LIVING & GRIEVING

28. letter to the sky

"Why have you scored relationships back down to a one again?" Lorna looked at me, quizzically.

"I thought I liked Quinn, but I was wrong."

"Wrong?"

"He had a girlfriend."

"Oh no, I'm really sorry to hear that, Ivy. I know you felt connected to your mum through him."

"I should never have let myself get attached to him like that. Even if it was just for a short amount of time. It's not a big deal."

"Still, Ivy, it can't be easy to lose someone like that."

"It is when he was never mine to lose."

"I can sense you don't want to talk about it. How are you feeling about your mum's birthday coming up?"

"I'm not sure. Part of me doesn't even want to think about it, but the other part feels like it's just any other day. I don't think the occasions are any worse than the average day for me. Because I miss her every day. I think about her all the time."

"I know you do, I thought of something that might help you get all that emotion out. Do you trust me?"

"I don't trust anyone," I tried to joke but it earned me a disappointed look. I guess you aren't meant to joke with your counsellor.

"I want you to write a letter to your mum."

"I don't know what I would say to her. I'm not good with words."

"You don't have to be. No one else is going to read it. It's just for you."

"I can try," I sighed as she passed me a hardback book with a dark green cover on it.

"I'll leave you alone to do it. You can keep the book too, just in case you end up liking it," she smiled with a nod, before excusing herself out of the room.

I was alone with my thoughts, so I wrote.

Mum,

I feel silly writing this. It's sad that I even have to. You should be here for me to talk to. I am so angry that you're not. I'm angry at how your life ended. I carry that anger around with me every day. You deserved so much better. Better than any of us.

I get angry at myself too, for the way I spoke to you sometimes. I wish I had of shown you more support. But it was hard. I didn't know how to cope with the thought of losing you. I didn't want to face the reality of what was happening. I should of asked you how you wanted me to be. What you needed from us.

I know you said some things that you didn't mean too. I know that wasn't you talking. Cancer stole every last part of the real you before it took you from us for good. I'm sorry I never told you I forgive you. I'm working really hard to forget those things.

I miss you more every day. I feel like I lose you more and more as the clock goes by. I'm even starting to forget your voice. You were sick for what felt like so long I've forgotten what it was like to just see you walk around. I wish I had more to remember you by. If I had known losing you would be like this, I would've cherished every moment.

I have done so much without you. You have missed so many milestones in my life. I would do anything to have you here again, even just for one day. Sometimes when I think about you, the one person in the world I know would understand is granny: but she's not here either. I miss her too. I feel like I don't get to grieve granny because I carry your loss so heavy. I hate saying that. She meant the world to me. And you meant the world to her, that's why she couldn't live without you.

I'm trying my best to look after dad and Connor for you. They are shocking round the house. I feel like I'm playing your role and it's made me realise just how much you did for us. We never showed you how much we appreciated that. I'm sorry. I want you to know that we'll all be okay. We're going to keep fighting, like how you did for us.

I miss talking to you about the silly stuff. Olivia and James are finally together. Hannah is interested in a real-life boy for the first time in forever. You would be laughing at how me and Quinn have turned out. There is so much I want to tell you.

I thought writing this might actually help, but it doesn't. I don't think anything ever will. How am I meant to live the rest of my life, without you?

- V.