin are all here. They're staying in a different room than us though.

"Good morning girls," Dad walks over to give us our usual morning hugs. So does mom and Austin.

"Good morning," I tiredly say. I really just want to go back to bed.

"Why do you sound so tired?" Austin laughs.

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you all decided to drag me out of bed at FIVE in the morning?" I say sarcastically.

"We have a busy schedule today," Tree walks up behind me. I give her a hug as I roll my eyes.

When Taylor's dancers, band, and singers all show up, we walk out of the hotel. Apparently, we're walking to the restaurant. This early in the morning. At least I get some exercise in, right?

Since I moved to New York with Taylor, it's been pretty rough. Most of the times it's fun but as soon as meal time comes around, I hate living in New York so much. She makes me eat three meals a day and she sits there and watches me until I finish the amount we decide on. I almost always end up crying and she has to feed me all the time. It fucking sucks.

But one thing about us disordered people is that we are great at keeping secrets and hiding things. Me being me, I obviously figured out a way to still lose weight. Maybe not as fast but it's still working. I've been walking a lot more than I used to. I've also gotten very good at hiding food when Taylor looks away for a split second. I'd hide the food in places like my pockets or in my sleeves, and dispose of it when I get back to my room. It's a true talent if you ask me. It's so hard.

Over the past few weeks, I've really gotten attached to self harm. It's awful, I know. I know it's wrong. But it feels so damn good. I can't stop. I unfortunately can't make too many cuts because summer is coming up. It would be suspicious if I all of a sudden stopped wearing skirts and shorts. I do get a couple of cuts in everyday now. It's gotten really bad. I don't really care though.

"I think this is the place," Mom points to a small restaurant on the side of the road. Paul, Taylor's guitarist, opens the door for us.

"Good morning!" I hear a bubbly voice. "We have a very big group, don't we?" The lady laughs.

"Oh wow," Another lady comes out. "I don't think we've ever had a group this big come here. Grab a seat wherever you want, we'll be with you in a second." She gestures to the tables. When we go out to eat, we almost always sit in the same groups. Band members sit at one table, then the vocalists, then half of the dancers, the other half, Taylor's management team, and then my family. Sometimes, depending on how the tables are set up or who we're having conversations with in the moment, we change it up. It's really fun. I end up sitting at the same table as Taylor every time though. That never changes.

The food here comes out very fast. Our foods came out not even 30 minutes after we ordered. That's really quick for a group with this many people. I got a strawberry yogurt parfait so mine was probably very easy to make but other people got foods that take longer to prepare like omelets and eggs benedict.