LIVING & GRIEVING

02. back to school

The day after mums' funeral, I sent Olivia and Hannah home to their own families, insisting I didn't need them to stay with me anymore. It was nice having them around, I just felt like I needed to be on my own to properly grieve. They didn't crowd me as much when granny died. I think they knew I needed time on my own. But it had been two whole months since mum, and one since granny. And I was still avoiding their calls. None of us had been out besides when dad went to pick up Chinese for dinner, and even that was only down the street. None of us had the effort to cook anything. I don't even think we knew how. That was always mums' thing. She looked after us.

Now, Mrs Hale was doing her best to look after us, while allowing us breathing space too. She would leave groceries on our doorstep and sometimes cooked us the loveliest dinners. She had even been contacting the school on my behalf and I knew soon enough she would be forcing Quinn to dig out his revision notes from last year. It made me love her even more, knowing she was doing so much for us while also grieving in her own right. She'd never make us feel like a burden.

I knew I needed to start going to school again. But I was dreading that first day back. I knew I would be the subject of everyone's conversations in the common room and people wouldn't be afraid to stare. I was too nice to say anything to anyone. I also knew that Sean had been going round telling everyone I dumped him at mum's funeral when we were never even officially together. I didn't want to admit it, but I knew the longer I tried to hide from everyone, the worse it would be going back. I had to get back on my feet.

Today was that day. It was 10am and I'd already missed first period, but I finally half felt like I could go in. I needed to take advantage of that. Besides, sitting in the house was getting depressing. When I was in my room alone, all I could do was think. And that was dangerous. Occasionally, I'd watch out my window and see Quinn. He seemed to always be coming and going. Leaving my house for the first time, coincidentally he was making his way out too.

I never knew whether to speak to him or not. Olivia was always going on at me, saying I'm so lucky I get to live beside the Quinn Hale, and she didn't understand how I didn't love him. He was gorgeous. But his unbearable cocky personality made me hate him. If he had just been nice to me from the start, like he was to everyone else, I too would've swooned over him. I can admit I would've fell at his feet. But he wasn't nice to me. He was the complete opposite and we'd never had a conversation that didn't end in an argument. Mums' funeral was the only day he was civil to me, and we didn't even speak.

He turned hearing my door close and gave me a slight head nod, before slipping into his car. A nice and polite neighbour would see I'm about to walk to school and offer me a lift. He drove off faster than you could even have that thought. Proving my point. Luckily, I was expecting to walk anyway, and it was only a five minute journey.

Approaching the school gates, I realised I wasn't ready to do this on my own. I took out my phone and text the group chat, "meet me at the office in five minutes". It would be break time and easy enough for them to slip out. The teachers had been great with all of us and had even been okay with them missing classes to make sure I was alright.

"Oh my God, you came in! We're so proud of you!" the girls rushed towards me.

"Okay, okay, let's not make it a big deal. I had to come back at some point."

"But still Ivy, some people wouldn't come back at all," Hannah frowned.

I knew she was right, and I had seen people drop out of school for less reason. But when life came at me, I was always the type that buried my head in books and became obsessed with learning new things to take my mind elsewhere. I was always an overachiever in school. It was how I coped with things. It would be nice to try and get back to that.