Miss Not Perfectly Fine

They Just Dropped Me Off

"Do you think I have everything?" I asked Taylor for the millionth time this morning, frantically walking from bag to bag to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything.

"Sky, you need to sit down and take a breath," Taylor came over to me and put her hand on my shoulder to stop me from moving around every second.

"I feel like I'm forgetting something though," I stopped pacing around but continued to scan the whole living room.

"You're literally gonna be in walking distance from here. If you forget anything, I'll come by and drop it off." Taylor reminded me once again. She's been telling me this for a few days now but I refuse to let myself forget anything. "Why don't you go and get dressed?" She patted my back to try and get me to do anything other than walking around the living room in a state of panic while staring at my packed bags.

"Fine," I gave in and started walking to my room. I had to leave in half an hour in order to make it in time for my assigned move-in time.

I rummaged through my closet to find something that isn't too hard to move around in but still looks nice and gives off a good impression. I also needed to make sure the clothes covered how fat I've gotten.

I vowed to get back into my old habits and lose the weight that I've gained back but I have been failing miserably at doing that. I know I need to lose weight, but it's like I can't stop eating anymore. I always start the day off great but end up binging and instantly regretting. Even when I'm full, I can't stop. I know I should but my body has a mind of its own. Before I know it, I'm finishing a bag of pretzels and a protein bar and a chocolate chip cookie.

Taylor seems so happy to see me eating again. To her, it isn't a binge episode that she's seeing; it's me accepting that food is good for me and willingly eating the foods that I used to love. But to me, it's stress eating and losing self control. It's this big cycle that I can't seem to get out of; I don't eat anything for the first half of the day, and then I eat lunch to suppress my binge urges, and then I start craving more food, but I resist for a few hours because I shouldn't be eating when I'm not even hungry, but my feelings win eventually and I eat more, which then leads me to eat a shit ton in one setting because I've already eaten way over my limit and it's no use cutting back anymore. I feel so guilty afterwards and tell myself I wouldn't do it tomorrow but the same thing happens the next day. I used to be so good at this. I could go days without eating. I had self control and discipline. Now? I can't control myself and I just keep getting fatter and fatter. I have gained exactly 20 pounds since the beginning of summer and I am sick of it. I'm sick of seeing myself looking like this and knowing that it could've been prevented if I hadn't let my feelings win.

I didn't realize that I had been staring in the mirror for quite a bit, dissecting and criticizing every inch of my body, until Taylor came in to ask how I was doing. I quickly diverted my eyes from the mirror and pretended to be looking for clothes.

She looked through my rack of clothes for less than a minute before grabbing a skirt and a top.

"How about this?" She held the two up against me and we both turned our heads to look in the full body mirror. "Yeah that's cute." She nodded to confirm her suggestion.

"Okay I'll wear this," I took the two pieces of clothing from Taylor and shooed her out so I could change.

Both the skirt and the shirt fit tighter on me compared to before, and I felt self conscious all over again. I used to have to use a safety pin on the waistband to make it stay up but now, I could barely pull the zipper up. The sleeves of my shirt used to be too big for my arms but now, there's barely any space left because my arm has filled up the sleeves. I was fat again and there was no denying it anymore. I needed to do something about this before I completely return to my original weight.