LIVING & GRIEVING

32. lorna's last session

Since school was coming to an end, I was having my last session with Lorna, which I was far from pleased about. I felt like we didn't have enough time together. I could still barely get through a session without crying. But as usual, we rated my mood in the same categories. Today, Lorna would turn my scores into a graph so we could take a look at my progress.

Friends had gone from a 6 up to an 8 in the past couple sessions. While I still hadn't talked to them about my grief, they had been a great distraction when I needed them to be. They had pretty much all helped me in one way or another with the garden, and someone was always free to hang out with if I was feeling lonely. They were a family to me. Cliodhan was a great addition to the group too, despite our awkwardness over Quinn. She made it clear that she was there for me to speak to if I ever wanted to.

Family started off at a 5 and then changed to a 4 and then went back to a 5. I loved my family. It just wasn't the same anymore. We didn't feel like a family. They were both barely home, and when they were, we didn't speak much. We stayed in our own parts of the house and barely even seen each other. But they were trying their best. We all were. It felt wrong to say I felt bad about them. I was lucky to have them.

All I could wish for was dad to be okay. It was hard to tell how he was dealing with everything. He still wouldn't go into the bedroom they shared together. But he gets up and goes to work every day. That's progress. I haven't seen him cry since he took mums ashes home. But I have a feeling that's because he wouldn't let me see him upset.

School changed from a 7 to an 8 once I got some help in English from Quinn. I expected him to be smart, but he surpassed my expectations. I wrote some practice essay questions for Mrs. Brannan with the notes he gave me and not one of them came back lower than a C. For context, a few weeks prior my lovely teacher had called me into her store and told me not to get discouraged about getting an E on the homework because my work was actually good, given my circumstances. I actually had a chance of passing the official exam.

That led us onto relationships, which was Lorna's favourite. She laughed more and more every week as she watched my rating go slowly up. From starting at 0 and ending at 5. I still had conflicting feelings about relationships. I had very specific things I wanted from a boy now. I didn't want to be with anyone my mum wouldn't have loved. And while it wasn't out of the question, I think I'd also find it hard to be with someone who didn't know her or at least know me when she died. This is too big of a part in my life for a significant other not to have seen.

Although I was contradicting myself because I'd been seeing Harry. And I know mum wouldn't have loved him because she'd be able to tell within seconds that I didn't. Lorna was confused when I admitted my new sort of relationship. I could tell she knew my heart wasn't in it too.

Based on the rest of my score, I felt like they led to my overall mood rating being about a 7. Which was hard for me to admit. I missed my mum so much. I still went home every day hoping she would be there waiting for me. And crying into my pillow, knowing she never would be again. But I was doing my best. Which was a lot better than anyone could ask of me. Lorna added these ratings up every week, creating an overall score at the end of each session. Today, she marked all of these on a graph and put a line through them, to show me my progress. The line was going up, very slightly, but it was going up.

"How do you feel looking at that? You've made progress Ivy. Your mum would be very proud."

"I feel okay, I know I'm doing well given the circumstances. But I still don't feel like myself. I still feel bad that I'm even doing better."

"You might never be your old self again. Pain changes people. But there's absolutely nothing wrong with the Ivy sat in front of me. The one with the pain," she smiled. "I think you need to remember what your friend said, you're going to keep living."