LIVING & GRIEVING

33. summer

"Olivia, literally just take a look outside, there is no summer. It's cancelled," James pointed to my living room window, which you could barely see out of due to the torrential rain.

"Summer is a mindset!" She pleaded.

"I think she's officially gone crazy," Harry looked at me, as if she wasn't there to hear him.

"I actually think she's right."

"You do?" she perked up, clearly happy to have someone on her side. She had been trying all day to convince us to go out and do something fun, despite the bad weather. But she wasn't having much luck. Hannah was the only one who agreed. And now me.

"Yeah, why not?" I shrugged. Truthfully, it had been the worst summer ever. Which of course I expected after losing mum. But I didn't think it would just be plain boring.

"Oh God, my girlfriends gone crazy too."

Yeah, I was Harry Jones' girlfriend now, apparently. He never really asked me to be. He'd just presumed, and I found out through Quinn who heard him telling people in the changing rooms.

I barely seen Quinn all summer. Which was probably for the best. But I couldn't help but feel like summer would be better if he was here with us. If Rebecca had never come knocking on his door that day. If I had just stayed in bed instead of going to get that stupid gift for him, the one that still sat under my bed.

I think he knew I didn't love Harry. I think everyone but Harry knew that. Which made me a horrible person. And he wasn't bad at all. He was fine actually. But I didn't want fine. I wanted Quinn. I just couldn't have him. I never let him tell me the whole story about Rebecca. I think part of me knew we'd be over for good if I heard the whole story. I couldn't do it to myself. I had to move on from him regardless, and Harry was the way to do that.

"I'm not crazy, I'm just bored."

"We've been bored all summer," Mark agreed.

"So, what are we going to do about it?" Olivia had stood up now, pulling Hannah up beside her. It took me a second before I stood too. And then Cliodhan.

"What the fuck are we doing?" she started us all laughing. "We're all standing here just staring at each other now." So, we all dropped back down again.

"I literally can't take this anymore," Olivia sighed dramatically.

"Dear God," James closed his eyes and out his hands together, "please turn this weather around so that my girlfriend will stop com-"

He didn't get to finish his sentence before she threw her hand over his mouth, "I've got it!" she squealed.

"Got what?"

"Let's build a fort! Right here! Like when we were kids!"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Sean joined in, "a fort?"

I didn't even know how to reply. We all stared at her like she just suggested we kill our entire neighbourhood. She wanted to build a fort. In my living room. In the middle of summer. But I had given up at this point.

"I'll get the blankets."

"YES!" she squealed.

So, we built a fort in my living room that night. We stayed up for hours and talked. And when we woke up, the sun was out, and we knew summer wouldn't be so bad after all.

Mark was first to make his way outside and we all silently followed, coming to a halt in the middle of the grass.

"It really is Summer," he let out a breath.

"You're only now realising?" Hannah teased.

"It hasn't felt like it for weeks."

"I know."

"This could be our last Summer together," Sean said, almost just to himself. Truthfully, I had been worried about him this summer. He didn't seem the same and I wasn't sure if it was just because our friendship had changed or if there was something else going on.

"There is no last summer for us Sean," I nudged him, smiling, "we'll all always come back to each other. No matter where anyone goes for uni. This is home. All of us standing here, together."

And just like something out of a movie: the sprinkler came on. We ran out where it couldn't reach us, turning to catch James red handed.

"I couldn't listen to that conversation anymore," he laughed, running into the water, and throwing his top off, "stop being dramatic Sean. This friend group is end game." Olivia wasted no time in following.

Sean broke character and a smile formed upon his lips. He looked like he was going to run in and join James, but not before he pushed Hannah under too.

"I'm going to kill you!" she squealed at him as he ran after her, laughing.

"Ready?" I looked towards Mark and Cliodhan.

"Ready." They agreed.

All of us were soaked now. But we couldn't have been happier. I thought about how much mum would have loved this. To see us grow up, still as close as ever and running around the garden laughing at the silliest thing.

But I didn't think about Harry. And how he had stayed on sleeping this morning while the rest of us got up. I didn't think about how he was missing out on the fun. Because I didn't need him there. Not in the way I needed my friends. I didn't want to say it, but I maybe didn't want him there either.

My version of the perfect summer - as perfect as summer could get without mum, was running around in the garden with these six people: Hannah, Olivia, Cliodhan, Mark, James, and Sean. This friend group was the end game.

I wished Quinn would be too, as I looked up and saw him watching us from his bedroom window, which overlooked our back garden. The only time I ever felt close to the way I felt for my friends, was when Quinn looked at me with that smile.

The smile he was shooting at me as Harry emerged from the back door. I didn't fail to miss the look of disappointment on his face. And I was sure he didn't miss the sheer happiness on mine that wasn't there when he was around.