Illicit Affair (Published With Etluxocpub)

15 - Goodbye

Leaving the metro was one of the hardest decision I made in my entire adult life. Leaving the metro means leaving all of the most important part of my life. Leaving the metro means giving up on my lifelong dream. The event that leads to my final decision stills lingers in my mind, it actually occupy my whole being for sometime now. In as much I want to live my life peacefully, memories of him comes all the time. Noelle had occupied my being for the longest time and here I am learning how to undo loving him. I have to learn to live without thinking about him, without making him as the priority, without making him the center of my existence.

I got used to working according to the plans I made for him. It was always him, it was always for him, it was always about him. And now here I am beaten, at the end of my hook. The only thing that makes me hold on is the the thought of my supportive friends. The thought of that I might even have the chance to be with him again in the near future. That's how pathetic I am, I still hope, I still dream of something that wont happen but that's how I am just because I love him so much.

I cant help but remember how I felt when I let go the house I built for us. I remove all the sign that I live there but I took some of the things I prepared for him. I still made a room for him here in my new house. I still keep it the way I know he want his room to be. The entire house smells like him, this smells never fails to soothe me all through out the years and I have no plans of changing it for now.

That day after the event I went back to the house hoping that Noelle haven't opened my letter yet. I packed up my belongings, taking every single things that belongs to me. Some of it I asked the caretaker to keep for me. I also remind them to keep the house clean as always and told them that the new owner might come soon. I gave them my new number and instructed to call me in case of emergency. I also gave them Noelle's recent photos.

With heavy heart I let go of the last thing that I have prepared for Noelle's return since I deposited in Noelle's the diamond engagement ring which the receipt is included in the letter. I bid the caretaker goodbye and left the place willing myself not to cry.

Saying goodbye is never easy, saying goodbye is hard.

"So, this is goodbye, I guess." I murmured to myself.

"no, this is just see you later. I have waited for you patiently before to comeback to me, maybe this time I can wait for a lifetime more when time finally favors us. I'll let myself believe that we'd have our chance someday - that at the end, it will always be us no matter what it take for how long it will take for destiny to allow us."

As I drive thru the express way my sight sometimes becomes blurry with tears. I need to hurry to reach the airport on time. I called up Connor to picked up my car from the airport and bring it to his farm. I kept the car, so I have something to use as mode of transportation when I am at the metro. I heave a deep and sigh. I'm going to miss the hustle and bustle of the metro. I'm going to miss working and striving so hard.

But also this is me willing myself to give up on you just like the other things that wasn't meant to be. i know it will be hard and will take time but eventually all things shall pass. I would able to accept that it wasnt meant to be to start with and soon I'll be on my way to be at peace.

I boarded the plane and take one more look outside the airplane window, bidding goodbye to the place who witness my rise and down fall. The place where I learn to love and where my heart was broken into pieces. I can't help but shed few tears as I know I will miss Noelle greatly. I know life won't be the same again but then I have to live.

then again, its just see you later. when we are both matured enough to know what is right or worng, what happened to us we were not matured enough to understand. when we dont have hangs up anymore we wil understand that time never gave us its favor . that at the end this is not a goodbye.

I'll see you soon.

When I arrive in my house, my aunt notice how sad I am, she invited me to join the fun with my cousins. Without me telling them it seems that they know my problem.

"¿Tu tiene problema de amor?" one of my cousins said.

I just nod at them. I understand them but I cant speak Chavacano fluently. Atleast even this way I can unload to them the burden in my heart.

"¿Esta aqui para lamber las eridas de tu corazon?" they all laugh with their ridiculous assumption.

"No nothing of that sort. Yes I am heartbroken but I'm fine." I told them. But my aunt just smirked at me.

"Bien imbustero de bata. Igual gayod con el nana ta escapa na problema." What my aunt said hit a nerve. We left my mom's hometown because she had a fall out with my dad and now I am back because I am heartbroken.

"I'm not lying. I'm telling the truth. We are not even in a relationship. I just waited for him for five years to comeback but he already has boyfriend with him when he comeback." Everybody turned silent with my revelation. I forgot that they don't know my preference.

"Perdona kumigo primo pero itu esta desconsolado por causa de un chico?" my cousin asked me with disbelief. I cant blame them for questioning me. I have been straight for most of my life they have known me and I only go attracted with one person and that person happens to be a man.

"I never had any relationship with another person and I fell for him since I was fifteen" I told them.

"Dio mio este bata. Porque nuay kumigo abla mas temprano?" My aunt was so sad for me. "Promete kumigo na nuay tu kosa ase malo na di tuyo bida. Pabor bibi para na di tuyo kwerpo."

I know what she meant, my mom died at young age because of of too much sadness in her life. After she left my father she become so sad that she got sick and eventually died in misery.

"I swear I haven't think of something like that. Lets not talk so much about me. Lets just drink and be merry." I said to them.

We stayed late thru the night as we drink some more beer. Some of my cousin kept on teasing me but I just laugh with them. They mean well even when they are teasing me, that's the way I know they cope. A brutal way to accept reality by banging your brains with the reality.

Connor keeps calling me to update on how I am doing. Even Miss E and Shirley calls just to ask me if I eat or sleep at all. In as much I don't want them to worry about me I just told them what they want to hear. I even send them picture of my house and my beloved scooter. It feels like I am doing a daily blog for this concerned people and I just go long with it all. I know they mean well when they do this to me.

I went to work pretty early as I was anticipating a deluge of traffic as it expected but still I arrive at work with an hour to spare. So I roam around the town for while and passed by a bakery to buy their famous cheese bread.

I called Connor just to update him that I am doing fine.

"Hey dude. Today is my first day of work." I loudly told him, I know he is still in bed that's why called at this hour to tease him. "Wake up!" and I laugh so hard with his grunts and loud yawn as reply.

"Good morning to you asshole," he finally croak his reply. It is clear from his voice that he is tired from whatever activity that he had the previous night which I don't want to hear from him.

"ok dude, you are now awake, so goodbye." I end my call and went back to my work place.

I have been saying goodbye this past few days.

Goodbye seems to flow freely from lips.

The bitter fangs of tropical heat bit me early in the morning .

******when i started this chapter and think it will be short and just to fill the gap for the next chapter and I got carried away.

*****mother tongue of Zander's hometown is Chavacano - favor of translation from a friend. Chavacano is a mix of mix philippines local dialect plus mash up spanish.