Maybe One Day

Chapter 40

tw: suicide

Shaui's Pov

I woke up with tears dripping down my cheeks. I looked around and I realized that I was in a hospital bed. No one was here. I had a dextrose on my left hand and my head hurts.

I remember every-single-thing. And I didn't know that it hurts to remember all of it. I never expect that my best friend before was Zhanel, the girl that Amber loved.

I cried and was about to call mom when I remember that she was already dead. Kuya and her died.

I looked at my phone and it was already December 31, 11:37 pm.

I hate this.

I was mad at everyone. For not being here with me, for not knowing anything about me, for not comforting me and every fucking thing.

I knew it wasn't their fault that they didn't know. But i need them so much right now.

But I was also mad at Amber and Zhanel. They made me miserable. Amber.. all i felt about him right now was hatred. I couldn't even feel the love anymore. All I knew was I hated him.

Ngayon pa na walang-wala ako saka wala dito ang mga kaibigan ko.

Galit ako sa mundo, galit ako sa sarili ko. Kasi nagpakatanga ako. Kung hindi dahil sa katangahan ko ay malalaman ko agad.

I was fuming mad at everyone for hurting me and leaving me when I was at my lowest.

I decided to go visit my mom and kuya. The nurse assisted me. I wasn't crying anymore. Wala ng lumalabas na luha sa mata ko. Ubos na ubos na.. Pati ako ubos na ubos na! Sobra na!

"Mom... kuya.." I looked at them and they looked so peaceful. I knew they were in a safe place now, especially kuya. He was fine now, they were both fine now.

I realized that I lost my family at my birthday. I lost my family at the most special day of my life. It hurts and it made me feel that I couldn't celebrate my birthday anymore because it remind me of this!

"Ang bilis naman.. 'Di ba ang saya-saya pa natin nung p-pasko?" nanginginig ang labi ko. "Niregaluhan mo pa ako ng sasakyan kuya.. A-alam mo ba na dream ko na magkaroon non?" tumingin ako sa taas at kinagat ang labi.

"S-simula nung lumipat ako ng bahay, walang araw na hindi ko kayo naisip. M-miss ko na kayo. Mom, paano ako nito? K-kuya? 'Di ba sabi niyo nung nawala si daddy na walang iwanan? A-asan na yung... yung p-pinangako natin?"

Tinanggal ko ang telang nakataklob sa kanila.

"Bakit ang bilis naman? Hindi ko naman napaghandaan 'to e! Bakit ngayon pa, mom?! Kuya?! Ubos na ubos na 'ko.. W-wala ng natitira sa akin. Hindi ko na kaya.."

"Ang dami-daming masasamang tao diyan. B-bakit kayo pa? Kayo na lang ang mayroon ako.."

Pinabalik na ako ng nurse sa kwarto ko. I refused to eat what the nurse gave me. Sabi rin ng nurse na inaasikaso ni manang at kuya Eddie ang mga papel kaya wala sila dito ngayon.

I've decided.

Inayos ko ang mga gamit ko pati ang kumot. I went out of my room. Sinamantala ko na walang nagbabantay na nurse sa paligid bago ako umalis. May guard sa entrance kay doon ako sa exit dumaan. Luckily, wala masyadong nurse.

Nang makalabas ako, marami na ang nagpuputukan. New year na, and it was raining.

This is perfect.

Naglakad-lakad ako. Wala ng dextrose sa kamay ko pero naka hospital gown pa rin ako. Hindi ko inalintana ang mga bumubusinang sasakyan at mga maiingay na paputok sa paligid.

Pagod na pagod na ako. Alam kong sasabihin ng iba na pagsubok lang ito. Pero hindi ako ganoon katatag para bigyan ng ganitong klase ng pagsubok. Mahina ako.

Pinagtitinginan ako ng mga batang may hawak na paputok. Marami ring makukulay na ilaw sa labas ng mga bahay.

"Ate, okay ka lang?" tanong ng mga bata pero nilampasan ko sila.

Hindi pa, pero magiging okay na..

Nang lumampas ako sa mga kabahayan ay tumigil ako sa isang tulay. Tago ito at wala masyadong sasakyan na dumadaan. Tumingin ako sa paligid at siniguradong walang tao.

I grew up being selfless. Mas inuuna ko ang kapakanan ng iba bago ang aking sarili. And I think ngayon, ako naman ang iintindihin ko.

And this is the perfect time to be selfish.

I know what I'll do will be a very selfish decision but I made up my mind. My friends will get hurt but I'm tired of being the selfless Shaui. Shaui was very selfless. And her, being selfless, caused her so much pain. I'm tired. I wanna rest already.

My friends, my family, and god will hate me for this. But I don't care anymore. Pagod na pagod na ako. Hirap na hirap na ako. Mas makakabuti kung tatapusin ko na lang lahat.

Tumingin ako sa taas. There is a firework. I smiled. Buo na ang desisyon ko, wala ng makakapigil sa akin.

"Tang ina niyong lahat! Pagod na pagod na ako!" sigaw ko. At kung sa mga movies, pagkatapos sumigaw ng bidang babae bago magpakamatay ay dadating ang kaniyang prince charming, in my case, there's none.

Walang pumipigil sa akin..

I have no prince charming because I was born to be alone. I don't believe in fairy tails anymore. I don't believe in true love. I don't believe in forever..

Ipinikit ko ang nga mata ko bago tumalon. Dinama ko ang malamig na hangin at ang buhos ng ulan.

This is weirdly peaceful.

To my family, I'm so sorry. Pero magkakasama na po tayo. Buong pamilya.. At hindi na ako makapaghintay.

To my friends, I'm sorry. Alam kong maiintindihan niyo ako. Pagod na pagod na ako. Hirap na hirap na.. I love you all so much.

And to Amber.. I hate you.. with all my heart.

New year, new beginning? No, this is the end. It is finished.

This is the end of our story. I won't call this a love story. Let's say.. this is just a story, a story of us.. Nothing more. I never had the chance to have a happy ending in this lifetime.. but maybe one day, I'll have my own.

:))