LIVING & GRIEVING

20. on the roads

I picked up the phone and called my dad almost immediately after the examiner told me I had passed. He didn't even know it was my driving test today. I didn't want to tell anyone in case that was bad luck. Olivia had told everyone when her first one was, and it ended up taking her four attempts.

I was one of the last ones to pass in our year, despite being one of the oldest. Mainly because I had to pay for all my lessons myself. I had got a small part time job not long before mum passed away. I'm not there very often and I don't talk about it much because I feel awkward there. After working there for only a couple weeks and having to tell my new boss my mum died, everyone had the same first impression of me. Just a motherless daughter.

So, I used to small amount of money to pay for my lessons and I had a car already which I'd bought with the money mum and granny had left me. This made the whole thing bittersweet. The car was nice. Very nice you could say. A red 2016 mini cooper with barely any miles on it from a local dealership. But I'd walk for the rest of my life for even just one more day with my family complete.

"That's great Ivy, can't believe you've passed after last night."

Dad had taken me out driving the night before and it didn't go too well. He ended up shouting at me and telling me I wouldn't pass my test if I drove like that, unbeknownst to him I'd be taking it the next morning.

"Thanks dad, I couldn't stop laughing when you said that last night. You didn't know though."

"You're good at keeping secrets." I think I inherited that.

"Yeah, anyway, I'm going to go and pick the girls up from school, I think. Will be funny when they walk out, and I can toot the horn at them."

"Good idea. Really good job, means I can drive your wee car too."

Dad had always drove, all my life. He always had fairly ugly cars too. But when mum couldn't walk any longer, and he was off work to look after her, we were entitled to a brand-new car for free. To make transportation easier for her. Obviously once she passed, we were no longer entitled to it and had to give it back. Things had spiralled so fast that he had already sold his old car, not thinking we would ever be in this position weeks later.

"Yes, you can, I've got you on the insurance and everything already anyway. See you later on."

I had obviously missed school that day and my excuse to the girls was I had a doctor's appointment. They were definitely suspicious, but they still didn't expect to see me waiting outside school for them.

"You're shitting me!" Hannah exclaimed, "I suspected your test was today but when you hadn't said anything else about it, I expected the worst!"

"You thought I'd fail?" I laughed.

"Only for being too confident!"

Hannah was a nervous driver, she passed on her second attempt but still rarely drove anywhere. She panicked too much. Often when she panicked, Olivia or even myself, would have to swap places with her and start the car again.

"Oh my God, finally!" Olivia joined in, "you can be designated driver!"

I laughed, "wouldn't trust either of you to not be sick in my lovely car! Now, get in."

"I call shotgun!" Hannah squealed, "I think I deserve It for all the nights on the air mattress."

Nobody could argue with that, so we set off through the school gates and headed to Starbucks. Nobody could bring down the mood, they were truly so excited for me.

My driving instructor David was over the moon too. He had taken my cousin for lessons while both mum and granny passed, so he knew all about my family. Which made for a very awkward conversation during one lesson. Or a few. He liked to bring up how 'strong' he thought I was for being so young. Still, it was nice to know how much he wanted me to succeed.

After driving around for a while, listening to our collaborative playlist, and singing our hearts out, I left both the girls off home. Although I loved spending time with my friends, sometimes it was nice to come home and just let my thoughts float around.

Any occasion, even the happy ones, always had a hint of sadness for me. I often thought it would always be like that. Getting your first car might seem like an insignificant memory to some. A memory that mightn't matter whether your parents were there or not. But my mum would have loved going out driving with me. I would've loved taking her. I thought about all the places we'd have been able to go.

Not realising I had been sitting parked in the driveway for longer than intended, letting my mind take over, I jumped when I heard a knock at the window.

"How long have you been sitting here?" It was Quinn. I looked down at my dashboard and make a rough estimate.

"Probably only fifteen minutes or so, had the music on."

"Didn't mean to scare you when I wrapped the window."

"It's fine. I needed broken out of my trance anyway," I smiled lightly as I started getting out of the car.

"You passed today?"

"Yeah, just this morning. Picked the girls up from school and we went a drive."

"You three aren't apart for long. Well done on passing."

"Thanks Quinn, finally get to move the car that's been sat in my driveway for months."

"It's a great car. Your mum would have loved it," he said in a low voice. I shivered at the mention of her, trying to change the subject.

"He's called Marvin."

"Your cars a boy?"

"Yeah, why not. Marvin the mini. It works."

"Suppose it does," he laughed. "You feel confident driving?"

"Yeah, probably because dads been taking me out in this car, so I got comfortable in it already."

"Maybe I'll get a journey in it someday."

"Maybe."