𝐅𝐈𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍: 𝐦𝐢𝐲𝐚 𝐨𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐮

(xix) reality

tw. mentions of abortion, miscarriage, suicidal thoughts

"y/n?", shinsuke's voice from the other side of the door sounded so distant, you barely made it out.

he knocked on the door but you couldn't muster up the energy to respond. you couldn't lift yourself off the godforsaken floor.

you barely remembered what reality you were living in.

but then it dawned upon you. a reality where osamu miya betrayed you. a reality where osamu miya never loved you.

you breathed hard and felt your eyes prick again. you were aching all over.

and you just wanted it all to... just wanted it all to...

"y/n? y/n- hey, hey no-", you're not sure whether you heard kita when he stormed into the room but you definitely did feel him when he lifted you off the floor in his arms.

"oh my god", you heard him whisper, "oh my god, oh my god"

you remember hazily opening your eyes to find patches of dark red in the spot where you had passed out but you weren't sure how big they were because your eyes were brimming with tears again.

you oscillated in and out of consciousness as you heard your bodyguard talk worriedly on the phone and then get you into the backseat of a car that would take you to a hospital.

you were a wreck.

for the few moments that you did stay awake, your body was shaking from sobs. one of your hands was clapped over your mouth, trying to be quiet while the other was desperately clutching your lower abdomen because of the sudden, sharp pain searing through it.

you were crying about a lot of things. but most of all, about the fact that it was all a lie. osamu never loved you. both of you had always kept your secrets from each other but you had never lied about your feelings for him.

your upper body was resting in shinsuke's lap. he stroked your hair and whispered that you were going to be okay. his voice was trembling from seeing you in such a state but you barely noticed.

the only thing you remember telling him was "don't call anyone" and "nobody can know" but you weren't sure how much of it was coherent.

nobody could know that y/n sakusa, who had an IQ on par with historical geniuses, lost all of her logical reasoning by falling in love. by wilfully handing over her trust to the wrong person.

as your eyes closed again, you felt like some part of you had died before you even got to the hospital.

-•-•-•-

you awoke from another period of unconsciousness to the smell of rubbing alcohol. the nurse in front of you called in the doctor, who then informed you what had happened.

you'd had a miscarriage.

the woman that told you was kind and sympathetic and you pulled yourself together just enough to return her words with the cordial manner of speaking that had been drilled into your head.

she said that miscarriages were unfortunately very common and that you would recover physically with no risk of complications. since you were only three weeks pregnant when it happened, you would only have heavy bleeding for a couple of days and could be discharged for now with a prescription for pain medication.

you would admit that some part of you, some rational, stone cold part of you felt relieved by the fact that nothing tied you to the man that had ruined you anymore. that you did not get the chance to back out of your decision to get an abortion.