You again

20

Chapter 20

" I will respect your wishes, let Luna finish her school year in Cape Town. I will take Harry because I know he won't last a week without me again"
I said with a crack in my voice. I didn't move, I just stood there trying to process everything he had just said to me.
" I will sign, I just want you to know that I didn't cheat on you. That's important to me, I want you to know that I love you and I didn't think we would ever get to this place but we did and I take full responsibility. I love you, I respect you. I could have done so much differently and I am not making excuses but that happened and I can't change what transpired, I can only apologize for my part"
I went straight to bed and God did I cry! Because I spent most of that time with Khaya speaking about Andrew, I spend most of the time speaking about Andrew because he is the love of my life and because I have told everyone else but him that, we are now getting a divorce.

The door creaking made me stop crying, I just pulled the blankets while sniffing and if I am being honest, sobbing silently. He opened the blankets got in then his hand landed my waist and he pulled me close to him. Kissed my shoulder like he does every night. I just cried even more because this felt weird. This isn't us.
Andrew" we always find a way back to each other's arms. I just think it's your turn now to decide what is best for you, what you really want without any pressure from anyone. I am doing this for you. I love you enough to let you go"

#

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first" Jim Morrison

PE with my son has been strange, I don't want to lie. The first month was absolutely strange. Harry adjusted because Luna wasn't around so he was just having the time of his life, my dad called me every night and I assured him that I am fine. I wasn't but had to be fine.
Sima" So I taking Harry tonight, we want to practice our parenting skills "
Me" Haha that scares me"
Sima" It shouldn't, your son can survive us"
Me" Hahaha Sima!"
Sima" Khasapha wethu, read a book or something but you have an entire day to yourself"
" Don't call him!!!"
Me" I won't, promise I stopped humiliating myself like that"
Sima" How's Luna?"
Me" Okay, she told me about him always being home and he fetches her on time from aftercare. I guess I am also glad to hear he hasn't moved on"
Sima" Did you sign the papers?"
Me" Andrew never sent me divorce papers"
" And I am choosing to not ask him or getting a lawyer to send him papers"
Sima" And job wise?"
Me" I am looking but I have enough money in my account and he sent me the usual 15k this month so don't even know how long that will last before he stops but I have savings"
Sima" Well then go get your hair done and take yourself out for lunch"
" Masambe Harry"
My son came out of his room running
Me" I'll call you baby"
Harry" I love you"
Me" I love you too baby"

#

I didn't do anything but watch murder mystery documentaries and eat a whole lot of junk food. My phone rang, meaning I have a guest at the gate. I just opened the gate then went straight back to watching tv. The door opened and I shouted;
" What did you idiots forget?"
I paused the show and I was shocked to see my estranged husband standing in my house and also shocked that he knew ndiphi, because Andrew has never been to this house. He only knows my other house but then again I am dumb because he knows everything.
Me" Hi"
I looked like a hobo
Andrew" I had a meeting with a new client and thought I could surprise Harry"
Me" He's already with Sima, they are practicing being parents. She is pregnant"!
Andrew" I will go over there and see him, same house?"
I nodded
" Luna is with your parents, your father practically forced me to drop her off there"
Me" Hahaha he did mention it"
Andrew" I have to go"
Me" Stay"
Andrew" I can't, I don't think it will be a good idea"
Me" Then send me the divorce papers because I am just here waiting for you to send them. Like I am just waiting and I am confused"
Andrew" We have been married for almost 4 years now, and a lot has happened. I did however send your papers. That pile of mail over there is probably one of the divorce papers"
Me" I didn't know"
" I will go through the mail"
Andrew" Okay"
Me" Are you seeing someone?"
" No, don't answer that"
Andrew" I am not seeing anyone"
" I didn't ask for a divorce because I stopped loving you Or because I wanted to cheat"
Me" I find it strange that you are so angry about Khaya yet when you and I first got married and you were fucking Luna's Au Pair"
Andrew" Because you were crying over your fucken ex every night!"
Me" I was pregnant"
Andrew" Your pregnancy was complicated because even you were not sure who was the father!"
Me" You are the only man who has touched me in these last few years. I am sad that you don't believe me"
Andrew" I believe you"
Me" Then why are we doing this?"
Andrew" I am always going above and beyond to create safe spaces for you. I give without hesitation and I love you but I also want the same reassurance"
" I love fearlessly and I want to be loved the way I love. I am worth it, and because I know my worth I don't know how to settle for temporary pleasure or love. So please don't bother me, unless you are planning on loving me the way I deserve to be loved."
We both stared at each other not saying a word, afraid to speak next because whatever is said next sets everything in motion.
" You should go"
I said walking towards the door then opened it. He cleared his throat, then grabbed his jacket mumbling something under his breathe;
" See what happening right now? Where we are right at this moment is all your fault"
He said his ocean blue eyes staring at me shimmering with tears;
" You wouldn't know love because you don't even love yourself. You are the problem Zoey, no one else but you"
Me" You are right, it's not easy to love me. I am trying, I put in the work. I wake up everyday and try, I don't know what more to do but I am trying. Maybe I didn't love myself for such a long time but you made it okay for me to accept the things I couldn't change about myself"
" Now here you are, standing here using my flaws against me. You were humiliated I get that but you have been humiliating me these last few months for something I didn't do. You keep punishing me and I don't know what more to do, so go ahead and leave my house"
Andrew" You continue to do the same fucken thing!!!"
Me" What did I do that is so bad?"
Andrew" You had a chance to tell me you were pregnant that night and you didn't! You were going to run away with my kids again"
Me" How the hell was I to tell you that I am pregnant when you were barely speaking to me? I didn't want you to stay with me because of that"
Andrew" You continuously do selfish things and you don't understand my feelings. Imagine hearing from my son that he went to the doctor with you to see his new sister. Fuck Zoey! What do you want? Tell me what you want because I am tired of trying to figure out what to do"
Me" I don't know"
" And I was going to tell you about the baby, I just wanted to enjoy this one pregnancy without all the drama. I was a bit naïve to believe that's possible"
Andrew" You decide. It's your turn to show up"