Miss Not Perfectly Fine

Caught

The one month sleepover with the girls ended with a week long vacation to Hawaii. We flew here the night of Taylor's Minnesota show and we're going back on the morning of her Ohio show. I wish we could've been on vacation together longer but everyone has such busy jobs.

We spent the first few days just walking around and going on a shopping spree. We've also watched so many movies together and gone swimming in the hotel pool. Well, they swam and I sat on the side, taking pictures and videos of them. I told them I didn't feel too good that night.

Today and tomorrow are our beach days. I've been trying to find ways to get out of having to go to the beach but we're in Hawaii. There really isn't a way out. I tried coming up with excuses to not wear my bathing suit but I've had no luck.

I would've stuck with the 'I don't feel good'  excuse but that would mean that I'd have to stay in bed all day and I really didn't want to do that. Not only was I missing out on so many things, I'd also be burdening everyone else with the task of checking in on me. I felt bad doing that.

I can't tell them that I'm on my period because they know I haven't had it since I stopped eating. They'd see right through my lie and ask me why I was trying to get out of going to the beach so much.

Another thought I had was to wear normal clothes and tell them I didn't feel comfortable wearing a bathing suit but we all bought matching ones. Again, I don't want to make them feel anything other than joy; they might feel badly if I refuse to match with them.

So basically, my only option is to wear my bathing suit and completely expose my newly made scars. Unfortunately, it's easy to tell that they're new. The freshest scar was from two nights ago. They have yet to find out about my hidden blades and my self harm habit that I haven't been able to break out of. I don't plan on letting them find out.

Just then, it occurred to me that they already know about my past scars. I could use this to my advantage. I decided to cover my scars with a gauze and put makeup over the gauze to make it blend in with my skin. If they ask, I'll tell them that I wanted to cover up my scars — the one they already saw — because I didn't want it in the picture. They surely wouldn't question that. I felt like a mathematician who solved the hardest equation to ever exist. I was suddenly very excited about going to the beach.

I got up from my bed and went into the bathroom. I contemplated locking the door but I didn't want to have a talk with Taylor again. I haven't been allowed to close the door fully or lock the door ever since they found out about everything. They're worried that I would do something to myself and they're not wrong to be completely honest.

"I'm gonna be in the bathroom getting ready!" I let Gigi and Olivia know so they won't walk in on me trying to cover up my scars.

"Okay!" I heard Gigi say.

I quickly took off my sweatpants and placed a gauze over my left thigh. I had to do this fast so they wouldn't get suspicious of me for being in here for too long. Once I made sure every single cut was covered by gauze, I used surgical tape to secure it in place. I then grabbed my makeup that I never use and started to put it on the gauze. I underestimated the amount of time this would take. I didn't realize how hard it would be to make it the same color as my skin. I tried blending it the best I could but it looked so unnatural. You could tell that there is obviously something underneath the makeup.

It took me a little over 10 minutes to finish covering my left leg. Even then, it still looked a little too dark for my skin. It was better than when I first started doing it but it would still look out of place in pictures. I decided to come back to it after covering up my right leg.

"Sorry Sky I just need to grab- Holy shit." Gracie walked into the bathroom all of a sudden. I slammed down the gauze I was holding. It hurt like hell but I couldn't let her see. I masked my shock with a smile on my face and tried to pretend like nothing was happening.