LIVING & GRIEVING

35. nothing compares

I woke up the next day to three missed calls from Harry. Along with a text that read so, you were with Quinn last night? Shit. I hadn't invited my own boyfriend to a deeply personal family event. The same event I took all my friends too. And the one that Quinn received a personal invite from my Aunt Claire to.

I didn't know what I was going to tell him. I didn't know he was going to be there. But I should have, really. Why wouldn't he be there? He was like family to my mum. I knew that, Claire knew that. Of course, she'd have invited him. But Harry didn't understand that. He'd given me constant grief over the summer for it.

He was always asking me to come to all his family events and eventually I started making up excuses not to go. We hadn't been together very long. I didn't understand why I was being paraded around his family like we were about to get married. I didn't expect him to notice the excuses, but he did. So, I had told him the truth.

'It's hard for me being in those situations. I like your family but it's a constant reminder I don't have one like that anymore.'

'I don't get it Ivy. Your brother and dad are great.'

'It's not the same Harry, I feel like I'm growing up on my own. My house hasn't been a family in a long time. It's hard for me to act like one with anyone else.'

Truthfully, I didn't feel that way with his family when I first met them. It wasn't until his mum had a few drinks at their garden party and started telling her friends how my mum passed away not long ago. She then proceeded to tell them how she was like a mother figure to me. She wasn't. And she won't be. Of course, I couldn't tell her that. So, when she told me privately at the end of the night she hoped she didn't overstep and she really feels like a mother to me. I agreed. Because I had to be polite. But it only caused an argument when I'd brought it up to Harry after.

'It was just uncomfortable, Harry. I know she was drinking but my mum's cancer was very private. She was telling all her friends while I sat there.'

'She really likes you Ivy, she feels like a mum towards you, that's all.'

'But I have a mum.'

The conversation would end amicably as I'd give in and agree she had the best intentions at heart. Then he'd watch my face light up as Angela called round to visit or Martin had a pint with my dad in the garden. The Hale's were already family to me, and Harry hated that.

'You like her so much more than my mum, Ivy. Its obvious.'

'I do not, Harry. It's just that I've known her a very long time. They are family.'

'So, you don't mind them being family to you? Is Quinn like your family?'

'What has any of this got to do with Quinn?'

And that cycle would repeat itself at least every few days. Harry stopped asking me round to family functions. His mum eventually stopped texting.

Deciding I didn't want to deal with the conversation today, I went out for a walk instead. We were lucky enough to live on the same street as the castle gardens in our town. It was my favourite place to walk Charlie. So, I clipped his lead on and made my way out, not caring that I woke him up from his sleep. He was a lazy dog, but he never minded going out for a walk. We hadn't even made it halfway around the castle gardens before I noticed a tall blonde boy in a Gaelic top running in our direction.

"Ivy!" Sean slowed down to a halt, kneeling down to pet Charlie.

"Fancy seeing you here, Sean," I laughed because almost every time I came here, I managed to catch Sean out for a run.

"Thought I'd take up running, heard this place was good for it."

"Want to walk with us? Or do you need to finish your run?"

"I can walk. I'd actually rather walk, I'm beat."

"I'm not surprised, you were running at some speed. I didn't think you'd be able to stop in time to meet us."

"I'll have to run faster than that if I'm going to make the uni team."

"You're really worried about uni, aren't you?"

"Yeah, well, you know what my dad's like. He'll freak out if I don't make the team, never mind if I don't get into uni at all."

"You'll get in, Sean. But are you doing it for yourself or is it all for him?"

"I don't think I want to answer that question," he smiled softly, showing me exactly what the answer was without having to say it.

"Sean-"

"I know, V. I know."

I didn't know what to say. I'd been so wrapped up in my own grief that I forgot how horrible Sean's relationship was with his dad, how hard he was on him. I remember the first time he didn't start in a match and his dad stood up in front of everyone and left. Sean ended up making it on ten minutes later and scoring the winning point. His dad didn't even stick around to see. I had a feeling it went deeper than just Gaelic too.

"What about you, what's got you worried?"

"Oh, I'm not worried."

"We've been friends since we were four. I know when you're worried."

"It's just Harry," I gave in.

"You don't love him," he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world, "you like him, but you don't love him."

"Is it that obvious?"

"To me, it is. I think he knows it, too."

"How did you know?"

"Because he's not Quinn."

"I don't-"

"Ivy. I know you."

"Okay, fine. I still have a little something for Quinn."

"No, Ivy. You've always had something for Quinn. Even when me and you were together. I noticed how you always fixated on him everywhere he went, even though you said it was because you hated him."

"I thought I did hate him. Why did you never say anything?"

"I don't know. I think it was because I didn't realise how he felt. I didn't know him like I know you. I thought he was genuinely pestering you just because he felt like it. But I knew the second you showed up to James' party with him that he felt the same way as you. I knew that was my last night with you."

"I'm sorry, Sean."

"Don't be, he's good for you Ivy."

"I can't go there again."

"And that's okay. But you can't be with Harry, either."

Sean was right, and I knew what I had to do. So, instead of going home, I walked straight to Harry's house, forgetting I still had Charlie with me. My dog was about to witness my first official break up.

"Ivy," he greeted me with a knowing look on his face, "this is it, isn't it?"

"I think so, Harry. I'm really sorry."

"It's okay, I expected it."

"How did you know?"

"I saw your Auntie tagged you in a post from last night," he stepped out of the house and sat down on his doorstep where I joined him, "I didn't think anything of it until I swiped to the last photo. Quinn was watching the fireworks, while you were watching him, huge grin on your face. Like he was the very person that created them and put them in the sky, just for you. You never looked at me like that."

"I tried to."

"You didn't, Ivy. And that's okay."

"I did Harry, I swear."

"Even if you did, it doesn't matter. Nothing will compare, no one, will compare to him for you. No matter what he does to you."

"You think I'm dumb for liking him, don't you?"

"Yeah, Ivy. I'd think you're dumb for liking him. But I don't mind it because you love him."